Here's to You, Zephaniah.

Zephaniah(2)

Zephaniah-

I'm sitting here in my office, hands on top of my head, and stress is just the surface of all this, I have all this success and feel like I still haven't accomplished shit, I remove my hand from my head and place them on the computer, I yet to get this shit done, I took a deep breath and before I even got back to working, my assistant comes with her big smile and my morning cup of latte, and said my brother is here to see me, I widen my mouth a little and told her to bring him in immediately, and he appears from the side of my assistant with his little latte and a big smile and his lingering scent entrances my spirit, the same one dad use to wear, where did he find it? My thoughts captives themselves and look back at my computer so the tears don't start falling again, "hey sus I was already here in the area, so you know I had to come and stop by to see you"

I walk up to him and hug him and I look up to my assistant waving to me bye and walking out the door, turn around and she already placed my latte on my office desk, I go back into my chair and my brother sits on my desk. I roll my eyes and told him he's lucky it's a wooden desk cause his fat ass could've broken my shit if it was glass, and he pops me in my head saying he doesn't care, I mean mug him as he takes a sip of his drink. I ask him what's the real reason why he stop by and looked at my computer, and he said just to see "how you holding up sus" I roll my eyes "Is it tho" and he said "Yes" I took a look away from my computer and look at him, if a copy and paste was a human it would be him and my dad for sure. I almost didn't recognize him as my brother the more he speaks, sus- LITTLE SUS- I shake my head and said "I'm sorry, lately I just been zoning out but what were you saying bro" He shook his head and said how was I holding up and cross his arms around his chest, I look at my black polished closed door and started saying whatever came to mind first.

"I can't even say I'm tired anymore, I think it's deeper than that now, the only time I feel relief is when I'm smoking or fucking, and both are a temporary high, I'm so exhausted of the temporary bro" I-.

I reach for my brother's hand and took another deep breath. "I don't know what the fuck to do anymore."

We sat in silence for a moment and he look at me with so much sadnesses, and his next words I should've been ready for but I wasn't.

"I don't think you're tired sus, that feeling you have not tired, you're in pain, you have every right to be in pain, and you keep fighting and dismissing that pain" He put his hands in the air and made little quotations marks " I'm just tired, You ain't even give yourself enough time to grieve Zephaniah, Dad died 17 damn days ago and you only call off for 2!! This you're fucking company how the hell you aren't at home, or somewhere grieving, it damn sure doesn't take 4 days to grieve, and FUCKING WHO, THE FUCK YOU BEEN FUCKING BRO!"

I looked at him and smiled, that's my big bro for you, always going to be overprotective for no reason.

"I'm grown ass woman Zaire." I rolled my eyes and he squeezed my hand. "You're always my little sus to me and let me find that puck ass piece of shit allowing you to use your body in unholy ways, sick ass mf." He took another sip of his drink me look at me," I'm killing that mf."

I sighed and squeezed his hand, "What about Mama Zaire, what about Mama."

"What about her sis, she good hands right now I got my bro's watching her as we speak, she needs to get off them shits man, she was just at Uncle Jupiter's house yesterday afternoon asking for 20$ to get some crack, unc ass was about to call the police on her and me and the bro's had to go get her. I feel bad for her, I do man, but she got to want more for herself, she doesn't want it, I can't force her. I told her she can even come to your recovery program, sus look around you man, I know people who can only dream about what you accomplish" I look away and he called my name again.

"Zephaniah listen to me, look at me!! don't let all you're accomplishments die with Dad too. You work too hard sus, remember when you, Dad, and I were at this very same lot when it was nothing but dirt and rocks, and you held onto me and dad hands saying you going to make this place more than just a dream and you did that Sus!! NOBODY ELSE!! and you work your ass off for all this!! Remember how proud Dad was, he even joined you're recovery program sus, do you know how hard it is to get an addict to say they're are one and go through the recovery process too!!"

Then Zaire got up off my desk and started walking back and forward "I used to help you talk to them white people sus, suit and all, remember us, he stopped and looked at me and I shook my head yes to let him know I'm listening, and agreeing to, "you know them motherfuckers don't think about or care for people like us, you made a dream, a reality, all while finessing the system at the same time, legally at that. I am proud of you Sus, but you have to be proud of yourself more since you did the work, allow yourself to have the praise!" He stops walking back and forward and grabs his drink.

"You should allow yourself to grieve too."

Zaire walked to the door waved bye, and said, "I'll let myself out, see you later sus, remember I love you more than life itself." When he closed the door now it was nothing but me and my thoughts to cater to.

I rest my head on my desk, took another deep breath, and exhale my exhaustion, he is right, my trauma isn't me, this isn't me, I worth so much more, and I work so hard. I just still don't know what to do. I did this for you pops, to help you and others to see the light and you went to the light now, all I see is darkness, help me out of this please Dad please cause I can't anymore.

I grab my shit and press on the intercom to my assistant, "Aaliyah I'm about to leave for the rest of the week, my company In your hands, I trust you, anything you don't understand, I'll help you when I get back, I'm leaving for the day, thank you for the latte."

I stood up and walked out the door, going to the main entrance door, when I fully got outside I look at my building, the bold letters upon my building, Zephaniah's recovery center, and look down at my door, black and white print, "we specialize in all aspects of addicts and gamblers, come right in" I mumble to myself to change that, and walked to my car, turned it on and let the music posses my thoughts and got some Wendy's, and headed home.

I got home, took off my clothes at the door, sat my Wendy's down, went back and pick them up my clothes, walked to my room, put my dirty clothes in the dirty clothes bin, and then laid down and cried, I cried like I never did before, I'm so hurt, wiping my tears as another set came upon my eyes. I am so tired. Why. You are my superhero dad, you always will be, I love you. I rolled up and smoke the rest of my pain out, or at least today's pain, afterwards, I let sleep take over, and my dreams follow behind.

Xoxo Cece ;(