multifandom one shots

A Spilling of the Heart - Kinn x Porsche (kp)

Show - kinnporsche
A/N - it's been a hot second, wattpad, but i'm back with this one-shot. i have, however, been fairly active on ao3 (same name), where you can find all the first from this collection, and a lesbian kinnporsche office au :)

TW - major character death, terminal illness, self harm (severe skin picking), vague suicidal thoughts
Word count - 1409
Synopsis -
"His throat hurts, his body hurts, his head hurts, and his eyes are weeping again. He can't continue, not like this. Every night it gets worse."
Porsche is ill. He's going to die. He hasn't told Chay, he hasn't told Kinn he hasn't told anyone. He's so scared, he doesn't want to die.

_______

He knows it's coming. He has for a while. But he hasn't told Kinn that he's dying. Of course he hasn't, Porsche never wants to worry Kinn, never wants to take his smile. But it's getting harder to hide how ill he is - his reaction time has become dangerously slow, his muscles get weaker every day, how he's unable to shoot in a straight line anymore. The pain is consuming him.
On a night, when he's supposed to be asleep with Kinn, he cries in the bathroom, the sounds of him vomiting into the toilet masked by a running tap.

Kinn's been so busy recently he hasn't truly noticed, thinking that Porsche is exhausted from the training and guarding him all day. Porsche is happy for him to keep believing that, well, he was, until now. He only has a few weeks left, maximum.

_______

He's curled up in the all too familiar spot in the bathroom, left arm resting on the toilet bowl, trying to stabilise. In his right hand is his phone, pressed against his ear.
"Arm, Arm I'm scared. I'm so scared. What," he swallows down the vomit in his throat, "What do I do?"
Tears burn Porsche's face, breathing shallow.
"I can come to you."
Arm's voice is an anchor, preventing him from going too far out in his mind.
"Mm, yeah. Could you?" Porsche manages, furiously drying his tears.
"I'll be there soon, Porsche."

Porsche doesn't understand why he's only told Arm how ill he is. Maybe because he's the only one that will stay level. Kinn, Pete, Pol, Tankhun, all of them, would freak out the second he told them he was going to die.
Shit.
He hasn't even told his own brother. With shaky hands, Porsche opens his messages, finding Chay's contact quickly. He tries to type, but his vision is blurry and his phone is shaking. He presses the voice message button.
"Chay, hi. It's me," he sighs, he sounds stupid, "I want to say... I'm sorry, Chay. For everything. For not telling you where I was, not introducing you to Kinn sooner, introducing you into this world. You don't deserve that. I want to say this now before... before it's too late. I don't know when I'll see you again, or if I'll see you again. Don't freak out. But, uh, your hia's not feeling so great. By that I mean, fuck. Chay, I'm really sorry. If I ask to be forgiven for anything, it's this. I'm sorry for not telling you sooner. Kinn doesn't know yet either. But I'm sick, and I don't have long left. I've tried everything," he hiccups, squeezing his eyes shut to avoid crying again, "Look after P'Kinn, and I'll make sure he looks after you. I love you, Chay."
He sends it.

He rests his head against the wall, shutting his eyes for a moment, before hearing a gentle tapping on the bathroom door. It opens, revealing Arm.

Porsche throws up again, head in the bowl. Arm is beside him, a hand on Porsche's shoulder, squeezing it reassuringly. When he's sure Porsche is finished for now, he flushes the toilet, grabs him some toilet paper to wipe his mouth, and sits opposite him.

"You've been crying again."
"Mm," Porsche can't even bring himself to nod without feeling sick.
"Why?"
"Chay."
Arm sits upright, "You told him? What did he say?"
"He hasn't replied. It was a voice message."
Porsche hates the sound of his own voice. It's weak and dry and makes him sound... ill.
"You need to tell Khun Kinn."
Fuck, he can't, he can't bring himself to look Kinn in the eyes and tell him how long he's been hiding his illness, how sick he really is, how he spends his nights alone in the bathroom, making sure to dress before he's even awake so he doesn't suspect a thing. Porsche shakes his head, but the world spins, and he's throwing up again.

His throat hurts, his body hurts, his head hurts, and his eyes are weeping again. He can't continue, not like this. Every night it gets worse. He's going to die soon, and he hasn't told the most important person in his life.
The guilt hits Porsche, sending him to grab the toilet bowl again, dry heaving. Nothing comes out.
"Can you," Porsche inhales deeply, "Can you bring him to me?"
Arm looks at him from where he's positioned by Porsche's side, a sadness in his eyes. A tight-lipped smile and a nod is his answer, as he leaves the bathroom.
Porsche sits back against the wall for the millionth time that night, alone again.

_______

T

he door slams against the wall, Porsche jumps from his near-sleep, the motion hitting him full force, dry heaving once more. Familiar hands stroke his back - Kinn.
"Arm told me you needed me, what's wrong? Porsche?"
After Porsche pats the wall, Kinn eases him against it. He stays like that for a while, collecting all he has to say in his mind.
"I'm... not well."
Kinn nods, "You've been working too much, I'm sorry Porsche. I should've realised sooner and given you time off. Tomorrow, and for however long you want, you don't have to work. Just, recuperate, get better an-"
"No, Kinn, I'm... fuck... I'm dying."
Kinn freezes. He lets out a nervous laugh. He stops.
"What?"
Porsche points at Arm, Kinn follows Porsche's hand.
"Porsche is... he's been sick for a while, Khun Kinn, and he doesn't have a lot of time left."
"How much time does he have?" Kinn demands.
"A few weeks. If that," Porsche mumbles from the corner.
"Have you tried medica-"
"Yeah. I'm dead if I take it, I'm dead if I don't. It doesn't do anything."
Kinn looks scared, and that scares Porsche more than when he's angry, or the prospect of dying itself.
"Arm, could you leave?" he asks, keeping composure.
"Yes, Khun Kinn."

They're alone now.
"You've tried-"
"Everything."
"And nothing works?"
"Kinn... please. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. But... I'm not gonna live."
"I can't lose you."
Kinn slides to the floor, taking Porsche in his arms, burying his nose in his neck, breathing in. Porsche didn't think it was possible to cry anymore, but new tears coat over old ones.
They stay like that for the rest of the night, Porsche sleeping well after weeks or months of nights interrupted by nightmares or the need to be sick. Kinn, however, has one of the worst sleeps he's had for a long time, knowing it could be one of the last he shares with Porsche, he wants to remember it, remember how Porsche feels in his arms, how he breathes, what he smells like.

______

A few weeks was a long stretch. He only had one week to live.
Porsche had told Kinn that wanted to go in his sleep, with people he loved around him. It was the nicest way he could think of going.

It didn't happen like that.
Nothing in Porsche's life went to plan, so why should it in death?

He started to take short walks in the gardens when he thought he was improving. Throwing up in the night had stopped, the constant pain had numbed, so, by some miracle, it seemed he was cured.

He collapsed on one of those walks, Chan and Arm finding him minutes later. He wasn't quite dead. When laid on a hospital bed, Porsche came to. In seconds, he was in so much pain, writhing and screaming, saying his skin was burning. He begged Kinn to put a bullet between his eyes, but he couldn't even take the gun out of the holster.

No, instead Kinn had to watch Porsche, the one he truly loved, tear at his own skin, scratch it raw, convulsing, pull out his hair, until he finally died.

Chay didn't make it in time. Kinn was glad, he didn't want him to remember his brother in that way. He made sure all the bodyguards told Chay his brother died peacefully in his sleep, just how he asked.

Kinn couldn't get the image of the blood under Porsche's fingernails out of his head. Porsche's screams haunted him each night. The sound Chay made when he saw his brother on a slab. All of it, swirling around his head.
He promised to take care of Chay, and even in his dying state, Kinn was sure Porsche heard.
He had to stay alive for Chay.

for Chay.