I sit on the bench, clenching my phone in my hand.
For a moment, the speakers make an eerie noise. Then, "Welcoming to the ice, Lily Katsuki!"
The crowd goes wild as i slide off my guards, taking steps onto the ice. I unzip my jacket, revealing an all-too tight fitting dress. The pins in my hair stab and scratch at my scalp, eyeshadow keeping me from touching my face.
As I take my first few steps, I stumble over the ice itself.
The commentator makes a snarky remark, somehow managing to find the right thing to stick in my head.
Just go out there, and present. Just get first place, I think to myself as i glide to my spot.
The music starts, but I dont. I have a physical jolt in my body, realizing that the music had started, I try to speed my movements to recover from the lost second.
First jump. Axel toe.....
You worthless good for nothing shit! You wobble on the landing of an axel? You're supposed to be good at those!
And now the step sequence...
Thats the wrong fucking edge, idiot
Spiral sequence over....
Single axel.
Could've been better
I manage to hit my toe-pick when i go to take a step, and wind up falling.
I feel my throat tighten in my neck. God, I knew i should've gotten it checked out for asthma before competition.
Its not asthma, you're just to fat to handle your own weight.
Flip.... that didn't seem too bad.
And now the combination spin.... four revolutions on the camel... six on the sit... and 4 upright, and out!
Now for the jump that I was just barely landing....
I push myself up off the cold surface to a stand again, muttering a well-kept "Fuck" and I finish my program with a lutz.
The crowd applauses as I put down my finger-guns, and skate to the center to take a bow.
Then I run for the gate. I quickly grab my jacket and phone, and run to the bathroom.
I slide down the wall of the stall, tears leaking from my eyes. After a few seconds, I sit on the toilet instead.
My head in my hands, I sit there. Pathetic as always.
As I helplessly bawl into my palms, I move my foot up onto my other leg.
I've already undone my dress anyway, might as well.
I run the heel of the blade against the skin, watching as it penetrates the thin layer with ease.
Once Im done about four lines, I'm about to start my fifth, as a masculine voice interrupts me.
You're such a faggot. Get out of the mens' washrooms, and go where you belong, dumbass.
My legs tremble as my body shakes, returning my skate to its previous spot on the floor.
Later that night
I got home fairly late that day, considering I skated at 8:50, the results not being posted until 9:20.
I throw my skate bag onto the floor and fumble onto my bed, looking at my phone screen.
11:43pm.
God, that was the longest two hour drive of my life. I reach for a small box under my bed, rummaging through its content.
By the end of the following day, I was finished.
My parents were out of town, and my sister was watching a movie, so she'd leave me unbothered for at least an hour.
I had told my father I was worried about my curtains falling, so he tightened them tight enough to withstand an extra 100 or so pounds. They're also fairly high up, so perfect for this occasion.
I leave my room, and go hug my dog. I hug her as tightly as I can. Then, after telling Viichan my goodbyes, I pear into the living room to see Mari.
I knock on the wall, catching her attention. "Could I.. come in for a sec?"
She gives me a funny look. "Since when did you ask for permission to annoy me?"
"Ah, sorry," I make my way over to sit beside her. I glance over, and give her the tightest hug I can. "I'm so, so sorry."
"Lily, dude, you're scaring me," she pries me off of her, and grabs right under my shoulders, looking at me like I've just told her my plans for the evening.
I squirm my way out of her grasp, and stand up. "Alrighty, well you finish watching your show!"
I shut the door behind me as I enter my bedroom, trying not to slam it. Making my way over to the stool, I take a deep breath, and place myself on it.
Placing the scarf-like contraption over my head, I feel a light pull at my jaw.
I glance over my room once more, making sure everything's ready for me to leave.
Letters, gifts, money, skates...
I stare at one of the many framed pictures in my room.
"I'm sorry... I just wanted to be like you...."
"..........Victor..."
