"Where's my angel? I'm sick and tired of everything." Legs dangling over the edge, I stared at the gray ceiling up above.
"Where's my angel? The one that brings the end of day?" and all I wanted was to ask someone to come and save me, please. It's just been a long and tiring day. All I needed was to let out my sigh.
"Everyone is happy, everyone is fine" But can you look at me because I am blue and gray?
Blue and Grey. Such beautiful colors are they not? Bright colors that could make someone's day. The color of the clouds and the colors of the sky on a bright sunny day. Blue and gray. Such beautiful colors. Colors of sadness and sorrow. Feelings of separation, and dreariness. Bittersweet memories brought up by gray and the feeling of these memories painted by blue. Blue and Grey. Hidden behind my laughter and my tears reflected in the mirror. One of me is true, one of me is false. One is a facade and one is broken. A blue colored facade and gray broken pieces of myself. When can I finally pick them up without bleeding and hurting myself all over again? Can you look at me because I'm covered in the drunken haze that is blue and gray?
A meaningless chuckle escapes my lips unconsciously. I just wanna be happier. Will I even be me ever again? Not the me that puts on a smile for everyone, not the me that everyone loves, not the me that is loud, and fearless. But the me that seeks comfort, that isn't afraid to cry–the me that has a personality larger than life, the one that can be strong enough to not give everything her whole heart. The me that knew that it was okay to cry, okay to not dream, okay to break down, that it was okay to not be strong. Not the me that acts like everything is okay.
"Where did it all go wrong?" I ask myself. I've always lived life so unrelentlessly, so full of passion. Maybe I lived that way since I didn't know the answers to all the blue question marks on my head. Perhaps I did know when it all went wrong. Because when I look back at those moments, all I see is a monstrous blue surrounding my singular frame. I saw myself standing alone. And I saw the sharp shadow that swallowed me whole.
Even now I don't know the answers to all those blue question marks. If they aren't questions but rather depression or anxiety or a beast made of regret or the overwhelming loneliness that swallowed me. Blue and gray. Even after all these years that I've been consumed by this, I could never understand this brutal and malevolent blue. I'm clouded by blue but I cannot let it take any more of me.
"I'll find a way out, I hope." But I know that I'll never be enough.
"I just wanna be happier" The hand that I've extended so many times has been frozen in a colorless echo. Oh, this ground feels so much heavier, I feel like I am singing by myself.
"I just wanna be happier, am I too greedy to ask for that?" The feeling of walking down on a cold winter path all alone. The sound of my dulling heart. I can still feel it all.
Can't say I'm okay because I know I'm not okay. This charging grey rhino is hurling at me yet I look at it unfocused, with all these chains weighing me down. I don't feel like myself walking down these familiar roads that feel so unfamiliar. Am I just dull, or broken, or just congested with blue?
"I don't believe in a god called conviction," So why am I getting convicted and caged for being blue and gray? This vast gray space that I'm trapped in feels familiar with the same gray faces where color doesn't apply to me. Where I can be myself. Where I dance under the gray rain and toast to the fog covering my world and the blue dust covering my rainy days.
"I just wanna be happier." This ground feels so much heavier alone. I need someone to share my weight, to share my sorrow, my happiness, my changes. Everyone grows up but I'm stuck in the most dark part of myself. So won't you come and warm my cold soul? I need you all the more now that my hands are frozen in these blue echoes. Oh, this ground feels so much heavier, I feel like I am singing by myself. It hurts too much so I beg of you, please don't leave me alone. I wanna laugh freely again one day. And when I am not overcast by blue and gray, I'll make sure to tell you. But for now, I'm okay with the me that laughs, and lives fearlessly. Maybe I'll never get back to being myself because this me that I hate, is the one that's grown up. I might be different now but once I come to terms with myself, that life goes on, I'll finally be able to sleep even if it's at dawn.
Blue and Gray. Colors of beauty, of breath, and life. Colors that have infinite meanings and infinite ways they can make you feel. Whether it's feelings of sadness or peace and truth. Blue and Gray. One is a facade and one is dull. In the end, both of them are broken and so am I. Just the thought of growing up introduced all these daunting ideas and maybe I'm just stuck in time between this dark space of childhood and adulthood. And maybe this facade that I hide behind is starting to become me, a new me. I've always hoped to get out of this trance of dark space but maybe acceptance is the key to happiness. Maybe I shouldn't be afraid of people seeing me the way I am now because even though I'm not the child that I so dearly loved being, I am still myself, just growing up. I'm okay if you look at me now, even if I am blue and gray. Because now blue means clear skies, and gray, the color of acceptance. And now that it's a bright blue day I'll let you look at me because this blue and gray is me.
