The thoughts of a wondering mind.

Oh well. Maybe next time.

"Goodbye" I start off, "Goodbye to those who may have known me in my life. Those who have heard me cry those salty tears. Over a women. Or an event that had happened. Or trauma that replays in my stupid brain. Goodbye to those whom left my life. Those who may have ditched me for someone who did something forbidden to me. But it was for the best. I realized after I started healing and started doing things for me and what was best for me. I realized I hated you and who you are. You did nothing but drained my life. That's why I'm ending it now. I may be confident and stand proud on who I am. I may love myself in every way shape and form and praise myself for growing. But, it's too much. This pain that grows in my heart. The dreadful days I waking up and dragging myself out of bed. Not taking showers anymore like I used to. Or caring about me. I mean. I do care about me. But this? This life. How I am living. How I am treated is unbearable. Lost friendships. Was cheated out of a great relationship. Friend and romantic. Home life isn't the best either. You thought after years of it. I'd get used to it. But I haven't. Same emotions. Different feelings though. Goodbye to new people I gained in my life. It was nice knowing you. I hate myself. For not giving up sooner. Life is not pointless. Life is good and filled with happiness of songs. It's filled with sweet grace of good mornings, good afternoons and good nights from strangers. A complaint all day every day. I'm not surprised though. The way I express myself always gets peoples attention. Good, bad and hateful. It won't matter though. My fashion. My clothes and my out look on life. My confidence and ego and being the therapist friend personality will be missed. But myself? Not so much. I'm considered a bad and horrible person. I tried so hard for years. I tried fitting in. I tried being what the world and the cookie cut social standards wanted me to be. But that failed so I started being me. Lost a bunch of friend they become closer for the simple fact of hating me. I mean, I'd hate me too. I'm too honest. People dislike that. I don't care. Some people need to hear what they are doing is wrong and what they need to do better. Sometimes. You lose people doing that because you don't cover it in sugar, spice and everything nice. I am a bad person. A pinch size of people tell me I'm not and how I treat people back is what they deserve. They don't deserve my kindness. Or my effort to make things right if all they care about and ripping off my clothes to see my bare skin and tear at my layers of who I am. Who I tried to be and what I want to be. Forgive me though. For those who will miss me. I'm sorry, but I can't do it anymore. With life. With how people treat me. I stopped caring. I'm at a low point and I know I can't grow from it. I've been low before. But this. This is new. I'm not me. When I'm low. I still care about being clean and taking care of myself. But now. Now I don't. I just want to stop and drown in my sorrows and disappear. So I bid you farewell world and I hate you for how you treated me." "Hey, are you coming? You're going to be late for school!" I hear my dear friend say through my bedroom door. I shut my book and put it back on the self. I look in the mirror to see my outfit for today. Pretty and perfect as ways. Along with my hair and makeup. I let out a big sight before smiling, "Oh well. Maybe next time. For now. It's YOUR job to make people smile."
"It's going to be your job before you can lay that note out and take that nap you always wanted, forever and never give people the answer on why didn't I tell them sooner. It'll be a mystery for the rest of their lives. A dead girl can't answer even if she wanted to."

"Next time Beautiful. Next time"