I've never been a stranger to grief. In fact, it was one of the only emotions that I knew best. When my dad died it became the only emotion I grew close to. It's one of those things that controls me for a while and then suddenly it's gone. I tend to usually skip a few of the grieving steps and only stick with anger and sadness, every other emotion just fades away.
When I was a kid, I had this doll that I would carry everywhere with me. My father gifted her to me after our mom left. I named her eve. My father taught me that the name eve meant full of life. And although eve couldn't talk, she made me feel like I was full of life. She brought me joy when I was sad, peace when I needed healing, and life. She made me see the beauty in everything even at such a young age.
Growing up John B and I loved to go fishing. We would spend hours outside, casting our rods out into the marsh and catching the smaller fish as bait. I always brought eve with me on any adventure.
I remember the exact day I lost Eve. It was cloudy like any rainy day in the Outer Banks and a storm was rolling in. John B and I were out by the marsh fishing and catching minos just as we usually did. I remember placing Eve on the dock while we fished. She ended up falling into the marsh with the current and I never saw her again.
I felt like a piece of me washed away with her. I had never known what loss was until Eve left me. The life inside of me was gone. Eve healed a piece of my heart that was broken when my mom left. I felt like that precious life was ripped away from me in just a matter of seconds.
I never imagined that I would have to go through that ever again.
We've been living in Guadeloupe in the Caribbean for quite some time now. I think the only time I ever leave the room is to get food when I feel like eating or to get water from the kitchen.
When I shut down like this, I don't talk, I don't even feel emotions. I'm just completely numb. It's like my brain shuts everything and anyone off.
I heard the door open as I laid in bed facing the window where I could see the view of the ocean.
"Are you ever gonna get out of bed?" I heard his voice get closer. I didn't say a word. "Do you hear me? Hello? Josephine."
I rolled over glaring at him. I hated my full name. "No." I grabbed the sheets and rolled back over facing the window.
"There's people coming over to check out the cross. Can you please get out of bed to join us?" He asked.
I stayed laying on my side while I felt the tear roll down my cheek. I wasn't even sad, my body was just exhausted. "Is the gold the only thing you care about?"
He laughed. "Are you crazy?"
I swallowed hard and pushed the lump that started forming in my throat down. "I can't believe you'd even dare asking me that. You're the one who has killed to get to where we are yet I'm crazy?"
The angry footsteps came quickly to the side of the bed I laid on. His hand grabbed my arm tightly forcing my face to be close to his as he leaned over me.
Finally I felt something. Rage.
I smacked him across his face with the arm he was holding. "Don't you dare ever put your hands on me!" I stood up from the bed and pushed his chest again and again.
"Josie!" He yelled but I ignored him. I continued hitting his chest and any other piece of his body that I could reach. I lost control of myself. "Jo!" He yelled. His arms were wrapped tightly around my body.
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
"He's gone." I cried falling to the ground with him holding me. "Our son is gone." I bawled on the hardwood floor.
"I know...I know baby." He cooed as he held me.
"He's gone Rafe." I looked at him seeing his eyes become teary. "I'm so sorry. It's all my fault."
His hands grabbed my face softly. "It's not your fault. Okay? It's gonna be okay. I love you Jo."
And suddenly I felt that life that I had growing inside of me was gone. The baby boy that I was naming after the one person who has looked after me my entire life, was gone.
"I uh..I have business to take care of but when I come back I promise things will be better for us." Rafe smiled as he held my face in his palms.
I rolled my eyes. I knew that meant he was doing something with the cross. "Whatever. I don't care about that stupid cross anymore. I don't care about any of it. So go." I stood up and got back in bed.
Rafe stood up and grabbed a small duffle bag from the closet. "Don't say I never gave you anything alright? Because I gave you everything."
Becoming a kook was never something I would have ever imagined doing. I was raised on the side of the island that nobody dares going near, the side of the island that doesn't have much to offer but was beautiful in the right person's perspective.
Maybe that's why Rafe and I found each other, because he saw me as someone who didn't have much to offer but knew what she wanted in life. I miss that girl. Since I've become a kook, it's not what I dreamed of. It's a life full of pretending to be perfect and seeing who can make the most money. It's fancy watches, fast cars, big houses, and kook parties with the worst alcohol.
