I Hope So

Shameful

Emotions had absolutely no place in work.

I shivered in the cold of the frosty twilight's demise to the rising sun.

Had I fallen asleep in my work clothing? No matter, it had happened before - the wrinkles in my white blouse were not visible under my coat, for the most part. This is what I assured myself.

At random, four gentle knocks came, and I rose out of my bed immediately. Gin? The brass knob turned itself and the door creaked open. She peeked in, her charcoal-black hair still down and flowing. "Good morning, Gin."

She nodded to me with a minuscule, polite smile, her eyes closed and head somewhat tilted, offering the same tone of familiarity through the gesture. 

"Did you need something of me?" I asked in an unvarying tone.

She gave a start, as though she had forgotten why as well, and shook her head, putting up a hand next to her face. I found myself instinctually taking the carton she held out in her thin, graceful hands.

"Thanks." 

She gave a single nod, recognizing my comment, and with a hardly noticeable wave, she turned to the hall and closed the door with another creak.

Though I found them to be somewhat pointless, I believe these sorts of exchanges with Gin were intended to be in kindness, and I appreciated them appropriately. She was a good and dear little sister, and surely the person I was most fond of in this realm of life. I believe the relationship of a brother and sister is most precious.

I looked down at the drink in my hand. Opening it laggardly, I raised it to my lips and did not notice the flavor, consuming it hastily. I glanced at the digital clock next to my bed. It was 6:48. Something within me stirred unpleasantly. I must eliminate the weretiger before the deal this evening.

I shuffled over and dropped the emptied drink container into a trash bin in the corner. I silently thought, as well as avoided thinking, for the rest of the next hour. The mafioso from yesterday had told me the weretiger had the day off, and gave me his address and the names of a few of the stores he commonly visited. Higuchi and I would converse about our plans at 8, and she likely would have done extra research and have everything mapped and written out. I had executed more trying victims than him. So why, now, did I begin to partially doubt my ability? 

I stood silently, blending into the dark of the shadows in the considerably narrow alleyway. Higuchi, somehow obtaining the information accidentally from Kyouka, had showed me this certain shortcut the weretiger often used when coming home from the market he happened to be visiting at this moment. It was an amazing find; quiet, off to the side, and completely empty. It briefly crossed through one of the sketchier and less populated regions of Yokohama that I had in fact traversed through multiple times in my earlier mafia days. I waited in tense restlessness, my hands suddenly gaining an obnoxious amount of energy and compelling me to silently crack my wrists and toy with my fingers. I felt a minuscule vibration on my leg, where my phone had been put into my pocket. Sliding my hand in and grasping it, I was greeted by a message from Higuchi: "I've looked at you a few times from my position. Are you okay, sir?" What a prying, annoying woman. I scowled at the screen. Before my fingers could finish typing out, "Shut up, Higuchi," I paused at hearing the clacking of shoes upon concrete. Oh.

Putting it back into my pocket, I felt a surge of nausea and strongly wished to flee. 

The consistent footsteps grew louder and I braced myself accordingly, vigilant and prepared with my rashomon for when he would turn the corner. 

There he was, absentmindedly clutching a large brown paper bag, with one hand casually stuck in a pocket. For a whole four seconds, he remained like that. I felt his eyes narrow as they detected and traced my outline, and his stance change into that of a defensive pose. He looked relatively annoyed.

"Akuagawa! What are you here for?"

I responded automatically, "For your head, foolish tiger." 

Oh, oh god, oh dear god - why did my voice sound so.. Unconvinced? I didn't mean to do that. 

He was the kind of person to pick up on those cues. Dear god. I could sense his judgment in that moment of silence which followed my answer. 

I think my cheeks may have reddened slightly. I felt them heat up as I scowled in frustration. Dammit. I hope my face is not very visible to him. I felt like I should say something, but I wasn't sure of what. I felt a vibration from my phone. Shut up, stupid woman!! Now is not the time for your pointless words.

My heartbeat increased, as well as the rate of my breathing. What in the world was happening? Everything's a bit out of control.. What to do now..

He was looking at me, right at my darting eyes. 

I felt extremely disgusted with myself. My enemy had a look of sympathy and confusion. I coughed to the side, my face lighting up with crimson awkwardness.

I couldn't just not kill him.. But I desired to leave so badly.. 

Where was my bloodlust - my anger - or even my composure!? This would not do. Such a shameful performance! 

I furrowed my nonexistent brow and sent rashomon speeding towards all four of his limbs in order to incapacitate him. 

"You're acting weird. Did I do something?" Jinko asked in mild confusion, jumping back and transforming his arms as he cut away my incoming ability. 

No, I wanted to assure him. I kept my mouth shut in indecision for as to what to say.

Our fight continued. It was not supposed to be a fight - I was supposed to have taken him out without his notice as he turned that corner initially. "Uh," he nervously began, "you're not... As capable as usual..." 

I stared at him with seething offense. Catching this, he stuttered out, "no! I uh- I mean to say that.. Like..." Why was he so anxious? Wasn't he usually in contempt of me? Was I doing something wrong? 

"You seem like.. Something's happened.. Are you even Akutagawa?"

What?

I automatically jumped back as he swiftly came to confront me, just standing a few feet away. His eyes inquisitively stared up at mine, and his long, white lashes fluttered as he blinked.

My heart skipped a beat, and my mouth hung open slightly.

I felt a vibration from my phone and glanced down at it. STOP TEXTING ME, YOU IDIOT.

Oh, no. I think he may have taken the lack of attempt to attack, sarcastic remarks, or eye contact as a sign - especially that I had just glanced down, almost as though feeling guilty. 

Oh god.

I must have looked pathetic. 

My fear showed on my face. I didn't know what to do, especially with my now shaking hands. 

Too close - he's too close. I don't want him to see me in my.. Weakness.

I shivered in disgust and shame. 

Sensing my alarming hesitancy, he felt comfortable enough to take charge. He drove me against a wall and restrained me. 

My gaze became wild. My weak frame shook as I coughed violently at the floor, and my breathing and heart rate wouldn't slow down. 

Everything was out of my control.

I was scared. The world began to blur and spin, and I felt faint.

"..Akutagawa?" I couldn't do anything. I couldn't get enough air. I was, as some call it, 'hyperventilating.'

"SENPAI!!" 

I could only vaguely hear the sprinting of Higuchi, and gunshots. Everything seemed ethereal and far away.

Not enough oxygen.

"SENPAI! CAN YOU HEA..." I'm not really sure what she said; I hardly comprehended it. 

I fainted.