𝐆𝐑𝐎𝐓𝐄𝐒𝐐𝐔𝐄 𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐃𝐒 𝐅𝐑𝐎𝐌 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐑𝐓, poetry and prose.

Ramblings of a mad man.

Ramblings of a mad man.

Am I going insane? I feel my body morph through its nerves, my skin peel and unravel into its current state all whilst I stare at it in disbelief. Is my body mine? I know my soul is, but how come my body has changed so much in what feels like minutes- I can remember how it felt to look like that but now I cannot remember what it feels like to look like this. I stare at my body, scared if when I look away they will disappear into their new shape. I stare at my stomach in the mirror, and fondle the skin- feeling as though it stretches and holds firm all at different timings. As if my body is liquid, it shapeshifts into my hands and looks the way I wanted. I stare at my hands, and wonder back to the comments just a month ago about how chubby they were- but now they are thin, and boney... and they are not my hands. The skin isn't as pale as I remember, and the blood vessels are warmer than they were before. I track my skin, and find blemishes have stopped forming. Am I A woman? Or am I mad? Am I the only person in the world who noticed these changes? The change that my body now feels like a skeleton, instead of the skin it used to feel. The change that my face has lost fat, and my collarbones have now begun to protrude. It plays with these parts of me, not because I like the change- but rather because the change is scary. I look how I wanted to be when I was younger, tall and boney- but now I have grown to love the girl she was, and cannot accept the madness I am now. Am I even how I wanted to be? Or is it because I am losing weight that I feel better in myself? Sure, I do sigh with relief when I find all my clothes fit me loosely and I walk around a lot easier. But, I miss when I used to encourage myself to look how I did. I fought for the enjoyment of it, and now I feel as if I do not deserve this. I do not deserve my beauty, I do not deserve my womanhood. I am a mad man.