Falling Forbidden (Unfinished)

21 Don't Be Sorry At All

Selena

When I'm alone, I dance a lot in my living room. Instead of sharing my thoughts and feelings with someone, I pour them out to my favorite songs.

I spin. I twirl. Too much. Too fast. Until my lungs burn and the walls can't stop spinning.

It's such a nice stress relief.

I haven't had any stress relief for a month.

This weekend in Mexico was too much. What am I going to do about my dad? What about the pizza guy? Adam no longer works for me, but he's still coming back to my apartment. What?

I need a twenty-four hour nap to reboot. The burnout has made me nonverbal. It's like my tongue has lost the ability to form sentences.

LA is gloomy when we land. It's 6PM. I'm so thankful Adam is old-school and chivalrous. He carries all my luggage. He even orders an Uber ride to pick us up. I just mindlessly follow with an oversized, cozy hoodie over my head.

So when we step outside the airport and find my dad and Julie waiting for me, I'm dumbstruck.

"You go to Mexico to plan your wedding, but instead you cancel it?" His eyebrows are so bunched up together, it might as well be a unibrow. "How could you do that?"

"He's ten years older than you." Julie scrunches in pain. Oh, she hates this. She always tries to have a good relationship with me.

Ugh. Do I have to answer?

"You can tell she's tired right now, can't you? She'll talk to you later." Adam rolls his eyes at them, placing his palm on my low back.

"How can you date someone like him?" Dad bends over to glare as I slump into the backseat of a black Lexus. "What's going on with you? What happened to marrying Marc?"

I feel bad. It was my idea to marry him. A naive promise I made when his mom was sick and his dad was caught for fraud. Julie asked if I even love him. I said no. I didn't want to hope that love was an option for me. Pretending to be normal takes up so much mental energy. Sharing such a life with someone and being loved despite of it seemed like a recipe for heartbreak.

Now, I keep wondering why. Why didn't they tell me that I deserve more?

I give a small smile to Adam as he slides in next to me and takes up all the space. He sighs and gets comfortable like my dad's not even here.

"You're going to regret this." Dad shakes his finger at my face. "Mark my words. You don't understand now, but one day you'll remember what you told me and regret what you did."

"He's right, Selena." Julie frowns. Wow. Et tu Brute? She averts her gaze on Adam. "Please, Adam. I know she might seem strong to you, but she's very sensitive. I don't think you know—"

"That she's autistic? I know."

My heart thumps.

He knows?

I never told him. I mean, I always leave hints. But no one ever guesses correctly. If I dare to open up and tell someone, I'm usually gutted with misinformed, hurtful, and ignorant reactions.

But you're a woman.
But you're making eye-contact.
But you're socializing.

Dad turns deep red. "No. That doesn't matter. All of us are a little autistic, it's—"

"Are you a little pregnant?" Adam asks.

I snort, clearing my throat to cover it up.

"What kind of a stupid question is that?" Dad snaps.