Happy Valentine's Day!

Chapter 1: My temple, my mural, my sky

my dearest gerald,

i loved the way you looked at me as if i'm six feet beneath you. i felt like you hated every inch of my existence—which is not, in any way, an error. i loved how you looked at me like you were judging my soul. like, you think my existence and my problems are contemptible. dear, believe me when i say i'm too into you. you exceed my idea of greatness and your face is my idea of heaven. your god-like features and angelic hair. tell me, did it hurt when you fell from heaven? i'm an atheist but you made me believe in god because humans are imperfect, no one other than a god can make you. i love how your eyes turn into a sunset of their own when they meet those golden rays. you have the beauty a man can only ask for. and though you have your flaws, girls would scream once your enter the room. oh! when will i ever get a chance to be near to you? i wanna tell you about the things i love but can i even talk to you? i can only dream of standing beside you so the chances of you talking to me is lower than the temperature in antarctica.

dear, believe me when i say that i've come to terms with the cruel and insurmountable fact that i will never be yours and you shall never be mine. and i've accepted this as a fact. i created no what-ifs and believed none of my delusions. but, my lord, i apologize for flaws are inevitable. i am a liar and a hypocrite. i misread all of your actions. i thought standing with me in silence
by the green rusting rails was your way of telling me, "i noticed you." i thought the way you looked at me was something so beautiful but maybe it was because you hated my presence. and my biggest flaw was not being able to separate reality from ecstasy. after all, i am but a fool daydreamer who've always dreamt of trivial things. i created scenarios in my head where we are the main characters. but my depression and anxiety broke my character all the time.

i made this as i saw you walked from a distance. i realized you were too great for me. i wrote this while i listened to cardigan. while my heartbeat's in the high line.

your greatness exceeds my idea of it that i wonder how much effort it would take to finally forget you.

but even after that, i'd still dream about you being the heart to my body. allow me to make you a mural that's befitting for a god like you. i'd allow you to watch how careful i am with every stroke and to punish me for my wrongdoings. allow me to worship you. to create a temple where i would get on my knees and pray to you. i'll make you my god, allow me to be your one and only follower. your lips would be my religion and you would be my altar. i'd offer you my heart and soul each night. i'd give you my love and my peace of mind as long as you make me your centerfold. allow me to make you my sky because you're the only thing i wanna look up to.

forever yours,
fitzgerald atwood montgomery