Dance 4 You

Ave Maria

I've been alone
When I'm surrounded by friends
How could the silence be so loud?
But I still go home
Knowing that I've got you
There's only us when the lights go down

I have depression. I'm not sure If I truly do but I'm seeing a therapist, I haven't said one thing since that phone call with Bryson 3 days ago.

"Hi, I'm Dr. Kerrie." She stuck her hand out. "Wat up doe, This my brother Rodrick and I'm Bryson, he shook her hand out.

She directed herself towards me. "What happened to you that made you come here?" She asked me, I opened my mouth to talk but nothing came out. "He won't talk lately, but He is a victim of police brutality."

Bryson is working on suing the police department, Derek suggested a go fund me and to post about it, and share it to news channels. "Mhm, how had he been acting since then?"

"Well, It's been like 3 days so all that's happened is he won't talk, barely eats, I notice he pulls his hair when he tries to talk but can't..." He paused, moving my hands from my hair. "and he stays in bed and cries all day."

"Ok, off of that I can tell you he's probably depressed, traumatized, and going mute. Has he been through any other traumatizing things?" She asked Bryson.

"Since he was 3 our mom's boyfriend would beat him, until this year. Oh and he saw our grandpa die, he was hit by a car while they were biking. He has also been shot, about a month ago."Bryson explained." The therapist's eyes went wide.

"I'm so sorry, poor baby been through so much." She rubbed my knee.

"Ok, so I can get him anti-depressants for his muteness and depression." She suggested. "Would that conflict with his other medicine? He's on allergy medicine, painkillers, asthma medicine, and acne medicine already."

"It won't, I recommend these so they don't conflict." She hands him a piece of paper with the name of a drug on it.

After an hour we left, Bryson stopped at the pharmacy to get the medicine and then we went home.

I took the antidepressant and nothing happened. I felt normal at first. Soon it kicked in when I was trying to take a nap, my bad habit is looking up the side effects of medicines after I take them.

I should feel nauseous, not like myself, and have a hard time sleeping. My head started spinning and I felt sick, I didn't know what to do, I started laughing, I don't know why. The laugh turned into a cry after five minutes. I laid on the floor crying. I grabbed my phone and researched the drug I took, "Seizures" I mentally read aloud.

I looked around my room, still crying. I got in my bed and laid there, staring at the ceiling and crying. I got up and walked to Bryson's room, still crying. Before I got to his room I turned around, wiped my eyes, and stopped thinking bout the side effects. I stopped crying and everything went normal, placebos are fucking real!

After a week of The anti-depressants, I feel like a different person, I started detaching myself from things I used to love, and I can't sit still. When I laugh it still turns to cry. I also haven't experienced any seizures so that's great.

One thing is that I can't stop myself from thinking horrible things. I keep thinking of ways to kill myself. I feel like everyone would be happier if I killed myself. I also feel like It was my fault, I should have warned my grandpa, I should have fought Deandre back, I shouldn't have been nosey, and I shouldn't have kept telling the officer it was my house, I shouldn't have moved, I should've stayed still, he wouldn't have tased me.

My thoughts also go on and on and on, It's like a trail of thoughts and I can't stop myself from thinking about them.

"you ready for school?" Bryson asked through my door. I opened the door and walked out. I don't even try to talk anymore because I know it won't come out.

We pulled up to the school and we went our separate ways, I hadn't been to school since that day, and Bryson said I need a week off. I also haven't seen Chris, so he doesn't know what happened.

I sat down next to him and started working on my Project, It's due this Friday. I'm almost done I just need to color it and maybe do the background. "Hey, lil man." Chris dapped me up, I waved at him.

"Why you ain't talking? You mad at me or something." I shook my head as I colored my hair in the self-portrait. "Ok." he sighed and went back to his work.

After class, we walked into the hallway and he stopped in front of me. "Can you just tell me why you're mad!?" He asked a little loudly, causing a few stares. I tried to talk but as usual, nothing came out except tears. Now even more people are staring, great!

I pushed past him and walked to my next class, I sat down on the bleachers and pulled out my phone, I texted Chris telling him what happened, and that I'm not mad at him.

He left me on delivered. "Why is you crying now?" I looked up and Bryson was standing in front of me. I wiped my eyes and shook my head.

After class ended Chris texted me, and all he said was ok.  I looked around the hallways at everyone in their groups, even Bryson in his group. I don't have a group, I feel alone. I sat down in my next class, Ela, ready for this day to be over.

The next week we went to the doctor to see why my antidepressants aren't working as well. "Seems like he's going to be mute for a long while, so you just got to learn to live with that." The doctor said. I don't want to be mute, I want to talk, I hate it.

Chris apologized for how he was acting and bought me a promise ring, so yay!

"Sorry bubba, I hate you gotta deal with this." Bryson hugged me. I cried into his shoulder from what the doctor said.

Chris took us out to eat because he also felt bad, he gave me a huge hug and a major kiss.

I love Them both.