She Kills (2016)

Six

I came home from work at 6 in the evening, on a cold March day, when the phone started to ring. It was Carlo.

"Hello."

"Lele?"

"Yeah, they called me like that."

"Shit!"

"You can call me in other ways, if you don't like it," I joked.

"I broke up with Ruth."

"Let me guess: the United States?"

"Shit!"

"Okay, you wanna tell me something else or what?"

"The bitch has gone. Work, she said."

"I'm home, wanna come here?"

In half an hour he came over and told me more about what was going on.

I was feeling a little guilty for not having talked to him about what Ruth told me, at the night of the party. She told me that Carlo had accepted it, but deep inside, I knew there was a missing link. My friend's quite open minded but that distance is quite a lot for anyone.

"I can't believe she really did it," he said.

"You told her it was okay for you, didn't you?"

"I did but I thought she was kidding me! It was two years since she was telling that she wanted to move to Los Angeles, and still she stayed in Berlin."

"Forgive me, I'm afraid I don't understand you. You said it was okay only because you thought she was not serious about her plans for work and life? How could you be so sure that she wanted just to tease you with this idea?"

"I'm not saying she was teasing me, probably this was really her dream, but she had many chances to work in Berlin. Why moving?"

"Maybe only for the reasons she gave you: it's her life and her work. Maybe she wanted to gain new experiences, improve her skills, I don't know. Why didn't you think of moving with her?"

"I have my mother here. She's old and she has only me."

"Well, you could go there once every three months."

"For God's sake! She's in California, not just around the corner. I can't have a relationship with someone that usually goes to sleep when I wake up."

"I don't see the problem. You go to sleep when I wake up and we live in the same city. So no jet lag," I laughed.

"Be serious, please. I am."

"Fine, sorry for laughing. When did she leave?"

"This morning."

"What am I supposed to say? She told me about this dream, on New Year's Eve. We talked about it while you were chasing after some wine, but I didn't expect it was that fast, nor that you were going to take it so badly, although I was pretty sure it was not going to be easy for you. She just told me that everything was fine and I believed her. I'm sorry, mate."

"Did you talk about that three months ago and you are telling me now?"

"I didn't know it was that important. I mean, to tell you about it. It's your own business."

"Actually you could have asked me how I was feeling about it, but it's fine. Neither did I talk about it with you."

"So what is your plan, now?" I asked him.

"No idea," he replied.

"A good start."

"What about you?"

"I will actually survive your ex's absence but not your cries, I'm afraid."

"You idiot! How's the music project going?"

"I just gave my demo to this producer, last week. I don't know what's gonna happen now but I'm really nervous."

"Well, I bet you are! It's a big deal, isn't it? Unfortunately, I wouldn't know what to tell you either. My only advice is to be patient."

"I know, and apart from joking, neither have I any good advice for you. I'm conscious I live in limbo. I feel my time is up and I have to do something with my life; I can't waste time with girls and their flowers and guns."

"For the first time in my life I hear you talking like this. What kind of stuff are you taking, brother? I want some."

"The only stuff I use is my brain. Girls ruin it, like drugs."

"Okay, am I dreaming or something. I go to sleep, don't wake me up for a year."

When my friend left, I kept thinking about it. Did I really surprise him, by telling I wanted to take care of myself? What had I been doing all those previous years? Of course I cared about me, my family and friends, but there was something I was missing, between the lines. Yeah, I said "girls ruin brains, like drugs" but I didn't really mean that. The problem is that life makes you run around all the time: school, work, gym, football, car races, dating, building a family, watching babies become men or women fast, and then you find yourself old, without a clue about what the hell you were running for. Happiness, money, love, health, sex? All gone with the years and the people you met along the road. You've gotten old and there's nothing you can do about it, anymore. The ticket you paid for the ride, has expired.

If you pay attention, dating is what can really change your life. If it leads you to a family, it means that the no-turning-back-moment was just the first one you shared with a woman. Too late. The beginning of the end. A marvelous moment, actually, but you could have avoided that for few more years.

When you have a goal, a target to pursue, you just can't be distracted by anything or anyone else, or you lose the thread. That's it.

It was time to show to myself and others that I could make it with music. I was cursing my job all the time, music was my chance to change it. Why waste energy with someone who would have told me that my job was a steady and perfect one for settling down? In other words, if I was drowning, a girl would have said that being hit by a big wave would have been the best way to solve my problems, dying with dignity. Shit! What about surviving? Isn't it available and a reasonable option?

On the other hand I don't want to say that a relationship, a true love, is something you can live without, but it's a commitment, and it needs all your passion and strength to carry it on. It's not a part time job, something that keeps breathing without air; you and your partner are that air.

What was my friend's goal in life? Were they (he and Ruth) air for each other, or did they need some fresh air to breathe?

A life together separated by distance is not worth living, but only for a short time. Ruth had her dreams to follow, my friend seemed not to have any of the sort.