Letters to a Father

February 7th, 2023

Hey Dad,
Sorry I only message when things are rough. I tried to message during important dates but I never felt the need to write during then. It's amazing I'm at a point where I can say that, even though it's been years.

I just wanted to know, wherever you are are my kitties with you. I miss them so much.

I miss Cindy begging for me to go to bed and cuddling me, even though she at times randomly attacked me while in bed, she was able to help me sleep. I miss her chaotic ways, the house just seems to quiet without her. A part of me still hopes she's out there and living out her days somewhere safe, another part of me thinks there is little chance of that being true. But she was my baby and nothing can replace her chaotic ways. I hope she knew I loved her though. Due to her I now need to sleep with a form of heat in my arms.

I miss Lilo, I didn't even get a lot of time with him. I hate how I wasn't able to watch him grow up. He was so sick though daddy, he almost reminded me of you near the end. I told him that he could sleep though, I think he needed that because the next day he passed. You would of liked Lilo he was cuddly yet playful, I bet you more times then not we would see you messing around with him. I hoped he knew I loved him, I didn't wanna leave him alone in that room every night but he was so sick we needed to monitor him and I couldn't sleep on the floor every night. Because of him I now leave room between my legs for him to sleep.

Mom sometimes acts like it's nothing, and that it's simple as getting another cat. I don't think she had a pet growing u. She also never really formed attachments to the cats.

I know it ain't right but sometimes I don't think it's fair Alyssa's cat lasted this long while I have gone through two. I don't wish I'll fate on him though, he keeps he sane, he holds her together. I fear the day he joins my cats and you... wherever you guys are.

Sometimes though I think I feel them jump onto the bed or brush up against me in the late of night. I still greet them as if they are there or pet there favourite spots to see if they are there.

We even tested out a cat, it didn't work but they had a trial at our house. I swear this cat was a smaller Cindy at times, looked just like her but with lighter lines. Sometimes when I wasn't paying attention I thought I was petting Cindy. I know Stitch didn't like this new cat though. Idk if it would of been healthy for me in the long run anyways, I would always be comparing her to my first cat.

We might get a new kitten in a couple months, I hope Lilo and Cindy help send me the best one. I don't know if I can handle loosing another.

I'm sorry I just ranted about a cat to you. I just miss them daddy so much. Loosing them sent me back on my healing process so much so that I had days where I didn't wanna move I just wanted the pain to end.

I wanna end this on a lighter note before I sign off.

I got a job! Well I got it a bit after Christmas. But still! I work at a anime store, I know it's not the most normal job but when have I been normal and so far it's been amazing. Despite the creepy people in the area, the thefts and the fact it's customer service. But hey at least with me I'm used to wearing a mask around people. It's easy to keep it up around strangers I only see for moments.

I have to take a nap now before class and maybe try to calm my tears down before class to. See you whenever I write next.