Thoughts and Promises

At the final moments

 At the final moments, it is here that I look to the sky and feel so small. So insignificant.

I remember being scared that I wouldn't be ready to die, that I would still hold regret in my heart and yearn for more time in my final breath. I cannot give assurance. I cannot gift you with the idea that you will reach acceptance before death creeps upon you. For me I still feel a sort of longing, an attempt to grasp at time I do not have. But there is also excitement, one that causes my aching heart to beat faster.

As I look onto the trees above me and hear the crisp tangle and untangling of leaves, I feel the energy that the wind blows against them. Birds fly high above, forming V's as they join together. A crow screams at the other birds, a short cry out as though it is filled with envy and jealousy. It sees them go on as they fly far past the erupting mountains and out of sight; why it does not follow, I do not know. But, it stays perched on the branch and stares off, calling out once again.

It watches, as I do, a young couple far off. They swing their entangled hands as they walk side by side. A new kind of love, uncertainty, and excitement in the way they walk. A nervous laugh bounces and echos. The crow calls once more and bounces to another tree, perhaps for a better view of the couple.

Ants clump together and crawl about my windowsill, and chaos ensues when I place my finger in the trail. It is a remembrance of impact, that I still exist. I'm not sure why feeling influential is so important to me right now; it is the very idea of not influencing that excites me so. It is the idea that life will go on if I were to die right now, in this chair perched at the window. The crow will watch and wait, eventually leaving to find other birds; people will continue to walk through the trail - many more young couples hold more hands and laugh, and the ants will find their way over or around me. Life will continue on, but I won't know or see it.

I spent my whole life up until now with the feeling that the world revolves around me because it is only me that I have ever known. I perceived the world as it perceived me, I only ever looked through my eyes onto things that reflected back. I have only ever felt the love and affection that was given to me and that I have given away, never have I felt such a feeling that was directed elsewhere. I could not experience other experiences and could not see how the world revolved and reflected upon anyone else. Not until now, not until because of death. I will cease to exist, but the world will go on, and suddenly everything is balanced. There is so much more life after me to be perceived, to grow and to learn, and then to die just as I am. It won't stop after the next person or generation, it will just keep going on and on and on.

To wonder of the many individuals that will walk past never knowing I existed, of the new ground to come that I would have never touched, to imagine oncoming inventions that a mind such as mine can't comprehend. This is the great feeling of insignificance and how it excites me so.

I'm ready to leave; I feel comforted in that I will not care to think in nothingness, for I will be part of a void, and it will be easy to drown. A part of me is scared, it has been long since I've been there, and I am no longer familiar, but more than anything, I am excited. Thinking of the world's potential and the everlasting life I will leave behind excites me. I will die, and my body will be buried in the ground to rot, but I won't be there, I won't be anywhere. I will be gone and transformed into part of nothing where I can sleep and rest. I won't have to think or feel or exist anymore. I will be nothing, and life will continue until it joins me, so quietly that I may not know it was there at all.

For now, until I find my peace, I will sit and watch the world move. I'll watch as the crow bounces from branch to branch, leaving me further. Until the ants find their way over my finger and I'll watch as the couple walks off. I will sit and watch in longing as I pronounce my goodbye and profess my great admirance to everything my eyes will behold, not wanting to miss a single fallen leaf.