TRUST ME, IT HAPPENED.

Untitled early years/ Pam part 1

Memory 1: 1st trauma memory:

It's dark....why can't I see anything"? "wait, I see a bright line?! reaching out, I realize I am in a very small space. I start to feel cold and wet on my forehead and why does my heart feel weird? "why does it smell scary? Pushing forward with my left hand I found a hard thing and just pushed. it's not moving. My hearts starts beating faster now and my hands are shaking. I pushed harder and the door popped open. I was in the closet. Why? Where's sissy? why is it so dark in here? where's mommy? "Daddy"? "where are you?" no response. the bedroom doors closed. Not supposed to open it. "MOMMY?" "be quiet amber" "sissy!?" she was in another bedroom and wanted me to be quiet because mommy and daddy are "out" The next thing I remember is that I somehow got to the living room and to the front door. The doorknob was shiny gold color and on the left side of a brown door. I reached with my right hand and BOOM, the door opened and I saw my dads face. I remember feeling fear and not knowing how to become invisible. That's all I remember that night.

Then we bounce forward to a warm spring or fall like day In Montana. Oh! My mom and dad decided to move my sister and I to Montana due to my dad not getting along with ANY of her family. At a later date I found out that my dad had apparently gotten into a fight with my grandma and kicked her in the crotch. I was never told what the argument was about but I can only imagine that it had something todo with the fact that Andy (dad) was not a good man. My mom was for some reason obsessed with bad guys. She liked the rush I guess. She had picked a dozy with Andy that's for sure. He was a drunk who also dabbled in drugs. He had Dark DARK brown eyes and dark black hair. I was told that his parents were Samoan and Indian. That would explain a lot in his looks. I remember his eyes were not something I ever looked at. They just made you nervous and anxious. Pure evil he was.

Anyways; we settled in Helena Montana in I think 1985 don't quote me on it. I know it was about at age 3 so maybe 86. Back to the memory. I remember feeling the chilly, yet warm breeze on my arms and face and the smell of the dust as my feet ran across it as I swing on my stomach. I was eating Waco candy pieces. You remember those. the thin, round, colorful weird flavored candies that came in a roll. I look to the right and my sister is on the swing next to me. She also has candy and trying to swing along with me. All of a sudden we heard this REALLY loud scream. "that's mom" sissy says. We both swing faster and look down at our candy. I remember a little about an ambulance. I then don't really remember anything.

After this All 3 of my siblings a I were placed in foster care. We were NOT kept together. I don't really remember my first few homes at all to be honest. My earliest memory from my foster care experience would have to be PAM. Oh my lord this lady. Pam was an overweight, middle aged lady with short goofy curly hair. who resided in Helena Montana. I remember that she owned a daycare and that we seemed to live there. I later found out that she would lock me in the nap room and go home after work. I was too scared to move so I never tried to leave the nap area until she came and got me. Any ways; I remember always being woken up with bright lights and "wake up amber". I would pretty much have a time limit on getting up and putting my pad away and getting to the bathroom. Not only because I had to hold it all night log but the fact that the day care was about to open and pam was late with waking me up almost everyday. Id Go pee and the pam would change my clothes for me. I never got to choose what I wanted to wear. I was only like 4 though ha. After getting dressed I remember her tugging and tugging at my long brown native hair. She hated brushing it and would get upset with me if it got snarled and too her longer to come through. One day, she decided that I no longer needed my long brown hair. She cut it all off and gave me the same curly sue perm she had. I was devistated. When she was done brushing my hair in the mornings; I would go sit at the long brown folding table that all the kids that came to the daycare sat at to eat breakfast and I would eat alone.  She made me eat alone because before the kids got there, I was to go to the nap room again and wait til they all got there and then I could come out. It was like I was a secret to the other mommies and daddies.

We watched a lot of dr. seuse movies on the tv. Sesame Street was on all day it seemed though. The counting bat scared the hell out of me though. I wasn't allowed to pick the movies but I couldn't read and didn't really understand what a movie was anyways. I was always more worried about the front door. I was always looking at it. it was blocked by this short but taller than me wall, it was brown with a big window on it. Look at the tv, look at the door. look at the clock.....I can't tell time but back at the door. I was always waiting for someone to walk through it. I don't think I knew who at the time though. I just wanted someone to come save me from this crazy lady. I remember one day, I was watching the grinch and the door bell rang and when I looked over....there is sissy! I couldn't remember the last time I'd seen her. Felt like forever. I didn't know at the time but, she had found a forever home and was heading to Las Vegas Nevada. I was too young to understand that that would be the last time I would see sissy for a while. I remember sitting in a booth on the left hand side of her wanting to do nothing but hold on to her forever. She had such pretty blond hair and blue eyes. She to me was the most beautiful person ever. I don't remember what we were talking about but. Too this day I remember this. sissy, :may back itches" me, "where"? up there she says, I start itching but too be funny, I decided to do it lightly. This made her mad and she kept saying harder, harder left, right, then turned to me and said that if you don't itch it, it won't go away and will only get worse. that was mean she said. then I don't really remember what happed to her after that. I can only remember being locked in that damn nap room all the time.

I also remember that the last thing you wanted to do while living with pam was not be honest and not follow every rule she had. There were so many that I had to follow that all the other kids didn't. It was because I was different than everyone else. I was darker skinned, darker hair and eyes and I looked nothing like my "mom" which is what I was forced to call pam even though just weeks before I was with my actual mom. I was confused but didn't want to have to deal with the pam punishment's. Her favorite go to was tabasco sauce. She would put a drop of that in my mouth for EVERYTHING I did wrong. I still remember the time I sneezed as she dropped it in and it got everywhere on her and in her eyes. That was the last memory of Pam I have. I do believe, like everyone else, she got tired of me and replaced me with another new kid. It was the 80's foster kids were like handbags. You were "such a good person" for fostering kids. Little did most know. We were just paychecks.

TBC....