Drunk Love

Natalie Underwood

"Ok, so since we're dating I think I should be able to call you Lea." It's a Sunday morning and I'm on my bed writing down flashcards for the Pythagorean theorem, and also making plans for Monday with Azalea. Or should I say Lea. The nickname that felt so familiar feels so wrong to even think. It makes me feel familiar and me and Lea are not.

"So if you're calling me Lea, I should be able to call you Nate."

"No."

"It's gonna be weird if I call you Natalie though, even people who you don't even know call you Nate!" I can almost hear the exasperation through the phone. It's amusing, how worked up over something so trivial she gets.

"Fine." I roll my eyes. "You can call me Nate if you are so adamant."

I can practically see her triumphant smile. I'll let her have this one.

"Shouldn't we have rules?" She asks.

"Why would we need rules?"

"So that it doesn't go overboard." She pauses. "And that's what they do in the movies too."

"We're not following an inaccurate teen rom-rom." I say.

"But—"

"No."

"I think it'll be better if we follow the movies though!"

"It's not happening Lea."

An awkward silence fills the space around me. Damn I didn't realize that even on the phone the same thick fog of awkwardness could surround me. But apparently it can. I awkwardly cough.

"So what rules?"

"Pardon?"

"The rules, you said you wanted rules."

For some reason I can hear my pulse drumming in my ears, I reach out for my donut pen and a spare index card to occupy my hands.

"Asking before doing something like hugging or," a brief silence follows before she finally ends it off with "Kissing."

I dutifully write it down in the neatest way I can manage but my elbow smashes into the couch cushion, ruining my notes. I throw it aside and write down the rule on another paper more carefully.

"And?"

"And you have to carry my stuff obviously."

"Lea, that's literally the reason why you agreed." I shake my head.

"Just want to make sure you do it." I can see the slight shrug she does at least 134 times in a conversation.

"Oh, and no falling in love." She states.

"Lea, that is the stupidest fucking rule I've heard." I roll my eyes.

Of course she included the most cliché rule. No falling in love. As if, I would rather be bitten by a scorpion than ever fall for Lea. I mean why would I ever fall in love with her.

"It's for the vibe." She says.

"The vibe doesn't exist, this is a business exchange."

Despite my complaints I scribble down Don't fall in love. Lea and her obsession with rom-coms is going to be the end of me one of these days.

"And.." she drones on.

"We should put a time limit on this." I say.

"You actually are smart sometimes." She chimes.

Ignoring her remark I write down the last rule, and flex my fingers. 

These rules aren't even going to be that hard to follow.