Black Ice

xiv

fourteen | crystal

Indianapolis went as smoothly as one could hope. It was one of our better nights. The crowd was energetic, and it felt as though we were finally falling into a rhythm that allowed us to do the show without worry.

No longer was my mind bumbling about what was next or how I was being perceived on stage. I could just let go. I could get on stage and find my freedom.

So much of my life now was confined and constrained, rigid and regimented— riddled with routine. I was starting to feel like I was in a cage, but when that track started to spin and that crowd started to roar, I was unleashed.

I could leave myself on that stage. I could scream and cry and jump and sprint. I could fly as long as the spotlight was on.

But when it wasn't, I was shoved back into my box, scratching for an escape.

I was turning to anything that could keep my mind busy and my stamina strong. Between writing and working out when I could, I was partying.

It was the one piece of my routine that wasn't taxing me.

With extra press appearances and studio sessions taking over what little social life I had left on this tour, I needed a break to just drink and shit-talk with the guys.

But this night, the guys were a little rowdier than usual. Meaner.

Guess they felt some type of way that the only guy seeing me outside of my group was Keith instead of them. "Cris can't kick it no more," blah blah blah.

It was nothing I couldn't handle. If anything, this was right on par with Shaany's best moments of cruelty.

And while Shaan was buzzed off a blunt and babysitting a cup, the other boys piled on their banter.

"Look, man. I'm a very busy woman. Y'all wouldn't know much about that," I broke through the noise with a shrug.

The guys laughed and jeered.

"Oh, we know how busy you be," one of Ceeze's more obnoxious crew members— Smiley— nodded with a knowing grin.

I raised an eyebrow, amused by his expression as I sipped my liquor. The boys snickered, anticipating my response.

I rolled my neck playfully, giggling while continuing our usual back and forth, "Yeah, well, it takes a lot to rock a mic."

"Yeah, a lotta' fuckin' for rhymes. I bet you rock the hell out of a couple mics, huh?"

Huh?!

I almost didn't compute such a remark, but the thunderous laughs that shook the bus only stamped my sudden offense.

"Excuse me?" I looked at him as if he were speaking gibberish.

My voice was barely even heard as the men clapped and seized with cackles.

I knew they were always looking to bait me, to see if I'd get up in arms during our typical battle of the sexes, but this was a bit far.

And the fact that everybody thought it was so goddamned funny only lit a fire of embarrassment within me. The longer the laughter stretched, the larger that flame grew.

"Look, y'all. We finally got her mad," Smiley pointed and mocked me.

And Shaany didn't say shit.

I looked at him to dead the disrespect, to at least have my back while I stood up for myself.