I was 3 years old back then when my Dad left me and my mom. All I remembered about my dad was him leaving our home with his bag while my mom's crying at the corner, she tried to stop him but he already decided to leave us. But as a 3 year old, I could only look at them, I can't even say anything since I can't handle the situation, no, it's because I can't understand the situation yet.
We really had a hard time back then, my dad was the one who's supporting us financially and now he suddenly left us, leaving my mom no choice but to find a job in order for the two of us to survive, she tried doing different jobs at once, she used to do laundries, massage services and be a helper at different stores. As long as there's a job opportunity, she'll apply for it even if she has no experience with it.
But sadly, it wasn't enough, most of the jobs she worked at gave below minimum salaries that's why most of the money's paid to the loansharks whom my dad loaned to. If she won't pay them and buy food instead, they will come at our house and threaten her, they'll even hurt her in front of me so that she will pay them, most of the time, nothing's left from her pay that we had to starve for days, or even weeks.
I really wanted to help but what can a 4 year old kid do? All I can do was to study as hard as I can, so that I can repay my mom with all her sacrifices for me in the future.
Ever since my Dad left, me and my mom always slept together, I used to sleep at my own room but after what happened, I started to have nightmares of my mom leaving me every night, I tried hiding it from her so that she won't worry but there's a time that she heard me mumbling the word "Mom" while crying. After that, she told me to sleep with her every night, and it immediately stopped me from having those nightmares, probably because I can feel her hugging me and it gives me an assurance that she'll never left me unlike that man.
I always loved my mom, and I know she also feels the same for me, but all of it changed when I turned 6. We were both sleeping together as usual, but then I suddenly felt short of breath, after waking up with a groggy head, that's when I realized that my mom was trying to suffocate me using her pillow.
I remembered trying to fight back by gripping her hand, hoping she'll let go but she was so strong, my mom pushed the pillow on my face so hard that I can barely breathe, all I could do was to try to catch my breath so that I won't pass out.
"Mom....please, don't" that's the only phrase I can say while I try to fight back, but I was just a kid.
"If only I never gave birth to you, this'll never happen" I can clearly hear my mom sobbing while saying those hurtful things to me, I know she never meant it but all I could think about was "Why?"
Why would she do that to me? Am I really the root of all our sufferings, am I the reason why my dad left us? Or am I the reason why we're drowned in loans?
Nevertheless, the next thing I remember was me waking up the next day. Did I pass out? Am I dead? Is this the afterlife? But no, it isn't, maybe my mom thought I was dead because I probably passed out while she tried killing me, all I could do was to thank God that I'm alive.
But when I thought that my tragedy has ended, it actually hasn't yet. The first thing I saw that morning was my mom's dead body laying beside me, and her hand was wrapped around me as if she's hugging me, I just can't get it. How could she try to kill me, her only daughter and kill herself afterwards?
That moment, everything's hard to accept for a kid like me, I don't know what to do anymore, first my mom tried to kill me and I just barely survived and then her dead body's laying beside me. My mind totally went blank during that time.
Later on, a group of men barged inside our house, as far as I remember there were four of them, but I can't remember their faces at all.
One of them approached my mom and checked on her, "She's dead" he told the other guys, and then two other guys started walking towards me. Of course she's dead, she'd been lying there probably for hours.
Meanwhile, another one of them suddenly grabbed me by my hair, as if he's trying to take me away, "Boss, what should we do with this kid?" He asked the last person behind them, who turned out to be their so called leader. The way he holds my hair was so hard that I felt like my scalp was burning.
"Don't touch her, she got nothing to do with her parent's debt" their boss said, before he went and knelt in front of me, shoving the man's hand from my hair himself.
"Listen kid" he moved even closer,
"Do you have any relatives that you can contact?" he asked, taking his flip phone out of his pocket after, opening its dial feature for me.
"I don't know anyone, mister" after telling him that, his face slowly turned apologetic as if he's sympathizing with me.
"I'm sorry that this happened to you" I don't really trust them, not at all, but that time, I felt that he was really sincere with his apology.
"Why don't you come with me instead? I'll make sure to support you until you've become capable of taking care of yourself"
Those words, I know he's one of the reason that my mom killed herself but, he acts more like a dad compared to that man who left us. Even then, without hesitation, I accepted his offer and he really fulfilled his promise, he supported me with all my needs while I'm studying until I've become a trainee, and that's when we lost contact with each other. I can't say that I've forgiven him but, I treated him like my real father.
But things has gotten different after my mom died. Now, everytime I sleep with someone beside me, I'll always have nightmares of my mom trying to kill me, there are also times when I see her dead body which makes me tremble as soon as I wake up. I guess this is what they call a trauma.
That's why I got mad at Hyein earlier, but I never really wanted to be like that to her, I mean it, seriously.
