Weight On My World- a poem a day or ... something

like the stars again

Oh theres this weight on my world

dont know how long its been there

or what i am going to do

why cant i figure this out

me

i am

the greatest paradox you will ever meet

there is the mysterious loving hate that battles its self for days on end

until it rests and there is dawn

i can hear my heart

but i dont know where that rests anymore

in love or in fear

in sorrow or in pain

or worse in lies

what if i am lies and i know nothing

and i am sure of nothing

what if i am just as lost as ever

and i made it nowhere for long

what if these flashes are only glispses filled with joy and pain

sometimes i wish i could fly

sometimes i wish i could fall into the sky

maybe thats where my heart rests

i shall not know yet

i shall only guess

until the dawn breaks and night regresses

i stand somewhere

alone

glimpsed by the whispers and fears of stolen and forgetton loves

brushes by the warmth of everlasting stars i stand

somewhere in a feild of courage not a feild of doubt

to go on

we all must go on

we all share the murky fog that ever surrounds us

we do not open our eyes neither do we close them

for the fog is ever more real

i am lost

we go through and for moments in time we do not see the frozen barren emobilized foggy glow of light but of the light that shimmers somewhere from a clouded sun

or maybe it is sunny and some of us just do not know all the time

maybe there is this balence this shift in who is lost and who is found

but like in a room of nothing but mirrors whichever way i turn i keep just running into myself

but if somewhere out theyre i hear the claps of thunder and flashes of light and blankets and blankets of clouds

i hear the sweetness in the air drizzled with rain

prehalps i cannot right now

if i know my delusions exist trapped somewhere by something sort of a monster prehaps a monster of perfection

but i have felt the sunshine

real or not

what is real? is it the vison i do not know exists? The stuff I see also scares me I am ever afraid and I dont know why never quite homing in on clarity but forever buzzing around it thinking thinking i am not lost

why am i so lost

did i do it before

was i ever the best verison of myself? Or where those slight accomplishments bits and peices of ash floating around somewhere in the obilivion

i do not know if the sunshine or the sweetness in the rain is all i will ever have

though it may come in breif flashes

i remember days when i was covered in both and everything else seemed just behind me

i had courage

for it went somewhere

and i dont know where

somewhere made to give us strength

a place of warmth and comfort and fairy tales

a place of warm memories like blankets i remember in flashes not long forgotten

they seemed once distant

i couldnt reach

now they are vivid in flashes

warm blankets and smell of salt air

light from outside and in a cabin a book a blanket seat and family

stars tons and tons of stars three perfect beams from a cresent in the sky

friends more than friends

light

a light i did not think i could feel on a cold blustery november day

warmth walking across icy paths

this is where my heart rests

this is where my heart lays

not in the sky

in everyday

or everyday i manage to find

the words to describe

without them slipping through my fingers and cascading into a dam of water waiting to be set free

and

i do not know

none of us ever will

and we all too similar and that

and i am too condrodictary on the inside this endless battle of

was i ever right? Or was I just mistakes

I think I know where my heart lives now

but i do not know...

I want to follow

Being Young

is so strange

being ever connected with the world

i rmemeber seeing stars

i remember being appy and being me and being something couldnt eplain

but just knew

like a thousand other mes intertwined with the universe

and i saw stars

and fire

and a surrounding of light that i could see for ever and ever little pins of joy in the appmosphere and i was one of them maybe

and that memory so distant and yet so vivid and yet so real and true and me is maybe the biggest peice

of a shattered mirror that tells the truth that i have left

like being forced out of an old comfortable happy home growing up is

difficult

i dont need to be reminded of that

but all i have left is that string of thoughts that ever comes sweetly and sickly and full of lies and truth and love

i want to know love

but ongoing love not glismpes

i do not know