Problems/vents

16

Trigger warnings for $u€ide mentions
What do I want for my 16th birthday

I actually don't know, I want the feeling of death? I really don't like the idea of making it alive past 16. It's sad but I've decided that 16 is the age mark I don't wanna continue one with. I have so much 'potential' according to my teachers and yet I don't give a shit, my mental state is taking so much on me I've given up on what I do best.

I've survived a full year since my last attempt and it is so hard moving forward. Why is it hard to be happy and not feel like a worthless piece of trash that's polluting the ocean. Am I a toxic person like my dad? I don't wanna be like him, a fucken abandoner, if I commit does that make me one? I don't know..

I'm trying to discover what person I am and it's making me feel worse, my family is so nice about me dating Same sex but not okay with my gender identity. I don't think I'm anything, I don't feel a lot of connection with male or female. And it's so hard seeing my siblings grow up and them thinking I'm their 'big $i$7£R'. I Fucken hate it, I want a binder. I want to cry and scream out loud. But I can't, I have to hide it a little longer..

Venting is pretty hard on others and especially me. So I'm sorry if this was triggering, I had to get it out. My mother keeps mentioning how long it is till I'm 16, even tho it's three months and three weeks away.