the truth behind daddy issues

the beginning

Growing up I had always been told I was mature for my age, this was true but what wasn't is that it's a positive thing because it isn't always. I lived with my single mother, my grandmother on my moms side, my mute and autistic brother and my younger sister, because my brother was autistic, this made me a glass child. Once my little sister came along though, I was really on my own, I don't blame my mom for it , it was a hard job and i required the least attention. I hadn't seen my dad from ages 3-9 and when I finally saw him again he told me he was moving a few hours away with his new family, I haven't seen him since and it's been seven years now.

I had father figures you could say but that isn't the same thing as having a father. I had a stepdad for a few years and he did treat me like his own but he was mentally and physically abusive so I never felt a genuine father-daughter connection with him. My mom had this one boyfriend, he felt like a father figure to me and was the only person who truly did. He dated my mom for a few years, i remember my mom slapping me because she thought "i was getting too close to him". As a young girl this confused me, "my moms mad at me for treating someone like my dad?" I questioned myself, truly I still don't know why she did it, maybe she thought i was genuinely flirting with him or maybe she was insecure and thought he'd replace me with her but either way i've learned that some things are just better off left unsaid. After that incident I distanced myself from him but eventually she apologized and things went back to normal and he felt like a father again, that was until on mother's day when I was around eleven. He had left his phone on my mom's dresser while they were all outside playing with my siblings, a message went through and I looked. I read the messages and had to make one of the hardest decisions in my life. Loosing my only father figure and him feeling as if I was betraying him or hiding that he was cheating on my mom from her and ultimately betraying her. I remember running to my bathroom after i had read the text, this was my first ever panic attack, I remember the feeling all too well. Being so overwhelmed, so confused, hurt and anxious, to where not even your brain remembers how to breath normally so you begin hyperventilating. I decided to tell my mom which I honestly had no clue how to do but I knew it was necessary even though it would take away the only person who had ever felt like a father to me and they eventually broke up.

A few years after that occurred, I received news of my dad for the first time in years. My father raped , groomed, etc. his disabled step daughter and would be going to jail for life. I don't know if it makes me sound like apathetic but I felt no remorse for him, I never really felt bad for him but bad for myself and the girl. One night I realized that my father would never know what i looked like, who i am as a person and everything I did in my life span. Now this may not seem like a big deal but also not knowing those things about my father made me feel as if I was missing apart of myself and I guess this just was my closure that I will never have an actual father.

  Due to my mother always being busy with my siblings and not having a father, I had to learn how to raise myself. In eight grade I realized that if I wanted a scholarship, I would have to begin putting at-least half my effort into school so that the next year when I entered high school i could put all my effort into my grades. I wanted to give myself and my future family the life I always dreamed of, financially stable, safe, healthy, comfortable, open and just give them everything I never had, so I began working hard in hopes of earning a scholarship. My ninth grade year I was diagnosed with adhd and was put on medication for it, that year I received for the first time an A in math, this was the first time since fourth grade I received above an d average in math. This really made me believe in myself and caused me to genuinely begin caring for school, i went from being lucky if i got an b average to being in ap & advanced classes, national honors society, beta club, a 3.7 gpa and offers from the national youth leadership forum. I didn't do it for myself if i'm being honest, I did it now so I wouldn't wish I had done it when i did have a family. Maturing early and realizing I have to do this as a teenager if I want the things i wish for as an adult, so I did it and i'm forever thankful for that realization and the maturity and obedience it gave me.

When i reached the age of fifteen my mother began expecting me to be completely independent. My mother no longer made suppers for me, nurtured me or did the things a teenager needs from there mother but I learned how to do them myself. Eventually my mother got back with my step father, we moved into a new house and planned for it to be temporary. My stepfather was arrested along with my mother for lying to the police for him but she was released not too long after, days later my mom realized she was pregnant with my little sister whom I adore and promised to myself I would never let live the life I did. I promised that whatever empathy my mom lacked showing her i would be there to fulfill and that every tear she left unwiped i would dry.

To this day, I search for the cause of my damage, for what knocked the glass cup onto the ground causing it to shatter, maybe I was born like this but I believe i was molded into this. I wasn't born shattered or disheveled, my trauma placed this on me, for I am marked with wounds caused my others actions. At times like this I had to learn it isn't God to blame, he has given us free will and many will use that to kill or steal. Not everyone is who you want them to be and as i've aged i've tried to learn this but it's still hard for me to accept it when i want everyone to be good and have a good heart, but just because you want something doesn't mean you'll receive it.