The Feature

XVI

"Are you fucking stupid!?" Nick's voice echoed through the cafeteria.

You huffed and dropped your gaze to the coffee in your hands, trying to ignore the sea of eyes turning in your direction from other tables.

It had been two days since Christmas, two days since the night you'd stood there and listened as Ben walked out of your flat, two days since you'd heard from him, two agonising days. You couldn't be alone in your flat anymore; everything reminded you of the last time you were with him, from the way the kitchen tiles felt on your bare feet, to how the bedsheets brushed against your skin while you tried to sleep. So you'd decided to spend as little time there as possible, taking your work to the Draft office, eating in the Draft cafeteria, and reluctantly telling everything to your favourite Draft colleague.

You let out a sigh. "Don't start with all that shit." 

"Oh come on! It wasn't like he was proposing!" he continued, before lowering his voice to a hiss. "He wasn't even asking you to be his girlfriend for fuck sake. He just wanted you to know that he cares about you. Maybe he was looking for some reassurance that you care about him too."

You swirled your cup and took a sip. "Mm, they really do make good coffee down here." 

"Quinn," he said, unamused. "You do care about him, don't you?"

You rolled your eyes. "Of course I fucking do."

"Then ugh! Why did you do that!?"

"Because I freaked out, Nick!"

"But why?"

"Because I was... I was losing control, I- I was going... soft-"

"So?"

"So... So I can't go soft. I can't. I don't know how."

"What do you mean you don't know how?"

You struggled for a moment to find the right words, inhaling deeply through your nose in frustration before blowing it out in a sharp breath. "I lost my virginity when I was fifteen," you said bluntly. "To a boy I didn't even know. And you know why? Because I wanted people to stop teasing me for being frigid and let me sit with them at lunch. That's it. My first time was on a bathroom sink at a house party with a boy who spent a whole minute fumbling with a condom, only to come within ten seconds of putting it in me. All because I wanted to climb the social hierarchy."

He listened to you in silence, eyes narrowed slightly, as if he couldn't quite understand why you were telling him this.

"Oh and did I ever tell you about the time I fucked my uni tutor?" you continued with a laugh, a smile that didn't quite reach your eyes. "In his office, middle of the afternoon, teachers and students walking up and down the corridor right outside. All because I needed a better mark on an essay." You paused. "He gave me it. Changed the grade on my final assignment before I'd even put my knickers back on."

Nick shook his head, sighing like he was about speak. But you kept going.

"And that very same night, actually, I went drinking at the student union bar and slept with someone else, just to take my mind off how guilty I felt for cheating my way to graduation." You laughed again, a louder more genuine laugh, like speaking it aloud had made you realise just how awful it all was. "I mean, fucking hell, just last month I came onto Dan Swain of all people. Promised him sex in exchange for the interview with Ben."

His mouth fell open.

"It's- I just- Sex, affection, it's all been nothing more than a transaction for me; it opens doors, it gets people what they want. That's all I've ever known, and I've been fine with that." You cleared your throat, blinking up at the ceiling a few times to stop your eyes turning glossy. "But now, along comes this man, and he's handsome and successful and charming and secure in himself and... way too fucking good for me, and yes we're having the most unbelievable sex." You paused, contemplatively. "Yet I'm somehow finding myself enjoying the parts in between the sex just as much. Like the laughing and the bickering and the talking and how even just a whiff of his aftershave on my clothes makes me hurt because I miss him so much when he's not with me."