Jeongins POV:
Lately we have been getting loads of hate. I am 100% sure that all of my hyungs have noticed. Han hyung, as we all know has social anxiety and sometimes struggles with mental health (I'm not sure on this) and I guess seeing a swamp of hate on all of us really triggered him because lately he has been extremely upset and doesn't leave his room unless it's to eat or schedules but even then, sometimes he skips meals and we've all been worried for him.
Quietly, I slowly tiptoed down the hall, cringing whenever I heard the wood creak. I have to admit that I'm supposed to be giving him space but the thought of my hyung suffering alone makes me shiver. I've been getting the least amount of hate but even then I feel worthless whenever I read those comments so I can't imagine what he's going through. Carrying on with my journey, a continued to tiptoe until I finally reached his door. I contemplated knocking but finally decided to just walk in, I mean what's the worst that could happen.
I slowly cracked open the squeeky door and peered inside, the lights were left closed that would have left the room pitch black. However, the small amount of midnight light illuminated the room just a tiny bit making me somewhat able to see inside. Abandoned is the correct word to use In order to describe the room because that's the vibe I'm getting from this atmosphere. My eyes lazily scanned across the dimly lit room and landed on a long lump under the covers on the bed ; I stepped closer and sat down on the bed making my hyung stirr in his sleep. I silently hissed when I saw him move, slightly regretting my desison to come visit him. What was I thinking??? It's midnight of course he would be fast asleep!!! I Carried on degrading myself when suddently hannie hyung sharply turned around and snarled at me. I flinched at the sudden loud sound and quickly bowed an apology. "I'm sorry hyung, I just wanted to see what you've been doing I'm worried about you" I quietly said lacing my voice with pure worry. "It's none of your business!" he whisper-yelled in a harsh tone. ""s-sorry" I quietly muttered "oh my god your so fucking annoying!"he exclaimed. I froze did he really mean that? Surely not he's just upset right??" "look at you, you fat prick how could anyone love you with that stupid brain of yours, I mean who the hell Wakes up a SLEEPING person!? " he spat. My eyes widened as I stood there in shock. "what?" I replied tears welling in my eyes. "Omg! Just take a fucking hint and FUCK off!" tears streamed down my face and I let out a chocked sob before stumbling out the dark room.
I have been known as a 'strong ' maknae which sometimes is true but what most people don't know is that I'm actually really sensitive. What han said really hurt me, I know he didn't mean it and he's just been struggling but I can't help but feel upset by the tone he used on me. Stop being spoiled, brat! the harsh voice in my head spoke. Honestly, I've always had this voice in my head it's told me to do destructive things which have hurt me in the past and also the cause of many scar that littered my chest.
I've been clean for 2 years now and no members know anything about this, I've been too scared they'll think I'm crazy if i tell them...
Slowly, I crept through the pitch black hall back to my room, the time had gone 2:23AM and I had to be up at 7 so I quickly scurried to my room. Running, I tripped over a skateboard that had been left behind yesterday making me hiss in pain.
"Crappppp" I groaned , shuddering from the emence amount of pain. Suddently, I heard shuffling coming from inside changbin hyungs room and sprinted off to my bedroom making me dizzy. I creeked open my door and crept through locking it behind me before slowly crouching down and clutching my head. My world seemed to swim around me making me unable to move in fear of falling and injuring myself further. I waited till the spinning seemed to calm down which felt the years before crawling carefully into my bed. Shuffling softly, I couldnt seem to fall asleep, my previous exhaustion evaporating into thin air, I kept rolling over in hopes to find a comfortable spot but nothing comes. Finally, I decided to just pop onto my phone for a bit, so that's what I did. I slowly grabbed my phone lowering the brightness before noticing the endless twitter notifications, I curiously clicked on one and was brought to my twitter page. My face dropped when I saw all the hate, I knew there was more than usual but this was roughly 4 times more then all the members combined on just me! What happened? I legit had the least amount of hate, how did it sky rocket in such a short amount of time!??? I felt my breathing quicken when I saw the countless amount of comments about my body and how fat I looked. Sure, I have gained more weight my stylist pointed it out a few days ago but my members said there happy I'm at a healthier weight... I continued scrolling unconsciously letting out warm tears, their right, I thought making a decision to lose weight.
I'll start tomorrow.
Good boy, lose your chubbyness.
OK....
T-I-M-E--S-K-I-P
I woke up to chan hyung shaking me awake and soft scolding me for sleeping through my alarm. Good you can Skip breakfast the voice echoed throught my head.
I jumped out of bed and quickly rushed to my closet, snatching the first pair of clothes I could find. Hurry up fatty, he growled making me tear up.
After I got dressed I raced down the stairs and picked up my bag. As usual I stepped into the kitchen and was about to pick up an apple before once again the uninvited options buts in. What happened to losing weight? You don't need it. Oh.. Right, I have to bring it though practising on an empty stomach is dangerous...
Your looks are more important fat ass
It repeated back to me.
All of a sudden, a familiar voice said my name.
Innie? Felix asked. "Yeah?" I replied, we need to head to the car why are you just standing there??
"Oh sorry lix hyung I just needed to grab an apple for practise. I'll be there in a moment you can go ahead" I said 'cheerfully'
"Oh ok don't take to long then, Chan hyung will get impatient :-)" he replied with a cute smile on his face.
Why cant i be beautiful like him?? I mean look at his rosy cheeks, button nose, big eyes and lucious hair why dont I have those features?? does he think I'm fat and ugly too? I sat there overthinking for a while before I snapped sout of it and realised lix had already left. Shit! I thought before grabbing an apple and sprinting outside.
I opened the door to the back of the mini van and sat next to binnie in the back. "too you long enough baby bread" seungmin hyung said in a teasing voice. "Sorry I was busy thinking and I lost teach of time " I replied letting out an awkward chuckle. "don't worry innie it's fine" Chang hyung replied from the passenger seat. And soon enough the van started moving on its way to the dance studio. Prt 1
Im so sorry this is so short and bad quality lately Ive had absolutely no motivation to do anything not even to take care of myself. I'm still recovering from an eating disorder so writing about this kind of helps me to express myself so if you have any requests about ed's or any mental health problem, let me know and I'll write about it quite quickly :-)
I'm also reaching out support to anyone struggling with anything like this and I promise starving yourslef doesn't make it better❤️
Part 2 will come out either this week or in a month or so but I promise I won't go on hiatus again.
1417 words❤️
