i hope you receive this letter with the same level of enthusiasm as which i am writing to you with. this isn't some needless letter that you can just throw away. i hope you know that. i'm writing to express the exact level of feeling at which i'd enjoy to share with you. i don't know where this is going. you'll probably never get this anyway. now that that's been established, i can really tell you.
i love you. those aren't just words. i really do, with sincerity from the deepest depths of my heart, love you. that way. i like like you. or love you. or something.
i have to admit, you're not the first guy that can put a smile on my face with just one glance. as a matter of fact, you're not even the first guy that i could look at and instantly be put into good mood from. no. i'm sorry. it turns out, you're just another one of the others. they were all beautiful. but so are you. in a different way. my friends said i was out of you're league. i'm only afraid it's the other way.
i know you don't reciprocate my feelings in the same way, but i hope you at least value me as a friend. now that you know, i'll probably act weird around you. do you want to know what i wrote in my letter to future me at the beginning of the year in band? i told myself i'd go to the movies with someone i didn't really care about. not as much as i cared about you, anyway i regretted it as soon as i taped up that letter. i hope you know that.
it wasn't just this past week that i started feeling deeply about you. back on april ninth, over a month ago, i wrote this:
You were the first person to call me cute, ever, besides my mom. Did you know?
But her - she's not just cute. She's beautiful, and gorgeous, and everything in between. And I'm not.
I can tell that you love her. And if you ask how I know, I can't give you an answer. Because you look at her the same way I look at you.
those words - they were all about you. the girl was...well i assume you have at least some idea as to who she is. you wrote a letter to her much like i'm writing a letter to you. a letter, in my case, i'll never have the courage to give to you. over the weekend, i cried a lot. over you. and math. but mostly you.
it was at night. everyone else in the house was asleep. i was crying into my pillow, afraid to go to sleep. do you want to know why i was afraid? or better yet, what i was afraid of?
simple. i was afraid of not dreaming about you. i was desperate. i hadn't liked anyone in the longest time, unbelievable for me. i always like someone. but i didn't. not then.
we used to talk a lot. i miss that. the regular talks, every day. until we didn't. because of her. not the old girl. a new one. i asked you about her. you said you two weren't together. i don't believe that. it doesn't hurt that you're with her. it hurts that you didn't trust me enough to tell me.
i love you. a lot. two words. not one.
i used to ridicule those lovey-dovey couples in the hallways. holding hands, generally PDAing. that first day we met, i felt...a spark. how ridiculously cliche of me. a spark. but there was. i felt it. i hope you did too. being with you made me want to become one of those lovey-dovey couples in the hallways. i thought you were my soulmate. i wondered where you'd been all my life. i wondered why i'd never thought to talk to you before. i loved that you played footsies with me. we hardly knew each other. i pretended not to know your name. i knew your name. of course i knew your name. i know everyone's names.
this is honestly turning out to be less like a love letter and more like a written confession to stalking people.
you told me i was perfect. cute. talented. i believed you. i didn't realize when you said that you were making a comparison. to her. if i was perfect, she was a goddess. if i was cute, she was gorgeous. if i was talented, she was extraordinary. before i met you, i'd never felt good enough. you made me feel as if i were enough. even if it was a lie, i appreciate it. you got me through eighth grade, honestly.
when we first met, i was scared. i backed off talking to you because i thought, no, i was afraid, that you liked me. or would like me. why was i so scared of that? i wish you did. now that i look at it, it sounds stupid. you'd never like someone like me. you're out of my league.
i wouldn't be surprised if i don't sleep because i'm so busy writing this. i love you.
i'm wondering if i should tell you that. for real. not over text. for real.
have you ever been kissed before? on the lips? i haven't. so you better not have. i feel like once i start thinking about it, my first kiss, the possibility of it ever happening dims dramatically. i'll walk in someplace expecting to find love at first sight. i didn't walk into you feeling like that. i never expected to feel like this. you're my prince charming, even if you don't know it. i've always wanted a fairytale. i hope you could be mine.
