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Monday, August 14, 2023
I inhaled deeply, letting the air around me fill my lungs as I stared into the mirror intensely. there I was, looking back at myself with a mixture of emotions swirling in my eyes. Although I knew the woman in this reflection was me, I didn't recognize her. If I'm being completely honest, I haven't recognized her in a very long time. I glance to the side, out of the windshield of my car to see a flurry of people walking about the campus of Hendrix University. I needed to do this, yet I was hesitant. Anxiety swirled through my chest at the thought of having to set foot on this campus again, having to pretend everything was normal. That I was normal. This was the absolute last thing I wanted to be doing, but I had to. For me.
I snap my visor closed with a little more force than necessary, grabbing my bag on the passenger seat as I swiftly step out of my car. I close the door behind me, immediately recognizing the sound of the band playing our school song on The Yard just several feet in front of me. Half the student body cheers them on as the other half walks to their destinations.
I swallow, slinging my bag over my shoulder and gripping it tightly. I forced myself to take one step, then another, and another until I found myself walking across the campus just as I used to do. As I walk, I remember something I had learned before.
Every person changes at least three times in their lifetime. physically, mentally, and emotionally. because that's just what humans do, they evolve. although, some things remain constant throughout their entire lives. Such as a peanut allergy or their love of certain flavored ice cream. Something that's stuck with me since I was just a little girl was staring. I despise staring. It's always been one of my biggest pet peeves. All those eyes staring at me make me uneasy. Even though I've gotten used to it in the past years and learned to ignore it, it still irks me. I just want to be in the background, ignored. able to float by and nobody would be wiser.
Ever since I was a small girl, I experienced the discomfort of being the object of unwanted gazes. whether it was due to my style, race, or simply the way I carried myself, I had always felt uneasy under the weight of others' eyes. It seemed nothing had changed as I navigated the crowded pathways toward the multitude of booths and stands that made up the student organization fair. I couldn't help but notice the occasional glances and lingering stares. However, I knew that the stares that am receiving now aren't for my unique style or beauty but for the incident.
