Hey asshole(:
Guess what? You're still getting to me. I was laying in bed with a smile, happy because I just said goodnight to this guy I thought I could start liking, and suddenly I'm here, writing. To you. Again.
I don't have any more shit on your white girl, so I won't say anything more against her. You on the other hand? You're about to get a piece of my mind.
Where, oh where do I begin? Let's start here. I still miss you, and I hate myself for it. It's that time of the month, so maybe I'm just extra emotional. But come to think of it, I think I may just be pissed off at you.
A couple days ago, I was feeling like I could start over with you. That maybe I had a shot at just being friends with you. I thought I was getting better. I tagged you in one of those tumblr posts on instagram and said "hi(:". I guess that wasn't important enough for you to reply to, huh? Because about a minute after I tagged you, you liked a picture I'd just posted on my spam account. Say you did reply. Say it was lost in the internet and the grand scheme of wifi. What then? We didn't start talking, or anything. It made me feel hopeless.
You are such a freaking ass. And by that I mean you just had to be so fucking sweet and sappy and romantic with me that none of the guys I try to like now can get on your level. Damn you. I must sound really desperate right now, huh? I miss you, so I tell you to stop talking to me, then I write another blog whatever thing about you on Wattpad. I'm getting so sick of myself.
I hope I get over you by the time band camp rolls around, or I'm doomed. I'll cry myself to sleep for that whole week if I'm not over you by then. I can't stop missing you.
I was listening to a song, I can't remember what and it doesn't matter, because it was one of those shit songs that has someone croning about how good it feels to be in someone's arms. I tried to avoid listening to the words too hard. I closed my eyes and suddenly, my stupid imagination had me picturing myself in someone's arms. Not yours. And then all of a sudden, again props to stupid imagination, it felt so completely wrong and I thought to myself for awhile because it wasn't you. It felt so wrong that I jumped on Wattpad and now I'm writing this.
You seem to be everywhere this week.
The other day, I was finishing up season three of pretty little liars (because I started when they were filming season six, okay?!). In the finale, Aria had to break up with Ezra. The kind of kiss they had on the stairway was one that I have on my kissing bucket list. It's where the girl is walking away from the boy, and the boy realizes he can't let her go, and grabs her wrist and kisses her. It's the kind where someone starts crying, and then they hug. Ezra grabbed Aria and pulled her toward him, and they kissed, like they knew it was final.
Not speaking from experience or anything, because I've never been kissed before, but that last hug with you. I remember it being like that. I cried watching that scene because I thought of you, and then I realized my whole family was in the house so I tried to act like something was in my eye. No one bought it. And I thought of you the rest of the day. They way I hung onto you for just a little longer because of what I knew was going to happen, what had to happen because you were with her. Hugging my pillows is not nearly as close to the same thing as hugging you. Since that hug, I don't think I've hugged any other guys except my family members.
Looking back on the past year, I feel like a slut. I wanted to have hug buddies and hug guys the way some of my friends did; long and often. You were my one hug buddy this year. The only one that really mattered, anyway. I tried different people. Three in total. I think three is a big number in my life. I've liked three guys each year for the past two years that I've been going to school here. The longest crush I had lasted three years. I had my first fiancé at age three. And who knows how many other threes. I think all my threes had to do with boys that didn't work out. Not "work out" work out, but...didn't work for me. It sucks. I want to give up boys forever. But I keep holding out on that hope that I'll find an almost perfect forever with one. I pray that person is just like you.
