If Fire Was A Lover

February 11th, 2021

A good friend of mine, Tristan Polled, had gotten pregnant in November before the new year. She had been so busy with doctor's appointments and prepping for the baby that I hadn't seen her much outside of school, so we decided that we needed to get together. I was worried sick about her because she cut off contact with almost everyone in her life. I was so happy that she reached out to me when she did, I feel like we both needed to vent. I wanted to tell her everything, because I needed to tell someone. But I also didn't want her to tell me what she thought about it. I knew she'd hate him, and I didn't want her to, I just wanted her to understand how I've been feeling lately. I never wanted someone to hate Logan, because nobody deserved to hate him as much as I did.

I pulled a thick sweater over my head and threw on some mascara, and my dad drove me to the coffee shop. Tristan walked on and smiled ear to ear when she saw me, and I did the same. Her skin was glowing, and her little belly was just beginning to show. She walked over to me and I embraced her in a long hug.

"Oh, sweet girl! It's been so long, my god!" She squealed.

"I love you so much! I'm so happy for you, and it's so good to see you." I told her, squeezing her tight.

We sat down at the table after ordering our coffees.

"So, how are things, what's new?" I asked her, taking the first sip.

"Oh man, it's been so busy but it's been really good. I was really scared at first you know, I didn't want to tell anyone. But, as soon as I moved out and started staying with my aunt, the support has just been so nice. And she give me everything I need, and she takes me to school. She's been super great." Tristan said.

"Good, I'm so glad. And you know that if you ever needed to, you could always stay with us. In the guest room or my room, there will always be space for you." I told her, and she smiled.

"How about you?" She asked.

"I'm great!" I lied.

"Liz, honey, I don't want to worry you, but I've been hearing things." She said quietly and held my hand. "Logan August was telling some of his friends that you guys slept together, and even if it's true, I don't care and this isn't me shaming you, but I just want to make sure you're okay. I heard the things he was telling his friends, and honestly it sounded so scary." She said.

A single tear shot down my face and the speed of a bullet. "What things was he saying?"

Tristan looked at the table before answering me. "He said, he said that, he um, he said that you cried. And that he got off on it. And that you hit him, and he thought it was funny." Her face looked so sad as she spoke.

I couldn't even breathe. Tears were consistently streaming down from both eyes as I listened. "It's true. All of it," I whispered.

She put her hand over her mouth to keep from crying out loud and clasped my hand in her other one.

"It's okay, I'm okay, it sounds worse than it is." I lied.

"Honey, oh honey. He's got you wrapped around his finger. Lizzie, baby you know he's raping you, right?" She asked quietly.

I shook my head. "Not always. Just sometimes." I whispered back.

"No, Liz, not sometimes. Oh, sweet girl. I'm just sorry. I'm so sorry that I didn't speak to you for so long, I just didn't have the energy to talk to anyone, I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you." Tristan cried.

"It's okay, really. Don't apologize, Tristan. There's nothing anyone could've done. There's nothing anyone can do. I love him." I admitted, and her eyes widened.

"Please tell me you don't, Liz please," she paused and waited for an answer that I would not give. "You can't go back to him. He can't get away with it, you know that Liz. He committed a crime, don't you get that? He cannot keep doing this to you, if you go back to him it's just going to keep happening." She said.

"I know, but I can't stay away from him. Even as I sleep, I'm still walking towards his house. Even when I'm in my room, in my mind I am stuck in his room. And I'll never leave. I don't want to. Do you understand that?" I asked, tears stinging my eyes,

"I don't, but I know you do. I love you, Elizabeth. I'm never going to judge you, I'm just going to worry. Just promise me to try to take care of yourself, you have to." She looked at me and gave me a small smile, and I nodded my head. "I don't know how to leave you, I feel like I should try to stop you, like I should just take you home with me and never let you leave. Just be careful with your heart, okay?"

"Okay, I can do that. I love you, too." I told her. We sat in silence for a little while and tried to make small talk, then we said our goodbyes and each went home.

The look on her face when she realized that the rumors were true was burned into my brain. I would forever remember the horror in her eyes when I told her that I loved him. She looked at me like I was a sick dog about to be put down, she knew how helpless I was. Even when he raped me, even when he said the most gut wrenching insults to me, I couldn't stop myself from loving him. I didn't know how to stop. Over and over again I would come to his house and let him violate my rights and I would swear that I hated him, and then I'd go back again. He was like a drug that no rehab could help a user to get sober. I guess I was more like my father than I wanted to believe. We were both addicts. He loved his drinks, he loved the blur in his vision and the way the world slowed down. And I understood it then. I loved my Logan, I loved the adrenaline rush when he hurt me, I loved the way he ripped me open and made me realize that I was still alive, and even though I knew I needed to quit him, I also knew that I wouldn't.