It was July 3rd when you sent this to me. I remember not because I have superhuman memory, but because it was on Facebook, and Facebook remembers everything. I really hope I forget you.
I don't know if you're mad at me but I feel like you are. I'm sorry that I haven't talked to you in a long time, I've been stressed out for the past few weeks and I haven't had time to talk to you. I don't know how many times I can say this but I need you in my life. I mean it. You are an amazing part of my life and I would hate to see you leave. I may not show it but I can't live without you. I love you and I'm sorry.
I was a bitch in my response. When I sent you that text, there were things that I said, and there were also some things that I didn't say. But I guess you might need to reread it to know.
a lot of times people act like they're mad to hide the fact that they're hurt. and you hurt me. a lot. you probably don't know this, but i liked you. liked, past tense, because once i get hurt by someone, i can't really like them as much as i used to. i know you said you were busy and under a lot of stress, and i feel you. but honestly, there's no such thing as being "too busy." life is about prioritizing, and if you're "too busy" for someone, it just means that "someone" isn't a priority in your life. that's how I felt during the time we didn't talk. like I wasn't important to you. and you say I am, but if i really were, then you would've made an effort to talk to me. but i'll take a lot of the blame for us not talking because I liked you. when i like someone, i tend to over-talk to them and then they end up liking me even less than before. but you were the first guy i've liked that i felt like would even consider texting me back, so i had to be even more careful with how much i bothered you. but i guess i was wrong. i know that you say you're sorry and that you love me, but just for the record, the words "i love you" are just empty words. i feel like no one really means it anymore. i feel like you didn't ever mean it. this is a lot to read and i'm sorry but i just needed to tell you. i didn't wanna tell you how i felt like this. but i just wanted you to know. i'm sorry i screwed up our friendship.
The truth is, I do blame you. Just a little bit. Or a lottle bit. I blame you for a lot of it. I learned a new term today. "Leading on." Meaning you made me feel loved, but it was an act when you really liked her the whole time -- that disgusting little English-test-cheating white girl. I really, really liked you. I might still like you.
I saw you every day at new marchers camp. I looked for you. I wanted to say hi. I did, once, but you turned around. I'm not sure if you ignored me or didn't hear me or thought it was someone else, but it hurt. I'd usually at least get a smile, a wave, a hello. I wanted nothing more than to run into your arms and make it exactly like I'd dreamed of. We'd have a heart to heart and apologize and then everything would be okay. I've missed you so much.
There were so many different versions of the way we'd get together that ran through my head that whole week. I thought that maybe, on that last day, you'd come over to me, tell me you love me, and we'd forget about everything else that happened between us. "I love you, and really, what else matters?" That was supposed to be your line. Or maybe, the week after, you'd somehow figure out where my house was and apologize and meet my parents and we'd live happily ever after forever. That one was really, really stupid, but I guess I hoped too hard. Nothing even close to the sort happened. We didn't talk once that week. Or the week after. And now this.
I confessed to you via Facebook. That makes me a shitty romantic. But y'know what? You did the exact same thing to me with your reply.
It's not your fault. You're right. I didn't have my priorities in order. You can't blame yourself. I blame myself. I was at a point when I liked you too. I liked you but I didn't know how to tell you. I felt like it would ruin our friendship. When you texted me a lot I felt like I was important to you. I have a tendency to talk a lot to someone I like too. But most people will just start to ignore me. I'm sorry. It is my fault. You deserve better.
I thought about this text for a long time before I sent my reply. I remember feeling like you liked me, wanting to get away from you as fast as possible with that feeling. Because when guys like me, they get attached and clingy and they won't stop bothering me. As it turns out, I'm a complete and utter hypocrite, because I do that too. I wanted to just ask you if I deserved you. Or that I wouldn't have minded you ruining our friendship. I didn't cry. I think my emotions ran dry.
I'm feeling almost poetic writing to you. It makes me really happy that I know you'll never read this. Everyone else in the world might read it, but as long as you don't, I think I'll be content with my life. I pray that someday I'll be able to forget you.
