Seungmin pov:
Lately I haven't been doing well, I can't help but feel useless. I know I'll sound selfish from what I'm about to say but I don't think I've been progressing in anything, I've never been exceptional at dancing but from what I've heard I'm quite good but nothing I do can compare to hyunjin and Lee know. Their dancing is so mesmerising, Lee know always learns our dances so quick and is practically like and second instructor and the way his hips and thighs move just captures you eyes which I'm absolutely sure many people have noticed. Hyunjin, his dancing is so satisfying for the human eye, the way he becomes one with the dance is so elegant and the way he drowns in perfection makes him strive for better which means he's the legitimate definition of perfection.
I've come to terms with the fact my dancing isn't good but what bugs me is that no one ever compliments my vocals anymore. It's like they've become oblivious to my voice. My only good trait is my singing and breath control without that I couldn't have debuted as an idol, that's why I hate sore throats. It makes me feel useless because I can't contribute to our group and I'm just dragging them back. My rapping isn't the best either, I never really rap in songs but I can rap, I have very good breath control which makes me able to rap incredibly fast. However, unlike changbin my voice isn't rough and dominant it's more smooth and majestic making my rapping sound immature. Rapping also gives me sore throats and like I said before then I just succumb to my feels.
Like I mentioned briefly before no one is noticing my singing anymore, it's more about jeongin and han and I can't help feel upset no one is paying attention to me which makes me feel selfish. Do I even deserve this attention?? Chan hyung has also stopped complimenting or reassuring me after singing he just gives me the occasional smile or nod which makes me feel complete but empty at the same time. I Don't know how to bring this up to my members without sounding like a spoilt brat and not being able to open up is crumbling my self esteem.
Uneasily, I woke up feeling weird. Not sick or tired, more like there's a vast hole of emptiness in my heart. I can't feel any emotions I'm just numb, no sorrow, no anger, no confusion, no happiness, no hatred, no disgustion just numbness. I've felt like this for wla while now but this is definitely the most extreme.
Slowly, I untangle myself from my soft blanket and sat up before placing my bare feet on the cold wooden floors of my dorms room. I quietly stood up as there were still sleeping members from our sleepover last night and rushed into my bathroom locking the door behind. I stared at my reflection in the mirror and observed my dark eyebags that sat plastered into my face before making a mental note to cover them with foundation or Concealer so u don't get questioned by the members or worse... Stay.
I quickly stripped from my clothes before setting the temperature and opening the water. I felt the lukewarm water drip onto my warm skin, soothing it with a relaxing touch. After a while of standing under the water I grabbed my quarter full shampoo bottle and poured a good amount onto my palm before massaging it into my scalp. I felt the foam slowly disappear onto the shower floor when I lifted the shower head over my damp hair. After that I got my conditioner and quickly applyed a small amount before detangling and rinsing. Once I finished my refreshing shower, I dried off my hair and body before dressing into clean clothes I had picked prior to my shower and applyed Concealer to my undereyes.
I swiftly unlocked the door and stepped into my now empty bedroom. I let out a heavy sigh, "hmm must went down for breakfast already" I said to myself trying to reassure my mind they didn't leave me.
I headed downstairs and saw the members sat around the table laughing and eating together, even with this happy atmosphere I couldn't help but feel that they are happier without me. One of my hyungs must of noticed my discomfort because I was quickly pulled to sit by Lee know. He leaned over to me and whispered qently into my ear "good morning are you okay? "
I was a bit taken aback at his question because even though Lee know hyung loved us all he never shows it in words but instead he shows us through his actions so this was a surprise. Noticing I've been in my thoughts for awhile now I gently whispered back a small 'I'm fine ' and a thank you for asking before sitting up and beggining to dig into my food that was placed in front of me.
