Not playing Cinderella

Not Playing Cinderella [6]

Not Playing Cinderella [6]

His words had the same affect as my mothers previously. They shook everything inside of my head, making me feel dizzy and sick, as if i'd just been spun around 10 times around a pole and made to try and walk in a straight line, actually, probably worse than that. We'd been through this many times over, we were sorted. I knew his feelings for me wouldn't just disappear because i didn't' want him, but i didn't think he'd do this, not again.

Yeh, thats right. You didn't want him. You broke his heart Sammie!

I know, I know!

But hurting Jez last time, had knocked the bad ass bitch out of me, at least when i was around him anyway. Hurting him, was one of the biggest mistakes i've ever made. And last time, i'd promised myself that i'd never hurt him again for as long as we both lived. I'd seen the hurt in his eyes when i knocked him back, the love he'd once held there whenever he looked at me had faded into the background, and it was only now, that i'd seen it again. Even though he wasn't looking at me, i could tell that's what he was feeling. love. He loved the one girl that refused to love him back. He deserves so much better.

As i nibbled my lip, sighing deeply, thoughts, flew around my shaken head. Not knowing what to say for the best, i just sighed, keeping my gaze in my lap. I couldn't face him. He was hurting, and it was because of me.

Repeating my sigh, i opened my mouth, ready to speak, but not having a clue what i was going to say, i didn't know what to say for the best. Jez, as the only person who had ever managed to make me speechless. Personally, i considered him a miracle worker.

As i held my mouth open, trying to find the words to speak, his gaze caught me and held it, his pircing green eyes fixed into mine, they made me shudder with their beauty.

Hold back Sammie. Don't let those eyes fool you. Don't let him make you love him.

We stayed, eyes locked for what felt like a lifetime, when finally, i dropped his gaze. Returning my eyes to my lap, scared. Scared of my increasing heart beat, scared i was going to fall in love, deeper than a brotherly kind of love. Terrified almost. Not only was i breaking his heart, but it felt as i was loosing his friendship at the same time. As i returned to my circle of thoughts, he placed a hand on my lips. Clearly guessing i was thinking of the right words to say, and failing dramatically.

'Sammie.... Don't waste your breathe...'

He was lying. He wanted me to speak, tell him that i'd discovered my hidden feelings for him and that i was ready to admit i loved him. But i couldn't do it. His reaction spoke louder than the words he'd simply spoken. I already knew what the problem was, so i didn't have to pry. besides, it wasn't my place to pry into his feelings and love life, i was only his best friend.

What sort of best friend does this to her bestfriend?

Alright. I am a complete Bitch.

'...On something you don't mean.' He ended with a sigh. A sigh that broke my heart straight down the middle. I dragged my eyes back up to his, intending to meet and capture his gaze, but it wasn't there for me to hold. He sat, in the seat opposite, head in his hands, slumped over. Just the sigh of him brought tears to my eyes. How could i be so harsh?

'Jez, p-please don't do this, You know i love you...' I spoke in less than a whisper, not sure if he'd heard me or not, but desperate for him to understand the way my heart beated.

'Sammie, you love a lot of people. But you just won't admit it, to them or yourself....You don't love me....'

'That is not true!'

'But it is...You don't love me in the way i love you, you never will sweetheart'. The whole sentence made my true feelings of the situation finally come up to the surface. His voice had been husky, overflowing with emotion and tears. I tore my face from my lap and back up to the pathway between us, ready to hold his gaze tightly, to find the tears rolling down his face, just as i thought they would be. I'd really driven the knife straight through his heart. Damn. Why am i such a bitch?!

Watching him hurt so much, and all those simple words, cut straight through me. I deeply regretted hurting him, but i couldn't force myself to love him. And i couldn't force me to love him either. It just wasn't possible. Who i chose to love and who not to, was my choice. No one Else's. My arm reached out automatically to comfort him, but he saw me coming and flinched, Moving away and avoiding my touch. I came crashing back down to reality, my heart crying out in pain. It was one thing to see him hurt, but another to know i'd caused it.

The silence stretched out like a desert between us, it felt as if i'd never be physically able to cross it to reach his heart, no matter how much i wanted to. And believe me, i desperately wanted to run across that space between us, run as fast as my legs would carry me, but i couldn't. They just wouldn't let me. My heart, was holding me back.

'So, where we off to then? Don't worry, i'll cover for you. Just like i always do'. The pain in his eyes was unbearable. I wanted to answer, spill out my regrets, and my apologizes, i wanted to pour my heart out to him, cry on his shoulder, but he didn't want me there anymore. He hated my guts. And probably would for some time now. Godhelpme, i'd hate my guts if i'd done what i had to him to myself.

That doesn't make sense.

I know.

'England, please?'

'Any particular part?'

'Place with the big clock?' My words sounded as if i was talking to a complete stranger, not someone i'd known for years now. Known and loved. And i still loved him now, and he was right. Not in the way he loved me.

'London?'

'I think so.' I giggled as i spoke. Forgetting mostly about the situation. But it was still nagging in the back of my mind, and the drying tears in his eyes were tugging on my heart strings, constantly reminding me of the hurt and pain i'd caused.

'Always been a smart ass haven't you Sam?' Sarcasm was dripping from his voice, making my smile grow wider. His voice, was familiar and beautiful, soothing almost. I could fall asleep to the sound of his voice, not suggesting he was boring, not like that at all, his voice, was just so magical, it was almost dreamlike. Yeh, that's it. It had dreamlike qualities. That was exactly what i meant!

Of cause it was! Don't make me laugh Sammie!

'Of cause! You should know that better than anyone!' I giggled, pushing the issue of his feelings toward me further to the back of my mind. It was drifting slowly, more to my annoyance.

But he had to bring it forward again. Typical. I didn't know if it was just Jez or Lads in general. I hadn't had much experience with them to be honest. 'I thought i knew you. But i guess i was wrong'.

'jez, please. I can't help my feelings. I know i'm a coward and i don't deserve you! Please forgive me, i know your gonna hate me right now, but i cant help the way i feel... You have to understand its hard for me to reveal everything, even to you. Please'. In mid babble, tears beginning to flow straight down my face, he placed his hand gently over my mouth. Sending shock straight through me. I shook with surprise.

Removing his hand, he quickly replaced it with his lips, moving them against mine softly, i knew inside of me that this wasn't right, i was messing with his head. But it felt so natural to have my lips and body pressed up against his. I was enjoying the feeling, and didn't make any attempt to pull away. I knew leading him on was so dirty and wrong, i felt as if i was being a slut. A dirty slut. That's all i was and was ever going to be.

We finally pulled away from each other, breathing heavily, tears rolling down my face, he smiled. Why the hell was he smiling? I felt as if i'd just commited a crime. A crime of passion. Jesus. I sounded lke my mother. The dirty whore that she was.

Now now, no way to speak about your mother.

Its the truth.

'Lets head off then Sam, It'll be a long journey'.