why loving you is wrong

After you.

(I still remember the day you left me)

I remember the first time you left I felt my heart shatter while watching the stars

wishing I was in your arms even though I knew you'd never let me stay there

I'm trying not to make you pay for your mistake because to me you'll forever be greatness

And even though I thought our love was fate maybe it was fake

Or maybe you just couldn't get your priorities straight

I still remember the day you left me

I felt my broken home finally collapse and turn into trash

First went the kitchen

Pots and pans clattering cabinets crushed from the pressure of it all just like us

Then went the bathroom

Mirrors screaming the shower head fell and the tub was turned into dust

Last but not least my bedroom crumbled all the books and memories on my walls were gone

There was no more

My broken home had been removed from life like it was never there

Like it didn't exist

As I fell to my knees watching my home destructed on the ground

All I could do was cry

How could you

How could you do this to me?

I felt a shooting pain in my heart

for what felt like forever I could not move

All I could do was sit there

Just live and die all at once

I couldn't eat

I couldn't sleep

I couldn't

B

     R

          E

               A

                   T

                       H

                           E

All I could do was cry

Because you left me

Because I needed you

Because you were the air that I needed to survive

And without you

I was suffocating

It felt like drowning in the deepest Darkest part of the ocean

And the more I sunk

The more I became okay with the feeling

Because the farther I went down

The less I could feel

The words you say to me and the names you call me do not reach my ears anymore

I miss before we dated

You were so sweet to me

Now it's like you only love me sometimes and only like me others

Or maybe it's just my mind playing tricks

You know my personalities are split

Maybe it's all just in my head

I think I'm insane because when I thought over your name

It made me refrain from wanting to live

I went back to cutting my wrist

Sliding a razor 2 centimeters deep into my soft brown skin

I've tried being clean so many times but you were the only reason I had to stop

And you're also the reason I restarted

So who do I turn to now that you've broken me?

Do I turn to tape

Or coping skills

Glitter glue

Or maybe journals filled

Those are all options but none of them compare to the one that's most effective

You

You know I have so many questions

How do you sit there and watch me hurt like that?

How can your stomach bare the utter witnessing of heartbreak?

How do you show no emotion to the fact that you hurt me?

You run and tell your friends you left me and you used me like a broken umbrella on a rainy day

How do you do that?

How do you listen to my stories of how I gave up on love till I met you and then turn around

And do exactly what I said would break me

Why'd you lie

Why'd you stick the 8-inch sword of faltered love inside of my chest as if I was nothing to you

How do you do it?

Well do you want to know the funniest part about the day you left

The day you left I realized something

I learned 5 things

One: A knife can't cut but so deep

Two: butterflies are just bees with sugar

Three: The sun is not Merciful

Four: The rain is unforgiving

Five: the moon is the ruler of fear but is the beauty of darkness and light

Those are the most important lessons a person can learn after a broken heart 

Cause I remember the day you left me

the last time you said you loved me and goodnight

And I told myself I'd never sleep again

because without you it doesn't feel right