bravertz - oneshots

III.

"it was dark and i was over, until you kissed my lips and you saved me."

TW: mentioning of suc!dal thoughts / depression / drug addiction
if these topics could trigger you, please don't or think twice before you read.
if you need help, try to reach out.
you're worthy of a good life.

It was hard. Living your dream was fucking hard. 

During your life you make everything possible to archive your dream. However, the problem is that in the exact second your dream becomes reality, it's reality. And everyone knows that the reality, is never as good as the dream was.

Julian would've never thought that his passion for football would change. But over the last year, it happened. He was not living his dream anymore.

It was not going well for him at the moment. It seemed like he could do anything possible, but nothing worked. It was frustrating, so with every week his motivation fell further down.

It was not a surprise that with his bad performances the negative voices around him became louder and clearer. Not only from the fans, but also in his own head. He really tried to, at least ignore the opinions of the fans, but it's not as easy as someone would probably think.

He was not feeling well. No, to be more clear; he was miserable. He needed something that would let his thoughts and doubts disappear, just for a while.

Maybe this was not the gentle way but when drinking couldn't stop his thoughts he needed to grab something harder.

At first, he only grabbed them before games. They were working.The pills were working. He was getting better. Without thinking everything felt so fucking easy again. He just sensed the ball at his feet and nothing else mattered.

Everyone thinks they would never get addicted, until they are. No one is safe, not even pro-footballers which get a thousands of health courses to prevent damage to their bodies.But when you become addicted, you don't care. You get addicted over the feeling of no thoughts and doubts in your head, over hearing nothing negative from yourself or others around you.

Of course he knew that he couldn't do this on a daily basis but when no one knows, how would they find out?

Julian had the number of a drugdealer from one of his teammates. It was not unusual. The common lie of pro athletes not drinking or smoking. They're normal people, why shouldn't they do normal things. So originally, he had to call him for a party they did over a year ago. His teammate said that he could be trusted and he was right. Now he got a number he could use without someone getting suspicious.

Therefore, MisterHavy was the person Julian saw now every week, before every game. It was working. He got better on the pitch. Someone would say but worse in his addiction, but not Julian.

There will always come a time where the addicted wants more than before. Where they can't stand the normal amount they were getting before because they now crave freedom all the time. 

So this week was his. Julian decided that he needed more. He had a bad game yesterday and now he won't let himself think for even a second.

On Monday they met and Julian got what he asked for. Everything was fine, even though he could see in MisterHavy's face he was wondering why they would see each other on a Monday.

On Tuesday it was the same.

On Wednesday there were some difficulties. There was only half of what Julian needed available. He was ready to pay double, but there was nothing his source could do. So he had to deal with what he got.