Fixation (Clusterf*ck Series #1)

5. Pain

Leaving his boss's house, Sloan didn't even call one of Hendry's drivers. He decided to pull out his phone to order a ride instead. His eyes were hot from his unshed tears, he felt so stupid, every fucking time, he thought to himself.

Sloan walked to the small convenience store around the corner and bought himself a pack of cigarettes. He lit and took a drag of the cigarette while waiting for his ride. The night was getting colder and he could feel goosebumps on his arms when two guys started walking toward him.

He didn't care though, it was reckless, but Sloan had been hurt too many times that he couldn't care less about the two men. He took another drag and stomped the cigarette with the sole of his shoes when he saw his ride was there. Sloan looked back and smiled at the shady-looking men before he gets into the car.

"Dude, you should not stand there alone. What were you thinking?" The driver greeted him with a wary expression.

"I didn't think," Sloan said easily and the driver just shook his head but continue driving to the appointment location.

"Kids these days," the older man muttered as he continued to drive.

Sloan was disappointed with himself, he didn't want to go home, not yet. So he went to another club that he used to frequent every time he needed to let himself go. He paid for the entrance fee and picked out his Doms before he followed them to one of the private rooms and stripped naked.

This was him, someone, who needs to feel the pain. One might say that Sloan was a masochist but on the inside, his disappointment grew strong. It was not about control for him, because Sloan craved punishment. He needed this, he needed this before he could plaster on a happy face tomorrow at work. Just like every other day. He had always been a happy guy, even to his family. No one knows what's going on in his fucked up mind. No one except himself.

The day he uprooted his life and moved back to his hometown, was the trigger. He knew he needed something stronger to numb the pain. And being previously abused by his first-ever boyfriend made him a regular for the pain. Sloan had skipped town because of his first boyfriend, Jesse, though not unscathed, the bruises and the broken bones were not visible anymore, but the memories were still there.

"Who are you tonight, boy?" The blond Dom who wanted to be referred to as Master asked.

"Little mouse, master,"

The other Dom who preferred also to be his Master chuckled in his condescending voice, telling him that it was appropriate for him. Sloan shuddered from the shame and was sickeningly excited about the pain that he was going to endure when he was bound to the big X in the center of the room.

"My eyes, please master," Sloan pleaded to the taller Dom who was standing to his back. He put on the leather eye covering that took away his sense of sight in seconds. Sloan didn't want to see, he just wanted to feel the pain.

The first taste of the leather on his back made him gasp. His fingers dug deep into his palm, while his wrists were bound tightly onto the leather cuffs. Sloan groaned from the pain. Then another, and another, and another. He didn't want sex from his doms, no, he came from the pain alone. He took pleasure from the whips and the paddle smacking on his ass. Sloan know that he'd feel the pain tomorrow and that would put him in his place.

The PA. Simple as that. The little mouse needs to know his place. He repeated the words in his mind, over and over again.

This took him back to years ago when he was told that he was to be the perfect cumslut by his first boyfriend. Sloan was nineteen, living miles away from his hometown, studying for his degree. He was young and head over heels for his older boyfriend, Jesse, who had messed him up real good. So good that when he passed Sloan to his friends, he acted like a good boyfriend and serviced them, thinking it'll make him more loveable and make their sex life better.

Sloan dived blindly into the messed up relationship, stupidly convinced that it was what gay couples do. He was with Jesse for almost three years, looking back he often wondered how it was even possible. Though somehow he knew, somehow deep inside his fucked up mind he had thought that he deserved it. That Jesse's words were all true.

Months after the whole debacle with Jesse, Sloan falls back into a safer relationship with women. Sloan always liked to show people that he was normal and happy. No one needs to know the real him. He had also carefully picked men to connect with, though mostly for hookups. But he had a couple of boyfriends and girlfriends after Jesse. Sloan had also managed to be socially compatible with his partners. But every time, Sloan always pulls away when things started to get serious.

The one thing that was constant was his visit to the kink club. There, he could be himself and truly let go. And that was why he knew that he was going to let his mom down, cause he understands that deep down, he was broken, sick, damaged, and not worthy of anyone.

One hour later he left the club, with his cock hard as a rock when he went back home. Sloan locked himself in his bathroom, showered, and jerked off before going to bed on his back, clearly aware that his ass and back side were still very tender. He wanted to feel the pain. Needing it before he let his tears fall and grabbed his pillow and sobbed into it. Hard. He was trash. Stupid, incompetent cum hole. Jesse was right. Sloan just needed to align his thoughts and stop having expectations of himself.

He was tired when he finally falls asleep. Alone, always alone, and never hoping for more.

"Morning, honey, you looked tired." His mom put a hand on his battered back and Sloan smiled sweetly at her as he felt the pain rushing through his skin.

"I'm okay mom, didn't sleep much but tomorrow is the weekend. I'll take you out shopping then we can lounge all day, maybe I can even take a nap afterward." Sloan expertly convinced his mom as he had always done over the years, and she smiled at him telling him that it was a good plan.

Sloan left the house an hour later after taking a hot scalding shower, making sure he had numbed all the pain and pushed his tears away.

He thought he was ready when he plastered on his happy smile as he stepped out of the elevator. But he was not ready when he saw his boss all handsome and perfect, standing by his desk, already waiting for him.

"Sloan, my office."

"Of course, let me get your coffee first and we'll discuss your schedule for today." Sloan smiled professionally, just like he always does since the last two years he'd been working as Hendry's personal assistant. His boss raised his brow but didn't say anything further as he walked into his office and waited for him.

Sloan took his time in preparing Hendry's coffee, he even gossiped with Nat from the front desk. But he can only delay for so long or he'll mess up Hendry's schedule. So he pulled himself together and walked into Hendry's office with his tablet in one hand and his boss's coffee in the other.

"Lock the door behind you,"

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me, I said to lock the door behind you." Hendry rests his fine ass on his large desk and crosses his arms in front of his chest. Clearly challenging Sloan to do exactly the opposite. Which Hendry knows he wouldn't.

The assistant bit his lip, weighing his options before he eventually relent and do as he was told. That made Hendry smile at him the second Sloan turned his back around to face his boss.

"Come here,"

And just like the good little mouse, Sloan walked into his arms and let his boss kiss him. And Sloan kissed him back when Hendry's arms wrapped around his backside and made him remember the pain.

His PA. Nothing more. Stop dreaming. Stop hoping. Sloan chanted those words as he gets lost in their kisses.