TRUST ME, IT HAPPENED.

PAM Part 2

One day, I was left in the nap room alone, again. I could hear the kids laughing and cheering and they were singing this song that I had never heard before. I tried to look out the window in the door but Pam put paper over it so I couldn't get a good view of what was going on outside the door. It was there to actually keep people from knowing I was there. I did; however, find a small hole in the paper to look through, like where she tried to tape it but messed up and it ripped a hole when she removed the tape. I could see these round colorful things floating in the air with these long white strings on them that were stuck all around the table. There was a one of these in between each kid. They were all different colors and one had words on it. All the kids were sitting at the table and there were these boxes with pretty paper on them, at the end. I watched as all the kids seemed to be really happy about the boy at the end ripping the paper off the boxes. "what are those pointy things on their heads"? I didn't know what they were but I wanted one. I as of yet, had no idea what a birthday party was so I didn't know I was really missing out. I just knew I felt like I wasn't a good enough girl that day to play with the kids. I had to be quiet and not interact with the other kids every day. I was in-fact a truly unwanted secret. I already knew what a secret was at the time. Little did I know. it wouldn't be the last time I would have to keep or be one.

After the party, pam came in and said I needed to come help do chores. This meant clean up the mess, make it nice for Pam. Mind you, I am only less than 5 years old. I cleaned the trash up while the other kids got to play with the boys new toys. After I was done cleaning, I was told it was nap time and I had to go back to the nap room. Well, I wasn't tired, I kept getting off my matt and trying to play with the big bouncy ball you could sit on or the sit and spin. Pam got mad at me for not laying down and took me into the bathroom. She smacked my mouth and put hot sauce in it. She explained that if I make any noise, it will get worse. I had to go back to the nap room without anyone noticing my red face. This was so hard because one of the yellow haired kids looked at me and said, are you ok? I was not allowed to say anything I just moved faster to the nap room grabbing my mouth I did what pam said and laid there the rest of the day. until I had to pee. I was too scared to knock on the door and ask to go pee so I snuck off into the corner of this large nap room and peed where she kept all the big colorful balls we could sit on. I don't remember if she ever knew I did that. never got into trouble for that specifically. Gross I know, what else was a 4 year old who really had to pee going to do? I at least did it out of the way of anyone stepping in it.

Next; I remember being told to get up and get my backpack. I did what I was told even though I really had to pee again and that made me panic. What if she finds that spot? I will be in BIG trouble this time. Pam; told me to find my nice dress and go put it on in the bathroom. I found it, but was confused as how to put it on as she always dressed me. There were so many buttons and a zipper on this dress; I couldn't figure out what hole my head went through, it was a mess. I think I ripped the sleeve thinking my head fit in there ha. I was taking too long so she came in and for the first time EVER, was super nice to me. She was gentle with her touch and her voice was soft and friendly. She wasn't mad I was taking too long; but I remember her voice was a lot louder than normal. It was like she was talking to someone outside the door but I didn't remember seeing anyone. This was a weird feeling for me and the first of many times I would feel this over the next few years. She brushed my hair gently trying to make it poof and told me to put a nice face on my face. I did. I smiled and she grabbed my arm roughly but more gentle than normal, she told me to go sit at the table with the brown haired lady. lady? what lady? I didn't remember anyone being there when I walked through to the bathroom? My stomach now did this pain; first time feeling this. I knew what it felt like to be hungry, this was almost the same but it hurt more. I did see this heavy set lady with poufy black hair sitting at the last table on the left facing the place where the kids play. I guess that's her. I went and sat down, she just smiled and stared at me. I don't remember the conversation at the time, all I remember was, ; Pam started crying and went and got my stuff, like ALL of my stuff. Wasn't much; just a couple suitcases and a black bag.

Next to this lady with poof dark hair was this tall dark haired man. He seemed to just sit there and smile at me. This made me uncomfortable. Why was he just smiling at me? Next I remember being outside, It was so cold and I just had this white, lacey dress on. Wait! this guy is trying to pick me up? Why? what did I do? Wait, we are taking a picture? I'm so confused. Starting to get scared. Remember what Pam said, look happy, Smile big. Wait, why is he pulling me closer too him? this feels weird, I better push away, he's not my dad, this feels weird". after the picture I remember hugging pam and getting into a van. As we were driving away; I remember being told I was now safe and going to my forever home. I didn't know what the meant but I thought it has to be better than Pam's. This thing (seatbelt) across my neck is scratchy. I didn't know what was going to happen next but I don't remember caring that much. I felt sleepy and then I woke up outside a dark brown house. Wow those trees are HUGE! Where am I? are my mommy and daddy in there?.

TBC.....

This was the story of Pam, The first foster "mom" I remember being at. I do know now that; before her, I was watched by an older lady but I have only the story told to me; no actual memory of being there. The next part is where it starts getting graphic so I will warn you in advance. I do not edit my life to appease those around me. I tell it as it happened; as I remember it and I try to not leave out any details.