debut • harry styles

016

DECISIONS
8.15.2022

i've been trying to make a decision on what to do with harry for a couple of days now, luckily, no one has really suspected anything.

besides hanging out with my friends, the only thing i've been doing is writing songs and trying to come to a decision.

i think harry would have hoped for an answer before he left for tour, but i don't think i could've given him one.

he's in toronto right now, for two nights, then he'll be in new york for fifteen nights over a span of a month.

his first show in new york is on the twentieth, i only know that because of the wonderful harry florals on instagram.

anyways, i shouldn't be thinking about that. i need to make a decision, and i feel like i should make it today.

there are more pros than cons to dating harry, but the cons may outweigh some of the good and that's what makes me question whatever decision i'll make.

i don't want to make a decision and then in the future i regret the decision i chose, so it comes down to what decision i'll regret the most.

i made my decision.

~
harry's point of view
~

i hoped that belle would've made a decision before i left for tour, but she didn't. i'm not mad at her about it, i'm not trying to rush her, i just want some clarity.

i'm in toronto right now, for two nights then i'll go to new york for a month. i realize now that i won't see belle for this amount of time, a long amount of time.

i did schedule this tour before i met her, but now that i met her, i don't want to be away from her.

anyway, i changed up the setlist from the europe leg of the tour, instead of a sushi intro, it's daydreaming and i also added little freak to the set list.

later in the tour i have harryween, which i haven't decided what i'll be yet. my costume last year was very controversial to say the least.

the topic of a lot of thanksgiving dinner tables last year, and not in a good way.

i was dorothy from the wizard of oz, i was also a clown but i didn't really like that costume as much.

can you tell i'm trying to think about me to distract myself from her?

so narcissistic of me, i know.

"she'll come around, mate." pauli says to me in the green room. he's been trying to act british or whatever because i'm british.

"i know." i reply. the band leaves the green room so i can do my pre-show rituals which is basically watch the arena fill up on a tv.

i watch the opener on the tv too, then the good part of the pre-show playlist starts. i think my favorite part is when everyone sings best song ever and bohemian rhapsody.

during bohemian rhapsody, i get into my little soft goods box to get wheeled under the stage. the crowd cheers, knowing i'm in there.

i wait under the stage and peace piece starts playing. it's actually the alarm i wake up to in the morning, i think it shows what harry's house is really like.

i can tell the lights go down when the crowd cheers extra loud. the band should be walking up on stage at the moment.

the piano to daydreaming starts, the crowd cheering extra loud at the change in the intro. the stage opens on the top, to which i slowly rise out of it, very jesus esc of me.

i run around the stage twenty miles per hour like a crazy man until i have to start singing.

~

the next thing i know, i'm running off of the stage after kiwi. the set truly goes by in the blink of an eye.

but tonight it went by faster than usual, maybe it's because i can only think about belle.

over these past 75 days, belle has been the only thing i can think about. nonstop.

i realized i liked her when we were in the elevator for the first time, yes that's the first time i met her, but i knew then that i liked her.

i do think i was growing feelings before then, though.

when i met billie and finneas at the grammy's in 2021, billie brought up this girl that she was friends with, and considering the way she described her, i knew she was amazing before i even really knew who she was.

when i got home that day, instead of going to sleep after winning a grammy and a long night out, i stalked belle.

i found her instagram and went through every post, everyone she followed, everything she's been tagged in, everything.

maybe it was a bit stalkerish of me, but i did it anyway because i knew it was going to drive me crazy all night if i didn't find out who belle really was.

when we were in the elevator, i recognized her immediately and i can admit i got a bit nervous, i didn't expect her to be there so i didn't rehearse what to say in my head.

when i left that elevator, i let 'belle' slip from my mouth, a personal nickname i've accumulated since i've been following her every move since the grammys.

i didn't mean for it to happen, and i hope she didn't take it weirdly. i don't think she did considering that's the only thing i've called her ever since.

the thing is, i've never heard anyone else call her belle, or any nickame for that matter. i've only heard isabelle.

completely unrelated topic, well, not really but partially unrelated, whenever i sing matilda, i can only thing of belle now.

knowing that she had a rough life with her parents makes me incredibly sad. how could someone purposely hurt belle?

she deserves the absolute world.

parents are supposed to be that safety blanket that wraps around you to shield you from all the pain the world has to offer and will put on you if you let it. they aren't supposed to be that pain.

so what is belle's safety blanket?

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

16 bananas at harry's show today...

THE ERAS TOUR STARTS TODAY BUT I DONT HAVE TIX TO ANY SHOW SO IM GONNA CRY BUT IT STARTS TODAY!!

the songs she released are so good, especially atgylb from lover