When I met your eyes//Skephalo

5. He'll never love me

Word count: 1464
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Okay bad. STOP. Think rationally. You're just making wild guesses in the heat of the moment.

I am not. In love. With skeppy.

Or any man for that matter! I'm straight! Right?

Now that I think about it though, I've never really been interested in girls. But that doesn't mean anything! All that means is that I wasn't an overly hormonal teenager.

And it's not like I've ever been interested in guys either! Just because you can imagine yourself dating a guy doesn't make you gay! I think.
...I hope.

Ok. Maybe it is a little weird. But just because I can imagine it doesn't mean it's real. I've never gotten flustered around guys!

Wait, there was that one guy in Highschool...

His name was M. I was actually decent friends with him. I loved talking to him, loved being around him, loved it when my hand brushed against his..

But I didn't have any feelings towards him did I? I was really lonely in Highschool, I was probably just grateful to have a friend.

I mean, I did have a few weird dreams about him. Like him kissing me and holding my hand and stuff. Okay. That's definitely kinda fruity.

But that was the only time! Or- okay never mind.

There was also this guy I knew in college. He was my roommate, and was majoring in the same field as me.

We were super close, honestly I was almost as close with him then as I am with skeppy now. We would spend hours talking and laughing together, and I felt all the same things towards him as I did towards M.

Looking back, I felt all the things people usually describe as 'being in love'. The butterflies, the sweating, the brain fuzz, all of it. I just never really thought about it from that angle.

I never had that feeling towards girls, so I thought they were just exaggerating. I guess they weren't lying, I'm just..

Gay.

I'm.. gay. I like men. I...

I like skeppy.

Oh no.

No no no no no. I'm in love with my best friend. All those weird feelings make sense now and I.. I don't like it.

Liking boys is fine. Realizing that is honestly a relief. My problem is with the specific boy I like.

How am I supposed to spend 2 weeks with the man I have feelings for? I already know it gets even more intense seeing him in person, seeing how it took me until now to realize, how the heck am I gonna survive 2 whole weeks?

What if he notices? If he does I'm dead. Gone. If he knows a freak like me has feelings for him he'll be disgusted. Even if he wasn't he'd never say yes.

Why would he? I'm not pretty. I'm not smart. I have nothing to offer someone like him. He could never love me.

God, what's wrong with me? Why would I do this to myself? I already know I'm unlovable. It's not like I'm allowed to forget that fact.

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High school was absolute hell. If you didn't fit into the category of kids who were popular, conveniently attractive, white, able-bodied, neurotypical, cishet, and rich, you were treated like a lower person.

Not everyone had it as bad as others, and there were definitely people who had it much, much, worse than me, but I still got a lot of crap sent my way.

Mostly for my appearance and financial position. I didn't exactly win the gene lottery, and my parents never one the actual one.