Essays on your 20s

Essay on Maturing

People make 18 out to be such a special year. You're grown up. No longer a teenager.
Bullshit.
At 18 I still dealt with the same problems I had been when I was 14,15 or 16.
My self-esteem was somewhere close to Mariana Trench.
I was dealing with a coming out, trying to figure out my identity and being rejected left and right.
Being 18 just made me feel a lot dumber about those things still being the same way as they usually were.

I can quite clearly remember my 18th birthday party. I was throwing it together with my friends who had turned 18 the same month.
That night, I tried to woo a guy I had made attempts at earlier that year, only to have been kicked out of the game by another girl. Naturally my courting didn't work again.
So my new game plan? Drink my freaking brains out. Mature right? Such an adult.
The next day I was scheduled to go on a 13 hour plane ride to another continent but at least I got some attention from that one guy who I was now shamelessy and very drunkenly flirting with.
At 18 I'd have done anything to get attention. To seem mature and desirable.
That night I barley slept and felt like I was having a heart attack due to the amounts of shots I had asked of my body to metabolize.

Every New Year's Eve went about just the same.

Pick out a guy I like, be disappointed, drink, cry at midnight. I'm not kidding.
So yeah 18 isn't really what people make it out to be and it's not just me.

Your twenties are the real deal. You're probably done with school, off to go to college or work a job where no one really gives a shit about you.
Prior to your 20s you are under "puppy-protection." That's what we in Germany call other adults still being somewhat nice to you and having boundaries when it comes to how badly they could possibly treat you.
Now you're in college though or at a new job.
At a job, your boss only really cares about your attendance and how hard you work. You've slept badly or just went through a break-up? Not his problem. No, not even if you cry and wail.
And college? In summary: nobody really gives a shit if you're there or not. Either do it or don't do it. Have fun, be...absolutely distraught.

I know that's not the future perspective you wanted to hear but in a way all of this is incredibly freeing. Nobody is breathing down your neck anymore and for once in your life your accomplishments are purely your own. Sure, your failures are too. However bad, one failure is going to teach you more than 10 accomplishments.

The message I am trying to get across is that: expecting yourself to know it all at 18 is going to leave you absolutely disappointed once you get to your twenties and all that change is happening. No one really knows what's going on in their 20s. All we are trying to achieve is finding a direction. That means going down very many, very wrong paths until you figure out which one is right for you. Even if none of your friends walk that very same path.
I feel alone but I know my compass is finally pointing in the right direction and if I look for support my real friends will still be there.

Goodbye 18.