"THE GAZEBO & THE HOTEL!!!"

PART I:"THE GAZEBO & THE HOTEL!!!"/CHAPTER 2

Now "How can you know that if you keep rejecting this fine, sexy man everytime he wants to talk too you, get to know you & take you out, HUH???" So Hell Yeah! we are going too aid & albeit Philip in trying to win your heart. My mind is spinning, then I text back:"I cannot believe this, I hate ya'll!"...Pam text back:"YEAH!..YEAH!..YEAH Sis and we love you too." I was about to text back til the truck slowly pulled up in front of a building that look like a plantation house, with my heart beating a mile a minute and a wave of heat, which is probably a hot flash crashing all over me, then I text back:"Pam!..I think I'm here, is this the right place???" I'm thinking out loud, my clutched hand tightly wrapped around my phone that is pressed against my chest, the men tell me that this is definitely the place, so that confirms it, I feel like I'm about to have a panic attack. So I tell myself, "Breathe...Britt...Breathe!..it's going too be okay, let's just see what Philip has set in motion, I hope this isn't another seduction attempt, I can't take much more of this incredibly smooth, sensual, provocative man, I'll scream if he looks at me with that stare he gives, so God help me." Here's hoping and praying that Philip will tone it down on the charm factor particularly a night like tonite, the back right door opens, a male reaches to assist me out of the truck, I extend my hand out too him, it's Charlie, he tells me too leave my bag because this will not be our last destination. Now in my head I'm thinking, "Not our last destination??? and then I remember, OH! the hotel afterwards, but I'm not certain that I'm going to a hotel room too be alone with him," so he takes my hand and the volume of the radio which was low for a minute, now is blasting & blarring out one of my favorite R&B oldie but goodie song by the Gap Band,

LYRICS:"OUT-STAN-DING! Girl you knock me out-
Ex-ci-ting! It makes me wanna shout."
"Gee I feel so lucky girl-too have you all alone-I really love the way you love me girl-forever I'll be yours.
You blow my mind baby-I'm so alive with ya baby-You blow my mind baby-you blow my mind baby, baby. You light my fire-I feel alive with ya baby-you blow my mind-I'm satisfied. OUT-STAN-DING!!!"

and once I'm out of the suburban, a little gust of warm wind blow in our direction, Thank God! I chosed this dress, the last two days, the weather here in Louisiana has been really strange, I mean, it's suppose too feel like mid-winter, but it doesn't feel that way, that's why I say it's strange, or as my brother puts it, 'seesaw weather', Charlie takes my hand & tucks it in the crook of his right arm and preceded to escort me down the sidewalk around the corner. So, we get to the corner and just like that, we stop and he tells me, "Well, I've done my part, from this point on, you walk alone now, just continue on down this sidewalk to you see the gazebo, OH!..& Ms. Jenkinson, Happy B-Day! & Happy Valentine's Day!!! Confused & fearful, "Ummm!...Thank You!...I anxiously reply, I looked at the gentlemen as he returned back to the automobile and then I looked at what's ahead of me, OH! GOD, "What's ahead of me???" From soul music to now what sounds like jazz music surrounding the area, "I can't believe my ears, Is that John Coltrane I hear???" 'In A Sentimental Mood', well I be Prof. Hartwell, I know that's real, I stated pleasingly, not just too my ears, but in conjunction as a grin formed on my face too. While walking until I'm in good distance from the gazebo, but I'm pretty much able too see how everything, well;almost everything looks, even from a few feet, I arrive to what looks like, in all honesty, a wedding ceremony. OH-MY-GOD!...LORD JESUS!..."WHAT HAS HE DONE???" I'm freaking out at this point, "Where am I??? this place, this Gazebo looks like nothing I've ever seen before in my life and I love me some gazebos, but this gazebo here is designed, like something from the Greecian & Roman times, it's like the prettiest pearl white color and the crown top of it has strings of lights & roses covering all over & they come cascading down, the stringed lights and roses wrapped around the columns/pillars, just so exquisitely." This looks like it took some major work and I commend whomever did this for their success, and if that wasn't enough, the table for two is set up so elegantly, it is just so.....the table is medium sized, that is covered by a shimmery white material that even from somewhat far away, I can see it shining, I guess that's because the string of lights are hitting it a certain way. The two-chairs are white and decorated in red chiffon with drape sashes, with red roses & lights tucked into the back of those sashes on the back of the chairs, just gorgeous and the table again is decorated with a white glitter tablecloth & another shiny tablecloth that's red, folded and draped across from one side of the table where one chair is located to the other side of the table across to the next chair. And the center piece is two vases of red roses on each side of the plates and white & red long l.e.d. candles, inside silver chrome holders and when I say that this has a wedding theme too it, where I am standing, each side of me is lined with rose petals and l.e.d. small candles, like a make shift aisle. And because of this wedding like atmosphere, I'm almost thinking of pulling Julia Roberts character from 'The Runaway Bride' and blowing this party, but as much as a part of me wants...needs to do that, another part of me wants...needs this moment more, I want him more, even though I know shouldn't. I mean, for him too go to such lengths too give me a birthday and Valentine's Day to remember, all I can think is that, Prof. Hartwell...H-O-T-W-E-L-L!..can get it, Philip can get it all night long as the thought has me breathing rapidly. Hold Up!..Hold Up!..Wait a minute!..and then I think, maybe the reason why he's done all of this, is because he is trying really hard too get me into his bed & I wouldn't put it passed him either, Philip has made it very clear and in every way how much he wants me. Details upon details of what all he would do too me if I would just give him the opportunity, and as much as my body craves what he has to offer, my soul & spirit cannot, I've told Philip many times over now that I don't do that, I don't have sex with a man who is not my husband, point...blank...the period. And just when I think he understands that, he keeps trying & trying & trying, so I'm guessing tonite is another episode of 'Let's Get It On', is about to commence. So, I take a deep breath, A-H-H-H-H-H-H!.....EXHALE! H-A-A-A-A-A-A!.....okay, let's get this over with, so I finally walk down this make shift aisle & on concrete that doesn't look like regular concrete. Think cobblestone roads, like over in Europe, like the roads in London, England, where Philip is from, no wonder he chosed this venue that I know nothing about too get his sexy on for the umpteenth time, well, let's see how you gonna work your stuff tonite dear sir. So I walk til I'm just a few inches away from the breathtaking gazebo, the unseasonably warm breeze whizzes around me, making my hair & cape on my dress float, then I hear this deep, soft as silk, arouses everythang in me, enticing, sexy as he wants too be English dialect speak, "Well Good Evening!..Ms. Jenkinson." Electricity flows all thru me as I slowly turn around til I'm face-to-face and Lord have mercy, that smile that makes him even more handsome, if that's even possible and which makes him extremely inviting. He continues speaking as he moves in closer and as I move in closer, like two magnets drawn too each other, "And don't you look delectable tonite, or as you told me once, you said it's a line from a movie, "You look so good that I can put you on a plate and sop you up with a biscuit! Did I get that right???" with that innocent but flirty glance, teasing and seductive tone that let's me know that if I let him have his way with me, that I would never be the same again and the very thought of that shakes me to my core. Trying to construct a coherent sentence, "And Good Evening!..to you too Prof. Hartwell and Yes!...you got that right," I approvingly replied, taking in Philip's appearance, he looks as good as he sounds and that's 'Irresistable!' More and more I understand why his female students deem him Professor H-O-T-W-E-L-L! he definitely deserves that title, that's for darn sho. And "How are you this fine night???" I ask, in close proximity too each other, he strokes the left side of my face, his touch makes me shiver even though the climate around us is humid as he responds, "Very well!" he winks and smiles that smile that tugs at my heart, "Especially now that you are here," I melt, I tell ya, this man has disabled most of my defenses, I don't think I have much stamina left too fight him off. And Damn! he's Fine!... and "How does one fit all those sinewy muscles in this classic black tuxedo, with a white shirt & skinny black tie, I can't take my eyes off him, Philip is filling out this suit, you know their are those curvaceous women who can fill out a dress, well;that's how Philip looks in a jacket, shirt & pants like it was custom made for that fine, sexy body of his & those curls in his hair, I just want to rub my hands thru them. "And you look rather scrumptious there yourself professor." "WHEW!...these high temps have me feeling abit toasty or that could be the menopause rearing it's ugly head again & with a sheen of perspiration I see glistening across Philip's face like a fine mist, he's probably feeling the warmness too, or is it just the heat that's radiating between us???" The cheeks on his features turned abit red after my statement, like he was embarrassed, but with that sly grin along with a chuckle, dipped his head right quick and raised it back up even quicker and then confidently looked at me and responded, "Why!...Thank You! Ms. Jenkinson," and then decided to turn the degree off him & turn the thermostat up on me, "And may I add, you look positively smashing", of course my heart fluttered & I smiled at that sentence, and then Philip continued, "You know, Pamela told me that when I see you tonite, that you would take my breath way, I tell you what, breathtaking isn't enough to describe you, you are extordinarily lovely Britt, but then again, you always are." Longingly starring into each other eyes, those freakin blue eyes, with that little patch of brown in the top corner of that left one, I absorbed hard and mustered up what power I have left to complete a sentence, "Well, I didn't do it, but it is good too have a make-up artist and hairstylist that I or You in this case, can just call at anytime you need them & they don't get any better than Jerrica & Pam." Enthusiastically amused, Philip agreed with me as he kissed my temple and UHH!..the sensations I feel when he kisses me, chills from the crown of my head, to the soles of my feet, I tell ya this man is gifted. He then turns me back around too get another look of the decorum of this courtyard, just taking it all in Philip asks, Well, "What do you think Bri???...Did I do good???" "What???...he ask me, Did he do good???"...DUH!...my world is doing a seismic shift all over the place, I literally & metaphorically feel the ground give way underneath me, that's how GOOD! he did. "It's beautiful!...everything is just so beautiful," my voice full of emotion, Philip is standing so close behind me that the tension is so palpable between us, every inch of me aches for him & I feel so guilty for that, "What has he done too me???" trying too refocus my thoughts, I turned back around too face him and ask, "How???...Who???...Did all of this???"...because I know goodin hell-well you didn't do this by yourself, abit of snark in my voice. "Well of course I didn't do this, I don't have the skill set to take on a project of such a grand scale as this," humility in those words when it comes out between those beautiful lips of his, he goes on, "Let's just say...I have my resources, you know, I gave them the vision and they executed perfectly what I wanted I might add," patting himself on the back in his attitude, you know, a touch of arrogance in his voice, which he's always displayed in his character in our moments together. I roll my eyes and respond, "Mmmmm!...K!..." like a 'whatever' attitude, he chuckles and says, "Okay!...Seriously!...I knew I wanted too do something special for you, to show you that I'm sincere in how I feel about you and I had some ideas, but I didn't know how it was going too be brought to fruition, but a little birdie or two, or three, or four came up with what I already had in mind & here it is, brought to completion, as you can see, that still so sure of himself personality." Then I cynically posed this question, "Did my gurls come up with all of this???" Philip's hesitation in answering told me everything I needed too know, "Mmm-Hmm!...just what I figured, but that's alright, that's okay, I deal with them on the next day. With a hint of trepidation in oneself, he then spilled all, "Y-e-e-e-e-e-s-s-s-s-s-s!...but only because they knew what you like and what turns you on," there's that phrase again, he asked me that on our first date, I darn near lost the ability to communicate the rest of that night. I reflected & I said to him, "what turns me on," Philip responded risquely, "Y-e-s!..What turns you on," & just like that, I faded away. Now I'm fighting a war within myself, too do the right thing, the pure thing like run, stay away & never see him again or jump his bones & beg him to take my virginity, make love to me, I'm screaming on the inside of me and again Philip lays it on thick like barbecue sauce he repeats, "What turns you on???" but the way he stated it this time was like a question, he went on, "what would be pleasing too you and that's what I want, too give you what you want, too please you, too satisfy your every whim & every fantasy, Please tell me that I have???" laced with double entendres he asked & me reeling with need, of course I was pleased and more than turned on beyond reason with all of this, but I wasn't going to let him no that. "Ummmm!...Did you not hear me earlier???...it's awe inspiring, all of it," a sense of elation in the sound of my voice, "And you're right, they do know what I like, they have always had my back even though they are the messiest women in Shreveport, but also, like I said, I will deal with them later," determination in that statement. Then he softly asked while shaking his head from side-to-side, "Now Bri, don't be hard on them, they mean well & they were only trying too help and since I asked them, they were quite vigor for the opportunity to assist me. They do love you and they only want the best for you and as you said, they indeed do have your back," Philip prolonged , "Actually, they saw this situation of us all working together, so that we had the chance to talk, or better yet;have an understanding, and let's just say, they wanted too let me know where all of them stood when it comes too me, too be clear, they threatened me!..my jaw dropped, "What???.." I replied, he concluded, "OH! YEAH...they told me if I'm not being genuine, that if I am just pretending to want too be with you, or as Jucinda unfilteredly put it, who was leading the charge, I think her exact words were, you can be a playa-playa from the Himalayas all you want too, but f%$k Bri over & see what happens. She, Sasha, Pamela, Jerrica, Ashlea, Corrine & Lola will make me regret it for sure," with humor in his voice. He went on, "Juci said that they would come for me and that she would make it her personal mission to make my life a living hell," "NO!.."I spoke with my hand over my opened mouth again, "OH!..it gets better," Philip's voice is animated the whole time, "She preceded too tell me that since she works for the city, that she would have all my utilities terminated," "N-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!..." again, but this time, I yelled with intensity, animated myself now, "A-n-d, that she knew a couple of brothas from around the way, which he had this combination of a question & confuse look on his face because Philip didn't know what 'around the way' means, that just got out the pen & they wouldn't mind going back and would gladly beat my arse for $500 dollars, he finished up with a incongruous nature in his tone and appearance. "H-A-H-A-H-A-H-A-H-A-H-A-H-A!.."I'm just laughing my butt off, doubled over, just couldn't contain myself, it was so funny. "Well I'm glad that you find me being possibly assaulted so hilarious, Philip chuckles satisfyingly in his response." I start to regain my composure, I straighten up and state that, with me wiping tears from my eyes from laughing so hard, "I'm Sorry!..this is just too much and I'm also Sorry!..for my gurls and you must forgive Juce, she's hood and we have a saying in our culture, 'you can take the gurh out of the hood, but not the hood out of the gurh.' She will literally cut anybody whom she deems is a threat too the people she cares about, me especially, so don't hold that against her," Philip suddenly interrupted me & grabbed my left hand with his much larger warm right palm then responded, "Bri!..you don't have too explain Jucinda or any of your friends too me, I'm really quite fond of them, I understand & get what it is that they want for you, cause I want the same thing, and that is for you too have everything that you want, need, desire," Philip squeezed that hand when he replied. And with a tinge of hope & promise in his voice and whatever promise he is making is what scares me, he moved in close and went for it, Philip kissed me and I willingly let him. His lips embracing mine, I know this seems like the first time we've locked lips, but we kissed like 20 times now & each time the kisses have been mind-blowing. But this kiss right now is very gentle, but yet still passionate, but that's not enough for me, I want more, so unexpectedly, I surrender and gave myself totally over too this feeling and kissed him back more fervently and he matched me with a fury of his own. And just like times before, we reverberated to this place, to this familiar emotional realm of desire, ecstasy.....LUST!...& that's where the problem lies. Again, I shouldn't be doing this, I suppose to run from anything that could potentially lead to sexual sin, this is what the Bible warns against, but instead of running from, I'm running to & that's a dangerous path too be on. So even though I know this is wrong, I can't help but want this fine ass man here, he's my ultimate dream & fantasy, except he is a British white man who don't know the Lord & as much as this could end in disaster, I'm pushing the gas and forging full-speed ahead, I mean,"What if the possibility of something spectacular could come out of this??? I mean, it could happen," "OH!..Who the heck am I kidding???" practically every relationship that I've had has blown up in my face, they start off perfect, but as always, 'the proverbial shoe' drops and crushes me & my heart is left worn & tattered. So it doesn't matter how much apart of me wants to strip him down til he is buck-naked/naked-buck, climb on top of him and ride him til I push us both over the edge to pure sheer bliss, I have too be the Godly woman I profess too be, like that gospel song says, 'Imma stay saved', I'm choosing to honor Jesus with not just talking the talk, but walking the walk as well and that means living holy & undefiled before my Lord & Savior, that's why I have to deny myself & stop this before this small campfire turns into a raging inferno. So, in a instant, I pull away from Philip and with bated breath, I hold a finger up from my right hand and barely speak, "OooooHhhhh!...UH-UH!..we have too stop, we must stop this, panting," Philip also panting, merely able too talk replies, "Okay!..I'm Sorry!..if I made you feel uncomfortable, I vowed tonite that I wouldn't do that too you, cause I don't want to scare you off. I would just take the que from you, if you were to permit it, if I lead, maybe you would follow and you seem too go along with the kiss, I mean, you seem too really like what I was doing and the more.....I mean, the way you kissed me back, I thought," "I know, I know what you thought," I quickly took the conversation back over, "I'm Sorry!..for kissing you like that & giving you the impression that-that kiss would lead to more, it can't, I won't lose control, we can't lose control, "You understand Philip???" "I Understand!" with apprehension I could tell in his vocal speech, like his mind understood, but his anatomy needed time to catch up & so did mine, he answers and with that he clears his throat and says, "So, let's lighten up the mood," earnestly Philip stated, I answer back, "I second that emotion!" So while more jazz music encompasses us, I walked around the area, still in admiration by the ambience that is this patio/courtyard & gazebo, I question, "What is this place???" I don't recognize anything about this location, the house, which looks like something from my ancestors time, "How did you find this place???...Did you find it or Did someone who knew of it suggested it too you???" I've been in Shreveport all my life and I never knew this place existed, it just seems like another world, that's all. Philip bitingly replied, "Well, it's called the Elm's Mansion and speaking of 'Elms!' that is your street address, I remember," I nodded my head and stated, "Yes! you are right, that's my address," he smiled that smile, with pleasure displayed on his face, like I gifted him a prize for retaining a memory in that beautiful mind of his. It's a place where they have weddings and other events, it's quite nice actually and not just the property, but on the inside of the mansion as well," interestingly, Lola recommended this venue, she & her soon too be husband Omar, "Is it???..." Well, they both were looking for a location for their upcoming nuptials and while he was talking, I recalled in my mind a conversation that she & I had about them finding somewhere that would fit their budget and they finally found it. Then I interrupted & said, "Now that you mention it, Lola did tell me about this place and that she liked it alot, but that the price was to steep for her taste," "She's right about that," Philip responded in concurrence, "the cost to rent this left abit of a dent in my bank account, but, the look on your face and your response, you seem too be pleased with what I am trying to achieve here so-so far, it was worth every penny." Alarmed, I questioned him, "Worth every penny???...Philip, "Just how much did you spend on all of this??? I didn't ask for this, you didn't have to go this far, I told you that my b-day is not that serious," my vocal pattern in panic mode I said. "Well of course your b-day is serious!..don't be silly Britt, it's very serious," he stated sternly but tenderly at the same time, "You are so very special, Don't you know that???" And you deserve too be treated as such, looking directly in my eyes, he was so close to my face, that I could feel his breath on my skin, he continued, "You need to know how much you mean too your family, your friends, your co-workers at the university, but especially, too me, and besides, once I paid the amount, the decoration costs were pretty moderate, so don't worry," trying to assure me. Well, I still didn't like it and seeing that uncertainty on my outward appearance, he then said, "Okay!.. if you are still worried, I'll have you know that.....after this monetary value, I am still pretty financially well off, "Does that now put your mind at ease???" but I thought you said that you renting this place put a dent in your bank account, Philip retracted that statement, "I know what I said, but I should have clarified, I meant too say a 'small dent' in my account." And in his tone & on his face, needing me to have faith & believe in what he was saying. And looking for calmness on mine, after a few minutes I responded, "Yeah!..that makes me feel somewhat better," "Somewhat???...really Britt, Are you serious right now???" the nature of his voice, like he was reprimanding me for doubting him, "You know, you're breaking your promise too me, I asked you to trust me and here I thought you did because you said so, I'm hurt! Bri, I really am," I told you I got you, you can trust me, "So why won't you???...Hmm!...Why do you continually think the worst of me???" Ugh!.. I hate this, Lord Jesus! now this is the last thing I wanted too do & Lord you know that I know what it's like too have somebody make a promise and then turn around & break it, it hurts you to your very soul. So seeing & feeling how he was crushed in me not taking him at his word that he would take care of me & that tonite would be amazing, I repromise, if that's a word & I tell him, unequivocally, "I'm Sorry!..I trust you Philip, with everything, from this moment on until the night is over, I trust you, in every way, Okay???" Philip looks at me, relief flooding his features, he pressed his frontal against my frontal, takes both my hands, caresses them & his touch drives me wild, he says, "K!...& Thank You!.." Trying too have a train of thought from this smokin hawt speciman touching me, I reply back, "You're Welcome!...Professor Hotwell," followed by my giggles. He returned amusingly, "Now I know you didn't just call me that???" I have many times corrected my female students on referring too me as that, it's not appropriate, I don't care for it." "Well, I'm not one of your students Professor and since I have too put up with your endless advances towards me and I know you are not a measly individual that can't take a compliment and plus, that title fits you to a T." Philip letting his head fall slightly, he raises it back up again and then replies, "Well, since it's you, then I will let you get away it, atleast this once, I'll let that be another present from me too you, since it is your birthday and Valentine's Day." In a playful gesture & tone I say, "Why Thank You!..Mr. H-O-T-W-E-L-L!..me trying to push his buttons, "Alright!..Bri, that's enough of that, no more Hotwell, Got It???" that british intonation as he is uncompromising in his warning, as he sinced moved his hands from my hands and now got his arms wrapped around my waist. Halfway comfortable and halfway not comfortable because I shouldn't be letting him put his hands on me, I should tell him to ease up abit because his body being all up against mine has got me thinking & feeling things that can't keep happening, but against my better judgement, I continue to go along with the flow, "Yes!..Professor Hotwell," ke-keeing all the way, "Britt, I mean it, enough now," Philip is reved up quite abit, even though I want too keep poking the bear at him because it's fun & because I can, he seems to not be having it at all, especially on this subject, so I finally give in, "K!..no m-o-o-o-r-r-r-e-e-e-e, I promise, "But promise me this???.....PLEASE!...promise, that the only monetary value that was worth every penny on me for this place, is just that, only this place, no more...nowhere else!!!" There was silence and a weird expression on his face, like he did something he had no business doing, "Philip???...I asked you a question, you spent only expenses on the Elm's Mansion and nowhere else, Right???" The look got even weirder, like a child getting caught sticking his hand in the cookie jar for the tenth time because he has eaten too many that he's gotten away with, either he is planning on lavishing his finances on more b-day/v-day surprises tonite or he has done it, so yet again, he has gone against my wishes and out of my mouth, a sigh, "Damn!..Why he is doing this too me??? I'm emotionally exhausted "Let's not talk about this subject anymore, shall we???..and you did promise to trust me, I'm holding you to that & like he never heard my question, he grins with that roguish look on that perfectly, chiseled gorgeous face of his. So I left it alone, for now, I don't want too add even more of the wrong kind of tension connecting us that too me seems to suffocate the extremely close space, "Now.....too get this celebration started, he replied. Philip walked across the courtyard with confidence, authority and shucky-ducky-quack-quack, just plain ole sex-appeal, he retrieved two long stem red roses, walked back towards me, "Happy Valentine's Day! Britt," he then took the one red rose and stroked the left-side of my face with it. Lower to my jawline, "God!..you are so beautiful, he spoke so seductively," and down my left arm to it reached my left-hand and then said with the same volume, And Happy Birthday!" as he repeated the same thing on the right-side of me until I received the other red rose in my right-hand & tenderly kissed me on my cheek, my heart skipped a beat, in fact, it skipped quite a few beats. "UGH!..Why is this man so SEXAY???.."speaking & praying too God in my head, "OH-MY-GOD!..LORD JESUS!..P-L-E-A-S-E!..forgive me for what I feel, I want him, I've been wanting him for weeks now, I can't help how I feel, I'm trying, but failing miserably. And I know that I could end all of this if I would just be obedient and walk/run away, but I don't want too. What can be said???...the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak and for that I am so sorry Jesus, but it's been so long since I've had a man who looks like, well;I've never had a man like this one here who pursues & woos me in the matter that he does, he seems to genuinely want me and we both know that this man can have any woman he wants, but he chooses my average black boring self & the way he looks at me, speaks with that voice & the sweet, tantalizing things that he says to me, I get lost, may I dare utter the words, I think I'm falling. I still plan on not sleeping with him, I don't care what he does and I know you probably thinking that I must gonna call myself relying on my own strength and will to not yield to temptation, I would be a fool to begin to think that I could do that, my strength lies in You Father God, as Your word says in 2 Corinthians 12: "Your grace is all I need, that your strength is made perfect in my weakness." So I'm leaning and depending on You to face all the slings, arrows & fiery darts of enticements that I've so far overcomed and will continue to overcome tonite, I love You Jesus and You've brought me too far and kept me from dangers seen & unseen & protected me from romantic relationships that only scarred me, not break me & blocked potential romantic relationships that would have destroyed me or even worse, killed me & I Thank You!..for putting Your hands on me & never taking them off, so I know if I choose too, I could definitely mess up tonite. But that's why I'm so thankful I have You and I know that You will bring me back from the brink if I'm too close to the cliff or actually go over it, but I know that You won't allow it, Your voice, the Holy Ghost will let me know, "Okay!..that's enough, stop this, leave, go now and don't be alone with this man again, ever." I will do that, if You give me the strength which I believe You will, I'll walk away and not look back, but right now, I can't, I have too see this thru. I promised Philip, I told him that I trust him & I can't go back on my promise. And so far, he hasn't done or said anything that will make me go OOPS!..upside his head, despite his naughty ways and attempts too get me in his bed, deep down, I trust that he is a good man, he's just an unbeliever who doesn't know You, atleast;the way I do, but he really seems sincere in his feelings for me and I want too give him a chance to show me what he's really all about and if he really cares about me and wants to know me, the real me, not just the woman I am when I occasionally sing R&B music, but the true woman/daughter of God I am, who You truly made me too be. So be with me Jesus and help me Holy Ghost, Imma need Your power tonite more than ever, In Your Holy Name I Ask And Pray This, AMEN!!!" Once I'm done having a talk with Jesus, I feel alot better.....stronger and I'm resolute in not giving in and getting tangled up in sexual sin with Philip, I have too stand my ground and let him know, AGAIN!..that I'm not giving him any, no matter what. So, when I remind myself to breathe, "Thank You!..for the greetings and the roses, there beautiful," with a half-smile on my feature, he then smiles and replies, "You're Welcome!..& then he whispers in my left ear, "You smell intoxicating!.."that voice makes me quiver inside, but I quickly regain my composure and reply, "Thank You Again!..you smell pretty fantastic too," and he really did, but then he always does, I don't know what kind of cologne he wears but HAVEMERCY!...he wears it well. As that mischievous grin forms again on that face, along with a chuckle, he gently pulls me into his swole arms restricted by fabric and effortlessly we move to the center of the patio, directly infront of the gazebo and start to slow dance. And I guess it's going too be a jazzy kind of night for music, since that's his genre, me.....not so much, but I'll get use too it if only for a night, although, my finely tuned left ear swore that I heard a jazz cover of Marvin Gaye's, 'Sexual Healing'. Now I don't know where the music is coming from, the sound system is booming, but Philip should have known better than too not play a sexually charged R&B/SOUL classic as that one, but I'll let it slide because again, I don't want to interrupt the flow of the moment, but I'm going too tell him about himself later. The song that we are dancing off now sounds like another jazz cover, this time Stevie Wonder's, 'You Are The Sunshine Of My Life' and it's a pretty good version, it's a woman singing the lead vocals on it, I don't recognize her voice, but she has a great voice nevertheless. And even though apart of me really loves being held like this in Philip's arms, the other part of me is s-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o uneasy, after the talk with my King, I must stay vigilant & sober-minded, I must not let my emotions.....more like my hormones get away from me and that's another battle I have to deal with in regards to me going thru 'the change'. But I can't let that be an excuse, I must fight this battle within myself, whenever I'm tempted, I must tell myself too think of what would happen if you get all up in your feelings and say, "OH!..TO HELL WITH EVERYTHING...JUST SEX HIM ALREADY." I will regret it, it may feel spectacular at that time, but I would feel the consequences of it if I take that action. So I can't do that, just stay focused, you will get thru this, I must not blow this up, I know better and so I have too do better, be better than my past, "Am I holding you too tight???" is what Philip asked me with a pure essence in his sound, I guess I should tell him 'YES!' & to back the hell up because of his sorta death grip, I'm kinda strained right about now. Once that song ended, the next song came on and "NO!..IT'S NOT.....'Make Me A Believer'" by the soul male crooner legend himself, Luther Vandross,"