Love isn't easy

Chapter 34: Late November 2030

mentions of attempted suicide

Late November 2030

"Come on! Come get it bubba."

"Come here."

Roseanne and Lisa are sprawled face down atop the colorful, tiled, foam playmat that now covers the alabaster living room carpet. Levy lays on his stomach, just out of reach, on the opposite end of the mat. The six-month-old's comically chubby arms and legs flail uncoordinatedly before he lifts his head and gurgles as he locks his eyes on his most prized possession: his pacifier. His eyes keenly follow Roseanne's hand as she waves it around in an attempt to entice him to move closer. The boy coos and giggles while thrashing his limbs around and - despite the chaos of it all - there seems to be an undertone of syncopation to it, one that his mothers can't help but revel in.

Levy has been on the verge of crawling for weeks now but for some reason, he hasn't quite mastered the art of dragging his body around surfaces just yet. The aloof infant seems to always give it a handful of tries if only to appease whichever mother is doing her best to bribe him before he grows impatient and loses his temper. Roseanne has a feeling they're nearing the "I'm done with this" stage fairly quickly but she had decided to do one last attempt this afternoon. That's how and why she and her forty-one-year-old wife ended up in this position.

"Come here baby."

Lisa shakes one of the most colorful and loud toys they had readily available to entice the baby.

"Do you want Chewy? Here's Chewy."

Levy smiles and babbles when Roseanne extends her hand and rattles the pacifier once more. At once, the little guy finds himself on his arms and knees, swinging back and forth a few times. Roseanne and Lisa look at each other, then grow suddenly quiet with anticipation. They watch the chubster lift his left hand from the floor for as long as it takes them to blink and right when it looks like he will get some forward momentum he flops with a chunky thud onto the floor instead and screeches. Yeah, he's definitely done.

Roseanne lets her head drop for a split second before promptly scooting over to where the shrieking boy thwacks and hands him the pacifier to soothe him while simultaneously picking him up and crawling back towards Lisa. She slyly takes advantage of the fact that Lisa had switched positions and tumbled down on her back to lay the baby atop her wife's stomach.

"You're making this so difficult."

The thirty-eight-year-old jokingly chastises the baby while she wiggles her fingers across his oversized belly. Levy giggles loudly without allowing the pacifier to come loose from between his lips and smacks his open palms against his bare chest.

"You just like being carried around like a king don't you?" Lisa holds both of Levy's hands and wraps each of them around one of her pointer fingers so she can wave them around as she speaks. The baby takes this as an invitation and lunges to wrap his plumpish arms around her neck with a cackle. "You're spoiled."

Lisa tenderly whispers into her son's ear before prying him from the nape of her neck. She lifts him and then almost instantly hangs him upside down in the air while she barrages his face with a plethora of sloppy kisses. Roseanne peers, taking in every bit of the unfolding moment in silence.

When they're like this, just the three of them, Roseanne can see a different side of Lisa. Well, maybe not a different side but one she believed was gone forever. When she is holding their son, Roseanne can see the old Lisa. The one who hung her head back in laughter when her children did something funny. The one who would tell fantastical stories of warriors and battles in the middle of the night when babies would refuse to sleep. The one who would make up entire conversations with children before they could even talk. When other people are around, Lisa reverts to being distant and glacial but when it's just them and their baby boy, Roseanne has instants where she can trick herself into almost feeling as if nothing has happened. For a split second, she can pretend they haven't lost damn near everything. Roseanne takes in every moment and detail of Lisa's carefree interactions with Levy because, in the back of her mind, she can't help but wonder if this is the last one she'll get to witness. Experiencing on a daily basis how hot and cold Lisa can be forces Roseanne to treat every second of warmth she gets as if it came from the last few embers of a dying fire. The perpetual, underlying dread that it could all end at any moment is why Roseanne allows herself to lean in and insert herself between Lisa and the baby to plant a brief kiss on Lisa's lips. Lisa turns to look at Roseanne and wordlessly grins before turning back her full attention to the infant bouncing in her arms.