Chaos

Four.

"Always expect the unexpected"

I never saw that coming

I never knew things would escalate this fast drastically

"I asked your mother to bring you along with her during visiting hours because we have a lot to talk about Mia." the nurse that was in charge of my father said.

"I know it will be so hard to you to understand and i know that it will be so difficult for you to even register what I will be saying right now, but you need to know because your mum and siblings need you now more than ever. your father is dying, the illness came back stronger than ever and he fell into a coma he might never wake up from. It's only a few days and he will be gone. I'm so sorry for telling you this, but you need to get over your sadness before the day comes." 

I couldn't listen to anymore, all I did was push the door to my father's room open and saw him for what might be the last time.

I crumbled onto the ground and started crying hystrically.

I couldn't handle seeing my mum's face, I couldn't say anything to her or hug her to comfort me. all I needed was my best friend at the moment to take me out of this place. I can't handle it anymore. I couldn't take a breath, I felt like I was suffocating.

Ayla picked me up from the hospital, she knew that I don't break down so easily so for me to ask her to pick me up, then it must be a serious situation that I couldn't handle. She held me while I cried, drove me to the nearest supermarket and brought me all the snacks I like. she begged me to eat and took care of me like never before. I needed this closure, because for the past year and 3 months, all I was doing was distracting myself from the reality I knew I couldn't run away from.

And she got me.

She held me until i had no tears left. 

-

28th of November, 2022

Adel Farouq passed away.

He left without a goodbye, so suddenly, out of nowhere, when I though that I I'm finally putting all my broken pieces together, his death shattered me in a second.

Death is just like that. A wave of sadness that stumbles into our lives without an excuse. It comes when you least expect it, and takes away those we love the most, when we need them the most.

But then again, everything happens for a reason.

What was the reason?

What is God's plan?

Are we being tested again?

If so, I wanna pass this test with the least amount of heartbreak because I can't take it anymore.

My life will never be the same, I'll be responsible for every little aspect of my family's life right now. But how will I do that when I can't even get myself out of this bed?

I'm mourning, I'm grieving, I want my dad and I want my life to go back to normal. I want to be happy again and I want to achieve all my dreams with my dad's support. I want to make him proud of my achievements.

But he is gone.

Forever.

Who is going to listen to my rambling right now?

Who is going to support me with all my decisions now?

Who am I going to go to when I need an advice?

He was gone.

—

January 2023

It's been two months since my father's death. I'm still not over it, I mean; how can I ever get over such a huge event in my life?