In the Flower Field

Ten: The Black Box

He was so tired of having to wake up everyday just to go to a place he hates. All he wanted to do was cuddle with you, and after the two of you had sex he hated to be away from you even more. He spent his whole day thinking of you wondering what you're doing. Which often left him thinking about what the two of you would be doing if he was there. He hated that he had to waste his time with school when he could be with you. That's why at night he would stay up all night till he passed out trying to cherish every moment he can with you.

Sleep deprivation is just one of the things plaguing Tate. School has been extra draining lately. Add to that his terrible home life and he's barely holding on. The only thing keeping him going is you and the drugs. He's also started to cut himself again, something about the way the blood ran down his arm made him feel alive. He made sure to keep it a secret from you. The idea of you finding out about his new activities was terrifying. He knew if you found out you'd blame yourself and he couldn't bare that. Considering you're the only reason he's been able to hold on as long as he has.

You're his only light in this world full of darkness. You make him smile no matter what he's feeling or how long his day has been. He can't even imagine what would happen if he lost you even the thought makes his heart drop.

So in order to keep his secret he made sure to wear long sleeves around you. He also tried to stop being intimate but after a day or two he felt like he was going to explode so instead he opted to keep his shirt on. Even then he could tell you were uncomfortable with the arrangement but you didn't say anything. That's one reason he loves you, you're always so sweet and considerate. Not having that skin to skin contact has only made him fall into a deeper depression. The more he felt the more he tried to numb himself with his 'medicine'. It was an endless cycle he knew that but he was in too deep to stop.

In the beginning he managed to keep his secret under wraps. As time passed though he became more and more entrapped in the endless cycle of using. He became sloppy and you begin to notice how he hid his arms from you. Along with the fact he was twitchy and had dark under eye bags you knew something was wrong. You didn't say anything at first hoping he would come to you on his own. However he didn't in fact he started to avoid you. It scared you more than anything that he might not want to be in a relationship with you anymore.

The doubt of not knowing what was going on with Tate made you crazy. So while Tate was at school you snooped around his room and then in his bathroom. His bedroom was clean, his bathroom was where you found something. You have to give him props. It was very well hidden. You found the small black box hidden under his sink in the cabinet with a false bottom. The small box contents made you nauseous. There were razor blades covered in dried blood and little bags full of a white substances. You could only assume it was drugs. Suddenly all the odd behavior from the past few weeks made since.

You have so many questions for him, Why? How long? Why didn't he feel like he could come to you? Each question made you feel an overwhelming feeling of sadness. Tears were flowing down your face. How could you have not realized someone you love and care about is in pain. You try to think about when Tate first started acting weird but you couldn't pinpoint an exact date. You couldn't and that only made you feel worse.

STOP... Now isn't the time to fall apart right now Tate needs you and you're going to be there for him.

That night when Tate came home and saw the black box in your lap he almost died. All his worst fears are coming true. He wants nothing more than the earth to open up and swallow him whole. His face flushed with embarrassment and he averted his eyes, focusing on the ground. If he locks eyes with you he's sure he'll break down. He was feeling so many things, the main two being embarrassment and fear. He had no idea how you'd react.

The room was completely silent. Tates was scared to say anything and you're trying to focus on choosing your words carefully. You had a whole speech planned but seeing him in front of you made you forget the whole thing. You've never been in a situation like this before and you had no idea what to say. "Can I see them?" you weren't even sure you really wanted to but at the same time you had to see them. Tate didn't respond, instead silently making his way over to you. He sits down on the bed next to you rolling up his sleeves. Band-aids covered his arms each one broke your heart. "Are you keeping them clean?" you tail your hand over the band-aids carefully not to put too much pressure.

Tates voice is as light as your answering a small yes, his focus on your hands moving up and down his arms. You were grateful that at least he wouldn't get an infection. Tate watched you closely as you studied his arms. There were so many emotions in your eyes, the most prominent one being sadness. He felt awful for making you feel this way. Since the day he met you, you've done nothing but take care of him. Yet here he is making you sad and worried about him. This is the last thing he wanted.

He gave you a tight hug pulling you close to him. The both of you desperately needed this hug. You can't help but cry when Tate starts to whisper apologies. You can't help but cry you knew you weren't supposed to but here you are.It took you a minute to calm down once you did though you pulled away from Tate. There was one question you needed the answer to right now: "Do you want to die?" It was a simple question yet Tate didn't have an answer. He knew that's not what you wanted to hear but it was the truth he didn't know.

You weren't expecting him to say he doesn't know. Yet you completely understood where he was coming from. It's been years since you've felt that way. It's such a lonely feeling one that isolates you. You wouldn't let that happen to him, you'll be there for him. You pull him into another hug whispering a small I love you to him. He desperately needed to hear you say it.

The two of you stayed up all night long holding each other close. You and Tate talked about the black box and you made him promise to come to you if he got an urge to use or cut again. You knew the problem couldn't be solved in one night but it was a start. That night you stayed up with Tate whisper I love yous to him till he fell asleep and even then you continued to run your fingers through his hair. Before you fell asleep you unplugged his alarm clock. He needs sleep and you need him close to you.

THe next morning Tate woke up at three o'clock. He was surprised he slept so long considering the last few days he had been only sleeping a few hours. You had woken up an hour or two before him but you didn't want to risk waking him up so you stayed in bed. You found a book on his side table that you started to read while Tate slept comfortably between your legs. When you felt Tate moving in your lap you put your book away focusing solely on him. "Good evening" you muttered, stroking your fingers through his hair. He mumbled something in your leg but you could understand him. It was a light moment, one that was much appreciated after last night.