Going Insane!

Part 1. Expressing it

     It was 8:07 at night, on December 13th, 2022 as I lay on my bed, sobbing quietly. I roll my body into my wall. I'm sick of it. I'm having another breakdown. I've already cut myself, and just a few days prior I had another mental breakdown, crying in front of my mother and apologizing for every little thing I could; being rude to my awful little brother, wanting to be a boy, being a horrible child, for not taking care of my pets- Anything I could think of, I apologized for.
     I unlock my phone from in front of me, going into my messages to ask for advice. "But who should I text? My best friend, Reese? No, she's going through too much." I think to myself. "I couldn't possibly bother her with my pitiful problems."
      Giving up with myself, I decide to text one of my other online friends: Ester. Her and my sense of humor are very similar, but she can be serious when she really needs to be, so I figure she's the best option for now.
        "You." I demand, texting her in my usual humorous manor.
      "Me." She replies back.
      "Hi, hru(how are you)?"
      "I'm so so great, you?"
      "Can I ask you a question that is not to be taken lightly?" I ask seriously. She pauses for a moment before replying back.
      "Uhmm sure."
      When I see her message, I almost hesitate and tell her nevermind, but before I realize, I'm already typing. I tell her what's been going on, and I ask her if I should man up and deal with my problems or if I should just go to the hospital.
      As expected, she gives me an honest answer, explaining to me that all the friends she has have already been to the hospital, and it hasn't helped. I told her: "Well neither does therapy." and I chuckled lightly to myself. I put away my phone stumble out of my bed, making my way to the living room where I sit on the chair next to the couch, which is where my mother is sitting.
        While I'm contemplating how to break the news to my mom, she looks up from her phone and fixes her gaze on me. "What's up?" She asks.
         I knew she could tell something was wrong, she had a worried look on her face, I suspected that she could see the red and puffiness from crying earlier in the night. "I think I need to go back to the mental hospital." I say slowly. Mom's expression changes from worried to pale, she suspects the worse.
         "Why?" She asks.
         I explain everything that's been going on, just like I did with Ester. She says she'll think about it, and asks if it's an emergency. She asks if she needs to call after-hours for my therapy program. At first, I tell her yes so that way they have time to evaluate me to make sure I'm required to go, then she explains to me that I'll have to go to the hospital tonight. I was hoping that I could wait to figure out if I really wanted to go or not, or to see if anything else would happen. I told mom to put it off until the morning and ask my therapy about it. She warned me I would probably have to leave during the day again, just like last time. Suddenly stunned by my own claim that I needed to go, I nod to my mother and our conversation finishes. I take my pills, and head off to bed, where I fall asleep in about an hour, watching what I usually do to bed.