What Comes After The End?

05

Una ko siyang nakita sa bleachers. Doon kami kumain dahil puno na sa benches and sa T-Zone. They were eating at biglang tumama ang tingin namin. I immediately look away kasi sino ba naman ang gusting tinititigan habang sumusubo?

Later that day, when I got home. I received a friend request from a boy named Ryuu Sebastian. Mutual sila ni Min kaya inaccept ko nalang.

Then I haven't realized na nagcha-chat na pala kami. Saka ko lang narealize na hindi na pang eme eme ang pagcha chat namin sa isa't isa. May goodmornings and goodnights na, may update nang nagaganap and so on.

I was amazed at him. Amazed about how he sees things, how he perceives things and how he handles things.

He was the only person I knew that could do that. When we parted, I've always been finding that aspect of you to everyone.

So far, no one is close enough.

Yet, there are things that changed in me.

Napansin ko ang pagbabago ko sa katawan ko at sa sarili ko mismo before naging kami ni Ryuu, nung naging kami ni Ryuu at nang maghiwalay kami ni Ryuu.

I was not thin before, my hair was healthy, di naman ako sakitin, I do my hobbies consistently, I finish my work instantly. I love myself that I took great care of myself.

When I was with Ryuu I was drifting away from my own self. Palaging puyat kasi kausap si Ryuu, Mabilisang pagkain at konte lang ang kinakain kasi kakausapin si Ryuu, hindi ko na magawa ang mga hobbies ko kasi mas nilalaan ko na ang oras ko kay Ryuu, di ko matapos agad agad ang mga trabaho ko kasi in between working kinakausap ko si Ryuu.

My whole world revolved around Ryuu. Mula umaga hanggang gabi ay si Ryuu lang ang iniisip ko. To the point that I forgot to look at myself. I forgot that I also have to take care of myself.

Kahit na sabihin ni Ryuu na kumain muna ako kahit gaano pa yan katagal, maghihintay naman siya. Pero di ko naman siya kayang paghintayin kasi sayang yung oras.

Ryuu's care was not enough. The most important care that your body will take and will listen to, is yourself.

Sabihin man ng maraming tao na kumain ka, basta kung ayaw mo, ayaw mo. Hindi ka talaga kakain because there are reasons why you are like that.

Ryuu became my world, but in the same time, I lost myself in the process.

After I broke off with Ryuu I didn't knew what to do in my life. Gigising kang walang "goodmorning", lalakad kang walang "ingat!"

It seems like entering a new world to me. Nakakapanibago ang lahat nang wala na si Ryuu. Hindi ko alam kung saan ako uumpisa, hindi ko alam kung saan ako lulugar.

I was like a lost child.

Yet, after some time I took a few small steps, returning to who I really am.

Unti unti na akong tumataba, unti unti nang umaayos ang tulog ko, bumalik na ako sa mga hobbies ko, I can do and finish multiple works in just one day.

I had freedom. A freedom that keeps me from overthinking from texting and updating someone from time to time or kung ano bang ganap sa kanya.

A freedom where I can regain myself. A freedom I once lost but regained.

Even though I am trying to bring back the old me, I will never be the old me again.

Because I grew. I grew emotionally and mentally. My beliefs changed, my way of thinking changed and my attitude changed.

I thought love was all rainbows and butterflies but it isn't.

I thought we all have happy endings but people just come and go in your life, they can leave a lesson or a message to you that will change you.

I though that there's always a villain to you and your prince charming pero minsan, ang prince charming mo pala ang villain sa storya niyo.

That was just some of the things I've realized after a year.

Now that I am ready to let go, a true and last goodbye to Ryuu.

It's a good thing that I didn't force myself to forget him.

The more you forget, the more you remember.

Nakatatak na kasi sa isipan na mo "Kakalimutan ko na siya! Ayoko na sa kanya" so on and so forth but when you just go with the flow of destiny, seeing him when you don't want to see him, accepting the fact that you are over, savoring the last moments you'll share with him even from afar or even with him not knowing, just taking things slow is a big help in form of forgetting him totally.

Take things slow. Wala namang karera kaya bat ka nagmamadali? The more you think about it, the more you'll remember instead of forgetting about it.

Let yourself slowly forget. His voice, his face, the way he laughs, his habits that yyou've memorized. Eventually you'll forget them all in a matter of time.

The more you forget, the more you remember, and when you remember, you think of many things, whether it may be the past or the possible happenings in the future.

It takes time to heal. It always takes time.

"Oh? himala? umupo ka ulit jan?" gulat na tanong ni Ate.

Nandito kasi sa sala ang piano namin. Kumuha ng tubig si Ate at nadaanan akong nakaupo sa harapan ng piano namin.

"Namiss ko lang" as I touched the tiles, my heart flattered, biglang bumuhay ang puso ko sa di ko maipaliwanag na dahilan. I was happy by just touching the tiles.

This was the thing I longed for in my heart when Ryuu and I were in a relationship. Parating may kulang sa puso ko noon pero hindi ko makuha kung ano ba talaga iyon. But when the moment I touched the tiles of the piano, nalaman ko na kung ano ang bagay na iyon.

There are things you lose when you are with someone. Hindi mo iyon mapapansin dahil nakatuon ka lang sa iisang bagay, sa iisang tao. But after you touched it, you savor it, you'll immediately remember it.

You always lose some parts of yourself in the process.