TRUST ME, IT HAPPENED.

Let the confusion begin

The sun was so bright as I stepped out of the van. I was still sleepy; so things were blurry. I remember the lady with brown curly hair grabbing my right arm and leading me to the front door of the house. I don't really remember much from those first moments except, there was a tv in the dining room where you could see it from the table!! WHAT!! that's cool! Wait! what's that under the table? I walked over and saw a young but older than me boy laying on the floor watching the tv. I think I just sat down there with him. This place is kind of cool I thought but I was wondering when my mommy and daddy was going to get there because I was ready to go home. I always watched to the doors, no matter where I was. I just knew they would walk through it.

I don't really remember what the home looked like. It was brown wood on the outside with many trees around it. Bright green grass and I have no memories of snow or rain there so the house always has a big blue sky above it. It was what is now, my dream home location. hidden in the woods with a great view. I do remember there was a downstairs and that I wasn't supposed to go down there because that is where all the bigger boys slept and I can't be down there because I was a girl. I didn't understand why until later. I will regret every step down those stairs for the rest of my life.

I was placed in school while I was in this home so I must of been 5 by then. I don't remember what the school looked like but I remember what my teacher looked like. she was an older lady with white and yellow hair that was about shoulder length. She was nice to me at first and introduced me to all the other kids and encouraged me to talk and play with them. I didn't really understand what this "play" with others was. I wasn't allowed to play with the other kids at the last place like this. I remember just finding the seat in the back and watching everyone else interact with each other. I remember feeling lonely but not really understanding what that meant.

There was this one day on the bus though, that has always stuck with me. I got to ride in a large Yellow bus home from school. The brown haired man always took me to school. The bus was so big and I felt on top of the world riding in it. Even though I couldn't see anything but clouds, sky and the occasional tree top. The driver of this bus had a deal that the last kid off the bus had the option to close all the windows and they would get a treat usually just a dumdum sucker but hey, its candy and I never really had much of that sweet goodness throughout my short life and I really wanted one! I waited for what seemed like all year long before it was my turn. The last day going to school at this place was the day I got to close the windows! holy shit! its my time I thought as I stood up and waited for the "go ahead " look from the driver. This was my time to shine. I get to the back of the bus because that's the coolest part of the bus of course. I clime my tiny 38lb butt onto the seat and reach for the window. I was thinking this was going to be so easy because everyone else did it so quickly. Well; first issue, my small fingers barely fit around the thingy used to unlock the windows. Dang! I can't do this. I look at the driver; who is watching me with a smile through her mirror. She say's, "you got it" I of course say I do and knew I was about to let her down. I revved up as much energy as I could muster and omg, the window moved up. I got so excited for the inch I gained that I didn't realize that that inch was all I had left in length and I fell into the down under part of the bus seats. I folded in half backwards. Umm ouch. I got up so quick and tried to brush it off but the driver saw what happened and was already half way down the bus. I had scrapes but was ok. She handed me a big kid sucker, bigger than a dumdum, it had two colors on it and was sour!! omg! she said with a laugh, "maybe next year kiddo". I remember feeling not hurt physically but my pride took a hit and I was trying understand what todo with this new information. I was smaller than I thought. To me, I could do everything anyone else could. I was floored I just got my ass kicked my a window haha.

This would be the last happy memory I really had out of this short stay with this foster home. What would occur next would be life changing and I didn't even know it was wrong.

to be continued.....

I remember one morning I had decided that I was going to break the rules and see what this downstairs stuff was all about. I Do not really remember the lay out of this particular home but I do remember the stairs and how I got to the end of the hallway. I creeped my way along the wall, trying to be quiet because I knew if I got caught I would be put in timeout and the door would be locked again. I remember getting to the bottom of the stairs and then making a left turn. To my statute; the basement was huge and REALLY dark. I flash forward and find myself down at the dark end of the hallway. There is a door on the right and a door on the left and another smaller skinner door in front of me. As I reach for the door handle Infront of me I feel a touch on my right arm. I look over and its the boy that was under the table watching the cool music tv. He said come in here, if the parents see you, you will get in trouble. I ran in with him and he closed the door. He told me to get in his bed so if they look in here they wont see you. I had no real idea what was going on or about to happen but I knew I didn't want to get into trouble. About a min after I got in the room and under the bit yellow blanket I remember hearing a knock and another buoy asked what was all that noise and the other kid said something that made the other go away. Then I heard the door lock. I actually started to feel kind of weird. I was all of a sudden very hot and my face tingled. I wanted to see what this boy was doing because he was making a lot of noise but now I was scared to come out from under the blanket at all. Then, I start to feel the bed move and sink down as he gets on the bet with me. At this point in remember closing my eyes really tight because I thought that he couldn't see me or I just disappeared. It didn't work. I no felt his hand on my legs, he pulled me down in to the bed further and I remember that I all of a sudden didn't have pants on. The only thing I really remember next is the PAIN, it hurt so bad all of a sudden down there and he wasn't listening when I told him it hurt. he said it's ok, it's going to hurt, you are ok. I closed my eyes really tight and he said don't scream, you will be in trouble. So I tried really hard not too but it hurt so bad I started to sob. The door knocked really loud and he put his hand over my mouth. Doing this he covered my nose as well and I couldn't breath. I heard what sounded like the dad asking if this boy had seen me. He said no and squeezed my face harder. When it got quiet he took his hand off my face and got off me. Doing this hurt so bad as well, I feltlike my hips were going to split or rip apart, my heart was beating so fast, I was trying so hard to stop crying because he said the only way he's letting me out is if I stop crying. All of a sudden the door opened and it was the tall skinny blond boy who was older than this boy. He told me that I'm going to get in trouble and grabbed me by my left arm and took me to his room. He told me he knew what that boy just did or tried to do to me and said he won't do that. Then we heard the moms voice and he told me to get in the closet so I did. She came in asking where I was and he said he didn't know. She almost checked the closet but didn't for some reason. I kind of wanted her to as I was now scared again. I was more scared of being in trouble. I stayed quiet and she left. The boy told me to come out and said that he was going to sneak me back upstairs but I couldn't tell anyone he helped me or that he knew I was down there because this was his last chance at a foster home. That's all I remember of that to be honest. I then flash forward to me on the phone in the kitchen talking to a lady about how much I liked her house and she was very pretty and nice. Apparently; at the time, this was another prospective foster home. I didn't know the lady at the time but I remember not really caring, it had to be better than this, and she might know where my mom and dad are.

end of this foster home.