Don't regret this

17. acting weirdly

It's been a week since we last met
We are talking over phone ok
But shouldn't we see each other
Are you busy
Rafael

Everyday I see how much I know little about him. His name is Rafael, he is studying to become a psychologist, he is 20 years old. If I ask him questions about him, he answers me but doesn't talk about himself if I don't ask.

He never lets me see his face for a long time and refuses to take off his mask.

That gigantic mask that seems too big for him and covers everything under his eyes. I can't even tell his face's shape.

I told him I wanted to see him, and he always replies that he doesn't want to, that it makes him uncomfortable or that he will show himself one day.

We can't meet today... sorry

Why
Then let's meet tomorrow

I can't either...

When can you then ?

In 2 weeks I think...

What the hell
It's not even finals
You have no big exams
What's stopping you from meeting me for 2 whole weeks
Explain yourself

I'm sick

For 2 weeks ?!
You will recover sooner than that !

It's covid

Liar.

Why is he lying to me ? What can he possibly hide ? I let things go to his rythm all the time but I won't anymore. If he doesn't open up to me I will break up with him

I will come to your place
If you don't talk
Tell me the fucking truth
I can't stand your secrets anymore
Is this relationship a joke to you

Stop please
You know It's not
I'm serious about us
More than you think
Damn it... I really didn't want to tell you but I'm not sick
I'm hurt
I fell down the stairs
And hurt my leg

You did what ?!
Why didn't you tell me
Why can't I know ?!
WHY WOULDN'T YOU WANT ME TO KNOW

I didn't want you to worry...

Fucking idiot
Is it broken

It's not
I need a few weeks to recover

I will come by

I would rather you didn't

Please
Let me be there for you

Sigh... okay. Come by.

***

Rafael opened the door and went back to sit as soon as I came in.

"Make yourself at ease." He said.

He has the goddamn mask, scarf and hat on.

I don't believe the scars story anymore. I want to trust him. But he act more like a wanted criminal than a man with scars. No one is this ashamed of scars.

Scars are beautiful. They are a proof of being a survivor. He should know that.

My biggest guess is I'm dating a mafia boss, a criminal or a celebrity.

Celebrity is my last guess. I lean more towards the mafia or criminal guy.

Or he really does have huge scars.

"I want to see your face." I said. "Not your whole face if you want. Let me at least see your jaw, your neck ! The only day you didn't have a scarf on, you wore a turtleneck. It's not cold here."

"Are you serious ? I'm freezing. I get cold very easely. And for me, this room is very cold."

I feel like talking to Bessie right now. Her jaw is shaking when it's 6 degrees outside and she can't wear a t-shirt unless it's 20 degrees, or else 'it's too cold for her'.

Pedri hurt his thigh a few days ago. And Rafael hurt his leg.

It's kinda weird.

"I don't care about the scars, show me your face."

"No.."
"Please, only a bit."
"No."

"Why are u dating me then !" I snapped.

"If you are so sure I will be disgusted by your face then why are you dating me !" I must be crazy to even be with someone like him.

For some reason I can't bring myself to break up. Something in me is holding onto this weird relationship.

Rafael bowed his head a bit.

"It's not you. I'm the problem. I beg you... don't hate me... please..." He whimpered a bit as his words got out.

"I will show you one day, I swear... for now please, I beg you, let me enjoy this little moments left... you are the best thing in my life right now..."

I felt very guilty now... my heart ached for this pitiful guy. Maybe this is why I don't leave him. Because he always look so sad. As if the purpose of life was leaving him little by little, letting him empty inside.

"It's hard to be with you." I let out. He exhausts me.

"It will be even harder if you knew everything about me." His forehead fell on my shoulder.

"Let's both enjoy these peaceful moments while we can still have them. I miss this calm, normal life so much... this anonymous life... I want it back, mi amada. I really want it back."

Mi amada ?

"First time I call anyone like this. Amada. I like it, it suits you."

"Mi amada means..."

"My beloved. Yes."

"...Rafael ?"

"Yes, mi amada ?"

It does sound really good.

I will discover who you are, Rafael. I'm letting it pass this time because you're hurt (and because my nickname is mi amada). But I will know your true indentity wether you like it or not.

I think my subconscious already knows, it's just not telling me.

I have this feeling I'm being very blind to something very obvious.

So obvious that my eyes don't see it.