A Study Of Aces

it's like you see in black and white

TW: internalized acephobia

Owen was creeped out by the simple farmer rat. It wasn't anything dangerous, he was just so earnest. So simple and so honest in his manner. Owen wanted to be friends with him, sure. He even wanted to give Scott what he wanted, make Scott happy- but there was something in Owen that recoiled immediately at that. Owen didn't want to interrogate himself about it. What if he found out he was scared of Scott because the genuinely simple and endearing farmer rat was gay? Owen thought about girl rats and shivered. No, it wasn't that. It was more likely what came after. Owen thought about the quiet, earnest, simple farmer rat gazing levelly at him with the weight of expectation. Owen stopped moving. He didn't know how long he spent just sitting out in the open next to the shelf in the hall. He snapped out of it when the butler came running at him with a shout of panic. Owen hugged the wall under the shelf, blubbering and sighing in panic. He would let the farmer rat down. He was almost hyperventilating. He would admit he liked Scott, and then Scott would- he would want- Owens thoughts stuttered to a halt. He would disappoint the farmer rat. Everyone would think he didn't actually like the farmer rat. The farmer rat might even think it was because he was gay. (Owen knew it wasn't. He didn't even like hanging out with girls.) Owen couldn't bear the thought of his friend's face falling, crumpling, taking on the hurt thinking it must be something that he'd done and not something deeply, deeply wrong with Owen himself. Owen let out a shaky sob, sliding down the wall as the human feet disappeared. He was terrified of Scott. He was terrified of hurting Scott. He was terrified of his fear. And he had no idea what to do about it.

"Owen?" Scott said from the hole in the wall under the bookcase.

Owen squeaked and ran without looking. But he didn't want to hurt Scott's feelings. He forced himself to turn around. "Oh Scott, you startled me," he gasped. "I had NO idea you were there. Ahaha," Owen laughed nervously, concealing his fear. He was a good actor.

"O-oh, that's okay," Scott said, settling down on his haunches. He smiled at Owen for a solid five seconds without saying anything. What did that mean? Was he that simple just to be content in Owens presence even though Owen was having a breakdown? Owen chuckled nervously. He knew he was a good actor. "I was just looking for you," Scott finally continued. "What are you up to today?"

Owen blanched and recovered. "Oh I was just making a solo food run." Then he had a stroke of genius. "I was just on my way back to work on my house. What did you need?"

Scott tilted his head in thought. "Oh, nothing, I didn't need anything. I was just- um, looking to see what you're doing today." Scott looked like he wanted to spend time with Owen, doing whatever Owen wanted to do. He was so earnest. He was so straightforward. Owen knew Scott liked him. That's what Owen was terrified of.

Owen cleared his throat and prepared to let Scott down easy. "Oh sorry Scott, I was just going to work on my house a bit." Owen fidgeted. Was that good enough? He needed an excuse for being in the house. "I just came down for a quick food run. Do you need anything?" Please, please let me off the hook, Owen prayed. I can't take your clear honest eyes anymore.

Scott looked at Owen with those clear honest eyes, with a look that was clearly lovesick, that clearly said he wanted to spend time with Owen for the simple reason that he liked Owen. "Oh, yeah," he said instead. "I don't really need anything. I have my farm. I could work on my house, too."

Owen heard a phantom crack, like a gunshot or lightning. So that was it. Scott was so honest, so pure. Nothing duplicitous about him. He was never acting. He was always just, Scott. "Yeah all right," he said, and Scott followed him up to the attic.

Owen made sure to drop Scott off at his home before scurrying back to his own clock home to continue his meltdown.