Addicted to Her Pain

Chapter Three

I scrunched my face as I stared at my reflection in the bathroom mirror. I was hard to recognize who this was sometimes, the hollow cheekbones, the blue eyes that I swear used to sparkle. My skin was a good two shades more pale then when I had been taken. I wished he would let me go outside, I had begged him in the beginning, promising I wouldn't run but he hadn't listened. I just wanted to feel the sunlight without having it pass through a window, feel the wind as it blew around me, I just needed to feel something. 

I took a deep breath and exhaled, staring at my waist. I couldn't see the thin outlines of my ribcage anymore. Xavier had seen to that, force feeding me regularly until I began to retain a  healthy weight. I turned slightly and pressed my hands to my stomach, I knew I weighed around 115, a healthy weight for my height but it was still too much for me mentally, the thought of what I looked like consuming me sometimes. Xavier knew the instant it began to happen, he would watch as I pushed food around my plate like a small child, avoiding taking even the smallest bite.

I learned that made him angry, he wanted to keep me healthy, yet he still kept me captive. 

"I swear to god Nem if you are thinking one bad thought about yourself right now..."

I dropped my hands as he walked in the door, an angry look on his face. I'd been too quiet in here. He knew exactly what I was thinking. 

I moved my head away in discomfort, his eyes piercing into me, ready to pry the answer out. 

"Baby" his voice was soft as he dropped to his knees in front of me, his hands wondering over my waist and hips, touching the soft skin of my stomach. "You know you are perfect in every way, don't begin to go back into this pattern." He lifted my shirt slightly, kissing a line along my hips sending a shiver down my spine. His touch was gentle, loving, the complete opposite of last night. I reached out my hand and ran it through his dark hair, holding onto him when he didn't stop. 

He stood up slowly, lifting me with him as I reached my hands around his neck so I didn't fall. He walked through the door and into the bedroom, placing me gently on the bed. I gazed up at him, I saw him but not once had I understood who he was. He was gentle one day and violent he next, treating me with every ounce of respect and then backhanding me. 

I didn't want for anything, any material object he would get for me, anything I asked for. All I asked for was books, and he'd built me a library full of them. He gave me everything yet took away everything I had. 

I watched as he pulled the blinds aside, letting the morning sun stream in. I pulled the blanket over me, just wanting sleep and ignore whatever bullshit he threw at me today. 

"You're going to eat hon."

I shook my head, still bundled up in the blankets "not hungry" I mumbled, turning away from the sound of his voice. "You eat or you get punished Nem, it's your choice."

Fuck. 

I hadn't always had a problem with my weight, It had started when I was 15 or so, I would notice how flat my stomach was if I skipped a meal, and if I skipped two. It only escalated from there until I'd begun to control the urge to skip meals around my 22nd birthday, telling myself I needed to eat or it would kill me. It was a shitty way to live, and I was missing out, food tasted so fucking good. 

I felt his hand wrap around my ankle, yanking me out of bed and I fell to the floor, hitting the wood hard, feeling the pain flare up in my hip.

"I told you to eat."

I glared at him as I stood "fucking make me then Xavier, I told you I'm not hungry." I clenched my jaw as soon as the words slipped out, trying hard not to grind my teeth in anticipation of his next move. I knew I just made the situation ten times worse. "You want to play that game?" his eyes remained cold as he spoke, his hand stroking a piece of my hair out of my face, his eyes wondering over me. His hand closed around my throat, pushing me backwards, my knees buckling underneath me. His weight held me down as I fell onto the bed again, his hands grabbing my wrists and I tried to pry him off of me. I couldn't move, I could barely breath as he loomed over me.