18days

dear mike

May 24, 2015, 7:43 p.m

Annie's fingers were shaking as she set them down on her desk. It was almost impossible to type with the tremors that she had on her fingers. She licked her dry lips, and her heart went out to her boyfriend, Mike.

Dear Mike,

She got stuck on what to type there. Annie picked at the skin on her lip with her teeth. She looked at the greeting with nervousness and dread, knowing that the words that she'll put on the email will be the last ones that he'll ever get from her. Everything in her being wished that somehow it would all go away, that the pain she's facing and the pain she's giving will stop.

With a bitter smile, she thought to herself how she'll be gone soon enough to stop the negativity she's giving her loved ones. She won't have to dodge questions of her health, she won't have to put on her composed façade anymore, she won't do anything else to just make people around her feel at ease.

Too soon the feeling of a burning sensation in her throat was appearing. Her nose tickled and Annie shut her eyes hard, grabbing her hair and pushing the palms of her hand into her eye sockets with all her might. She only managed to put light pressure onto her eye, which made her furious.

Annie let out a strangled sob, it shocked her how much emotion and pain she heard from her quiet noise.

She too quick heavy breaths, "No!" She scolded herself. "Get yourself together Annie, this isn't a big deal. It isn't, it really isn't....but it is...." She curled herself up into a ball, her body pushing itself forward with the force of her cries. She held her arms around her, as strong as she could to hold herself together. She didn't want to feel empty. Her boyfriend had left and she hadn't heard from him in ages.

With a quick flash of anger, she shut the laptop and glared at it. She was involuntarily breathing heavily, her chest rising as every jagged edge of anger was pulled into her system, fueling her distress and feeling of betrayal even further.

No, no, no. She thought. You don't deserve anything from me.

"You deserve nothing!" She said harshly, pushing the laptop away from her.

As fast as the anger has come, sadness crawled over from the chair and embraced her, giving her the company and sympathy to fill up her empty chest.

May 25, 2015, 10:32 p.m

Dear Mike,

When we first started dating, it was difficult to trust you. Of course, I did like you and you were very attractive. But that's why it was difficult. Now that we've been dating for two years and one month, I'm grateful that I didn't give up on you and that you didn't give up on me.

You've made me feel like a princess, and made me realize that I really am worthwhile. That's what I love about you, and I love you still. Mike, I feel that because of you, I'm the strong person I am today.

Though I don't know what you've been doing recently because of your move, I trust you and I know that you're probably watching TV or something. I'm really glad that I got to the point of trusting you, and you loving me and me loving you and...it was all just magical, and I want to thank you for that.

That's why I feel like we should break up. Please don't stop reading, it's all for the good of both of us. I haven't been wanting to tell you because I didn't think it was a big deal...but I've been diagnosed with a terminal illness when I was thirteen. And well...my time is almost up.

It's skin cancer, and we've tried everything to remove the tumor. I've had four surgeries on my arm, chemotherapy, radiation therapy, and even vaccines. But it keeps coming back. I was actually considering that maybe amputation was a good idea, until my doctor told me that it's already spread to my blood stream. That was a month ago, and now it's in my lungs and brain.

I love you, okay? I want you to know that and remember that breaking up is good for us...even though it breaks my heart to do so. I'm sorry that I told you this until now, I'm sorry that you fell in love with me just to hear this after building our relationship only for it to become unbalanced, and I'm sorry that I'm leaving you alone in this world. But believe me that I really don't want to leave you or anyone, I want to stay here...but apparently I can't stay much longer here.

I don't mean for this email to be solemn or anything, but melanoma is a serious thing.

I wish you the best, Mike. I hope that you find happiness and that someone helps you find it like you helped me. I hope that you find the person that can keep you level headed and fearless, like you did for me. I hope that you find yourself and realize that you're the best thing the world has ever given to you, like you did for me. I also hope that you remember that life is precious, darling, and don't ever give it up.

I love you with all my heart Mike, and even after death I'll still wish for you.

Lots of kisses and hugs,
Annie

Annie clicked send. She didn't know if it was selfish of her to hope that Mike would come with her, but she knew that it wasn't possible right now.