Sorry and Thank You

I'm sorry

***

It was a rainy day in winter, a rare occasion when the weather wasn't quite cold enough for it to snow, but still cold enough that we had to wear scarves and jackets.

"Raine! Follow me! I found a great spot to stargaze!" Mallory called, waving at me with one raincoat covered arm.

"But it's raining... I doubt we'll see any stars." I muttered as my feet followed him regardless of my protesting, hugging my own raincoat closer around me as the rain pittered and pattered around us

"You have to be optimistic, Raine! The rain might stop once we get there!" He said as he stepped past a grove of trees.

I looked up to the sky, where the gloomy grey clouds loomed overhead. I blinked as some rain plopped onto my face, and looked over to Mallory, skipping ahead of me, "but the rain is so heavy, I really don't think it's going to stop anytime soon."

He turned around and jogged over, then grabbing my arm, he began to tug me along, "that's why I said you have to be optimistic, Raine. Who knows? The rain might stop halfway through, but even with the rain, the view is beautiful regardless. Mother nature made everything you see, and I make it a habit to appreciate her effort, you should too."

I frowned, "but still... what if we get sick? Or get hurt? The rain makes the road really slippery, Mallory. You know what happened last year when you tried to run across the road, it had frozen over after the rain and you just had to insist on running across..."

"I thought I could slide across, you know, like ice skating!"

"Doesn't ice skating require special equipment to actually skate on the ice properly?"

"Details, Raine. Details."

I sighed, glancing over to the happily smiling Mallory as he dragged me along, "... obstinate."

He nodded and somehow his smile went even wider, "don't you know it."

From there, we didn't talk much, a comfortable silence settling between us. On the way, I found myself wondering where we were going as we went deeper and deeper into the woods. I had of course considered trying to talk Mallory out of this stargazing trip, but him being as stubborn as he is, I suppose I had given up on that idea.

Really, I shouldn't have given up that idea.

I shouldn't have.

By the time we had arrived at wherever Mallory wanted us to be, the rain had slowed to a gentle shower, but still dropping on our raincoats and making the roads and cliffs slick with mud and slippery vegetation.

I looked around, where the trees arched over us to create a makeshift cover, yet still showing the cloudy sky through the green leaves. The greenery was especially thick around these parts, making this little grove like a small hideout, just for Mallory and me.

Mallory tugged on my arm and pointed ahead of us, where an opening in the trees cleared to a cliffside overlooking our small village.

I looked with wonder at the sight of everyone I've ever known, there, in those small houses that from here, looked smaller than my hand. Some people strolled about with colourful umbrellas covering their heads, small, like ants. So far away, so far down below.

"Nice isn't it?" Mallory grinned smugly as he stood beside me on the cliff, his feet dangerously close to the edge.

I thought to myself, why hadn't I nudged him away that day? Away from that ledge, away from the danger.

"You don't need to be so smu--" I smacked his arm, teasingly, the same way I smacked him whenever we squabble over another small thing, like how different butterflies and moths are, or whether I should sneak the fan away from Mallory's dad in summer, yet as he tipped over the edge I began to curse myself for that action.

Why had I done that? I had wondered over the passing days I sat in the hospital, barely sleeping, barely even eating or drinking had it not been for the doctors and nurses who forced food and water down my throat.

The blinking lights of 'EMERGENCY' had almost blinded me as I stared at it, for minutes, hours, or had it been days?

That tight ball of anxiety wound up even more as the lights went dim and a white coated man came out, his tired face stiffening even further at the sight of me and the exhausted looks of Mallory's parents, sitting a few seats from me.

I found myself unable to tear my eyes away from the doctor -- not in the way I was awed when Mallory showed me the sights of his world, no, Mallory's world is special after all, something that only we can enjoy together -- gave us the news, that Mallory couldn't walk properly anymore, that Mallory isn't waking up, that Mallory is in a coma.

Because of me.

I wonder what happened after that? When all I could hear was screaming that sounded of guilt. When I could feel hands around my arms, tight enough to bruise. When all I could think was it's my fault, it's my fault, it's my fault...

Then, I remembered waking up, feeling empty and oddly blank. I had looked around the blindingly white room for Mallory, who had always come charging into my room yelling about our next adventure, before remembering...

Oh right. Mallory isn't going to wake me up today.

He isn't coming over to my house today.

He isn't going to drag me around the forests, looking at insects and blooming flowers.

He isn't going to bring me to listen to the birds chirp or the cicadas screech.

He isn't going to run around anymore, because of that leg that he lost.

And it's all because of me.

***