Farewells always hurt | woosan

~~I~~

This night seemed like any other in months. The cold, windy mid-february air continuously hit the small window in the corner of the room. In the compelling darnkess of the area there could be seen an indistinctive figure laying on the bed, tightly covered with thick blanket due to the freezing weather. San as usually couldn't sleep. His severe insomnia wasn't getting better at all, despite all the assurances of his psychologist. He was laying down on his not so big mattress, staring into gloom of the night. Today was worse than usually, he couldn't bring himself to even close his eyes. His mind was racing, the thoughts and memories spiralling, making him go near crazy. What is going to happen the next day wasn't helping at all. Tomorrow, the journey of what they call adulthood, is about to begin. He is supposed to start college. His first day so far away from his home. Not that he liked being here, with people who constantly offended him, making his life miserable. But it still was his home. The place he had friends, a few people who cared about him and even so slightly made him smile. Tomorrow everything is going to change. He no longer will be able to hang out with the people he was close to, he won't be able to sorrow to them about his thought. He won't even have his therapist. Not to mention all the responsibilities, like earning a living on your own. His parents right away told him that once he moves out, they are cutting him off completely from their budget.

To say San wasn't ready is a big understatement. Thus he was doing anything other than sleep. His heart was noticeably speeding, clearly confirming his anxiety. As much as he wanted to be a strong person, both physically and mentally, he couldn't. He knows that he is nothing but a dissapointment to everyone around him. From afar, to the people he is not close with, he seems perfectly fine. In the past some were even scared or greatly impressed by his strong aura. He looked like he doesn't give a fuck about anyone, just living his life as he wants to. But the reality hits hard. Throughout most of the life he suffered severe anxiety, later connected with depression. Constantly rethinking everything, being told by himself and the parents that he is meaningless and brings shame to their family, was normal occurance. He didn't become that stable person everyone could rely on. Instead, he was very fragile. The smallest insult shattered his heart more and more. Even though you probably couldn't tell that at first, because San was doubtlessly good at hiding his true self, later on he would cry himself at night until sleep, which usually didn't come that easily.

As he grew now more and more anxious about following day, he found himself yet again, reminescing about a certain boy. He has promised himself countless number of times that he'll stop thinking about him. After all, the boy was only childhood friend, if you can even call that someone you have known for barely a couple days.
He was sure he'll eventually forget about him. How big impact that boy must have had on him, so he still, after all these years, is dreaming of him.

Ever since the day of his 11th birthday he spent the nights wondering about aforementioned friend. Lately, he noticed to be thinking of him less and less. He was glad to finally let go of that chapter of his life. However, on the other hand it made him unbelievably sad. That certain person was the only one he cared so much about. The only one he felt content with and wanted to be by his side forever.
Yeah, some would say it's impossible to feel that way towards someone you knew for a few days, especially as a child. Definitely that friend didn't feel as partially so found of San as he did. Fuck, they didn't even know each others names. That thing just didn't cross their youth minds, as it wasnt necessary to know that to play and talk with eachother.

So how could San mourn so greatly after him? He asked that himself many times, always left without any answer. He didn't feel that way towards any other of his friends, so why him? Why that certain, mysterious boy, who so shamelessly left him all alone?

~~flashback~~~

San happily rushed out of his room, almost tripping over the threshold at the same time.
'Mama, I'm going to the playground, I'll be back later!'
'Again? What are you going there for everyday? Is it that your friend again?'
'Yeah, we're going to have so much fun! And you know what? He promised me to give me something today! I can't wait to see what it is'
'Oh honey, I'm glad you're that happy. I would love to meet that boy one day. Why won't you invite him over tomorrow? I'm sure he'll be happy. What is his name?'
'Oh, that. I don't really know his name. I've never asked that. But I'll ask him today! He probably has some cool name like these best characters in movies.
I have to go now. I don't want to be late. He's probably already waiting for me. Bye mummy!'
'Bye Sannie, have a great time. Just get back before it's dark baby!' his mum shouted from the kitchen, before getting over to her son and kissing him goodbye.